DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

@maximusss

There is no way I would be tying myself to him now, you're lucky you've found this out now rather than later. Other people's children can be extremely hard work. And the resentment that he sprang this on you will most likely kill your feelings for him in the end.

You say there was no discussion about this but if he’s talking about bedrooms etc then this sounds like a discussion.

What sort of discussion did you have in mind?

I’m not sure why you’re so shocked.
Both of you have kids and there is potential for both of your kids to move in with you.

There’s a material difference between a young adult man being moved in full-time without consultation, and a student staying for what sounds like a week or so a few times a year.

I would also say, with some kids it’s very obvious that once they leave for uni they won’t be back long-term because they are very independent. I haven’t stayed in a parent’s house for more than 5 nights in the 25 years since I left for uni. OP may just know this is what her DC is like.

I would slow the process down. You chose this house considering your current situation, and it’s your first home together. You probably had alot of discussions regarding what you wanted, how you would envisage living together etc.

To use a cliche, twos company, threes a crowd.

I’m sure when deciding to move in together , you didn’t envisage becoming a stepmum to his son, having more washing to do, cooking, having another adult sitting in the lounge with you. (And you forgot ask , why is his mum moanibg? Is he a lazy git at home? Is he expecting you to do everything for him?).

Having his son changes the whole dynamic of the set-up.

Luckily as you haven't yet exchanged, DP has his own place & you have yours. DP & his son can live at his and you at yours while you make long term plans

I’m assuming there was already a bedroom planned for the son as he already stays with dad once a week.

My DS at 19 was at uni and also had a part-time job. In no way would I see that as moving out of home and so there was a bedroom for him to come back to.

Does your partner have other DC, does his ex have other DC, how much space is there at your partner’s current house?

I would have assumed you would have had a discussion before you got to house purchasing stage what you would do if either 19yo wanted to live with you. It shouldn’t always be assumed that mum’s house will always be default home. Most 19yos still live at home, including uni students. Many young adults well into their 20s still live at home.

We have a home here for DS when he finishes uni although he may probably need to live elsewhere for his job. If that is the case we will likely have to help with getting him on the first rung of the property ladder. Has that sort of thing also been discussed?

In my experience, men have more reason to be fine because they are not usually the ones picking up the slack (cleaning/cooking/tidying up etc) of more people/DC in the space. You will be doing that, and it will be a huge issue for your quality of life! So, don't feel bad about needing a discussion on DC moving in!

OP has known about his son the entire time she’s been with him.

There has always been the potential for the son to live with them FT.

Don’t get into a relationship with someone with children if you don’t want to live with them.

Buying a dog or a cat is completely different thing, that's adding something that doesn't already exist within the family. This is a son that OPs DP already has and I don't think it's unreasonable of him to agree when his son says he wants to live with him. I would too if either of my kids said that. I wouldn't say I needed to consult my partner first.

The issue is that they never spoke about the possibilty of a child moving in even as a hypothetical scenario even though they both have children. I do find that odd, but in this case the DP didn't get lots of notice so couldn't discuss it with OP before they had found a house etc. As someone upthread said, they both made assumptions, but they made different assumptions.

I would not be buying a house with this man. Not because of his son but because he has dropped this on you at the last minute with no discussion. At least he mentioned it before you exchanged contracts on the purchase. This gives you the option of backing out.

The OP hasn't said no. She's been taken by surprise by being told that another adult is moving into a house she is jointly purchasing with her partner. It would be very entitled to assume you can move another person into a jointly owned house, without any discussion, just because that person was one of your children.

@maximusss I would never put my DP in a position where he has to ‘hurt’ his son’s feelings and potentially damage their relationship just to live with me.

It won’t be forever. If you love your DP then let this ‘out-of-the-blue’ situation happen without resentment.

🚩 if his motivation for moving is because his mum moans at him, I’d be wary that there might be two sides to this story! My step daughter moved in with us full time aged 16 saying that her mum was always on at her and treated her unfairly… then when she moved in with us full time we realised why and that her mum had been valid in her parenting.

A sensible place to start if DP has a good relationship with your step-son’s mum, would be to get her side of what’s going on. Maybe there’s some collective parenting to be done so he doesn’t feel he has to
completely leave his mum, and could spend more time shared between the houses. Maybe some support for bio mum if stepson is just being a teenager and thinking grass will be greener on other side with dad. I know my DP jumped at the chance when my step daughter wanted to move in and just took everything she said about her mum as gospel.

Ultimately the things that had caused tension in her relationship with her mum started to cause tension in our house too and it was incredibly difficult. My partner insisted that age twenty she kept living with us, with no expectation that she contributed in anyway, because if we ‘moaned’ at her she would just go stay with her boyfriend for weeks and avoid our house so my partner didn’t want to do anything she’d take as moaning. In reality her pattern was to avoid or move on whenever anyone moaned at her.

I was never consulted about her moving in, I had no say in whether she had to contribute once she lived with us, and wasn’t allowed a discussion on if she kept living with us as an adult. I ended up leaving my fifteen year relationship.

I’d suggest you raise the conversation with your partner that you’re concerned he didn’t speak to you about him moving in first, and what both your expectations are around adult children living in the house and what you consult each other on in relation to your bio children, how long you both might be happy for them to be at home etc. How he responds to you raising these questions might show you whether not discussing it with you was a genuine oversight, or whether you’re about to buy a house with someone that will always “tell you” rather than discuss with you in relation to his son. The same should apply to you with your child, that you discuss things that affect both you and DP so this isn’t just a one way street x

Is it likely that his domestic habits are the reason why his mum is allegedly moaning at him? If so then housing a teen will soon get old in your lovely new home.

'That's nice dear. I hope it works out for you living with your son. I'll let the solicitor know we're not proceeding with the purchase"

Luckily DP still has his own place do DS can live with him there

problem solved

I think he should have discussed it with you but I don’t think you can say no.
It’s his son, and like you said your own DC might want to come back, you’d welcome that and would expect your husband to do the same.
What are your thoughts now, does the idea of living with his son put you off moving in with him?
Or would a firm.. I expect a heads up in future but of course he can move in do?
If it’s just the way he has gone about it that’s annoyed you would you have said no or yes if asked beforehand?
I have a stepdaughter of a similar age and I think my husband would have discussed it with me first but I also know if I were to object he’d say.. Well I can’t live with you, I’ll find a place of my own with my daughter.

That’s an option and the beginning of the end of OPs relationship. If that what she wants, then she should firmly put her foot down!

@Theeyeballsinthesky and your response if OP’s DD announced that she would be coming back to OP’s, would be? I know OP thinks that’s unlikely but I guess her partner thought that his son wanting to move in would be unlikely

My DP and i live together, are engaged and we have discussed before that his daughter could come and live with us and even how we would manage (her school is further away) and I would still expect him to discuss it fully with me before we went ahead! So you are not being unreasonable and this would really concern me. Particularly with an adult DC. Are they paying rent? How long for? what are the boundaries and ground rules? What if he brings someone back over night? Whats the status on girlfriends/boyfriends? What about home going out and coming in drunk? How will he contribute to chores. Its not just about yes/no. You need to work out all these things and more. AND you haven't lived together before. However well you know each other, living together is different and you don't have the designated 'space' to retreat to. So it will be even more stressful with 3 people working all of that out.

So the son rocks up, without notice, and announces he's moving in with dad, because mam keeps having a go at him? What is she complaining about? What is it about him or his behaviour that she finds unacceptable? Will YOU feel the same? There's a reason he's 'flounced' - his dad needs to be asking questions!

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Erm… understatement of the year.

Are you usually so passive OP? My reaction to that would be “No, I don’t think so - not without a lengthy discussion and my deciding that it’s the right thing to do”.

How bloody dare he!

I would pull out - not necessarily bc of his Ds but bc this man obviously thinks he can ride roughshod over you and treat you like an absolute mug - and know he can get away with it. This isn’t normal behaviour at all.

What’s the nagging about? Sounds like a red flag to me- is he very untidy/ lazy/ noisy etc
It absolutely should have been a joint conversation. Going from living alone to living with 1 person you chose to live with plus another you didn’t, is not an easy decision.
If it all goes ahead and son moves in, please don’t tip toe around any shit behaviour- he’s an adult and should be expected to abide by your house ‘rules’ or move out (clearly what’s happened with his mother).

Good old MN!

Lets hope this is a reverse and see how quickly posters change their minds.

Less than 6 months ago I posted about my sister moving in with her DP and her DD wanting to come and live with them - every single poster said that the DD had as much right to be there and it was her home too etc.
Many said that he was controlling and abusive because he said there was no spare room and she should stay at her dads.
Not 1 poster agreed with his POV.

Now a very similar thing has happened and it’s the complete opposite responses.

When you get into a relationship and live with someone who has children, your home is their home.
End of.

If you don’t like it then don’t get into a relationship with someone who has children.

Pull out of the house purchase. Suggest you stay in separate homes until your children are 23 and have moved out.
I have a friend who went through similar ... intended to live as a couple and ended up living with two sets of adult children. It all finished in a messy and expensive split.