DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

He doesn't need somewhere to live

he has a perfectly good home that he's lived in for 19 years with his mum

what he wants is to leave there and amble off to his dads because his mum is "moaning" at him for being "messy". No doubt because he thinks dad won't mind him being messy

he's not being kicked out, he's choosing to leave

@Emptyandsad same can be said for when OP’s DD is in the house when home from uni. Why haven’t these discussions been had? If the DC were in their 30s it would be different but they both have 19yos, most 19yos would still view this house as somewhere they could live, even if only part-time.

My parents moved when I was at uni, there was still a bedroom/home for me at the new house.

Ok, so this is a wind up thread.

OK, but why is the default living with mum?

The outcome could be "I don't want to live with your son, so we shouldn't buy a house together"

That would be a perfectly reasonable position to take.

If the OP wants to explore the option of the son moving in, she needs an open and honest chat with her OH and then the three of them need to sit down together so that everybody knows exactly how things should work. In the three way discussion, OP will get an idea of how her DP is going to stick up for her in the house in the years (!) to come

So if OPs DD left uni and wanted to go and live with her mum - you’re saying it’s ok for DP to refuse - even though it’s OP’s DD??

I am shocked how many people would put a relationship over their own kids.

If any man said my DD wasn’t welcome to live in our home then I’d be gone.

That's a shocking move from your OH.

Has his son been made aware that there will be house rules and that he'll be expected to abide by them, pay a financial contribution, keep his room tidy and do his share of chores? Perhaps pointing out to him that he wouldn't be having such an easy time might make him think twice. It sounds like he thinks he'll move in with you to get away from his mum having similar expectations of him.

I suspect one night a week at has dad's has given him a false impression of what will be expected of him if he lived there full time.

Yes I'll be honest I'm starting to think that too

How is DP with discipline aka making his child behave like a grown adult, will he just shrug and say it doesn’t matter if his son leaves his stuff everywhere and never clears up after himself? Is he going to be charged rent, does your DP expect you to do all the housework and cooking once you’ve moved in? Just dropping this on you js really not on. A big conversation needs to be had over boundaries and house rules for all.

@Theeyeballsinthesky but why should mum be default home. I bet she is thinking time dad shared some of the ‘fun’ of having a young adult in the house.

@redboxer321 Why? The op is reasonable to say these things are a problem. They totally are! I’d be very cross with no consultation and my future being compromised. It’s not what she expected so why is it a wind up?

OP. Honestly, YANBU.

But there are some on MN who hate Stepmums and will try to make you think you’re evil for not immediately going “yes, wonderful - you haven’t discussed it with me at all but il be delighted to have another adult, possibly two living with us in the new house we’re supposed to be living in together”.

You will get some responses painting you as the villain no matter what. Here in the real world - no one would think this was acceptable behaviour.

This is what she actually said. She makes it clear that it's the lack of discussion rather than the son living with them.

Yes I completely get that in 2 years time they may come back (although I’d be surprised as they love not living at home!). For me it’s more the lack of discussion on something so big than his son actually being there.

Judging by the previous Mumsnet playbook in six months you’ll be on your hands and knees cleaning up after both father and son, wondering how you ended up as their servant.

I would try to rent with this person first before becoming so financially entangled with a joint mortgage. Or perhaps continue to live separately for a few years until both kids have properly flown.

Absolutely right. All these things should have been discussed at great length

The complete lack of communication in so many relationships is astounding. People find it easier to come on here and ask strangers on the Internet than they do to talk to the person that they love and who loves them

Mind blown...

Are you unable to use your words?
Did you just sit in complete silence?

You said he was talking to you about bedrooms etc - literally trying to have a discussion with you.

But a discussion does require you contributing as well.

Op. DDs at university come home after graduation in many cases. I’m beginning to think you should keep your own home!

He definitely should have discussed it, no argument there.
However, he has a son and you have a daughter. How can you say no to his child but expect your child to live with you after uni. You say she probably won't, but you can't know that.
Put down house rules for BOTH children and make no differences.

So he'll now be messy in YOUR new home? Ooh, no thanks. I'd be tempted to leave the pair of them to it, father and son, and see how long dad puts up with 'messiness'? Don't now be rushed into making snap decisions, and accepting things you haven't had time to process.

I would pull out.

He’s allowed to want his son to move in with him but the complete lack of discussion and the springing this on you is a very big red flag of signs to come. The thinks it’s his house, his rules and you should just follow.

I didn't read that poster's quote that way. I took it to mean that it's important to have these conversations before moving in together, let alone buying a house together, because the answer could mean the relationship isn't actually suitable long term. It is perfectly acceptable for a person not to want to live with their partner's adult child. As a parent, it's also acceptable to say your child, no matter their age, will always have a home with you. But if it's not clear what the red lines are in the relationship, then it's far too soon to be buying 50% of a property together.

@maximusss assume you would have the same house rules as you would for your DD

Exactly that

Has your partner's house always been the weekend house for his son? I think that adds to the risk that he sees dad's as the chill, “fun” house which bodes ill for this setup. The worst case scenario is finding yourself “nagging” two eye rolling and resentful men and feeling like Nanny Fucking McPhee in your own home.

This.

OP - this is going to be a huge change for you presumably at a time in your life when your dd has gone off to uni and you are able to please yourself and move in with your dp. For him to dump it in your lap that you’ll now have his ds living with you who’ll be around every single day (and probably his gf too) is just plain wrong and obviously changes everything. You sounds very passive and nice and I’m thinking you’ll go ahead to keep the peace and sleepwalk into a very bad situation.

It’s ok for you to not be ok with this and if your dp loves you he will understand and see that a joint house purchase probably isn’t the best thing right now and his responsibility is to his ds, if that’s what he decides. Just stay in your separate properties for now.