DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Boxer321 beat me to it, I’m struggling to believe that your DP has only just found out about this

Also agree with everyone who is saying the son is thinking “Great, I can move in there and get her to do everything for me cos Mummy doesn’t want to anymore”

Keep your own house OP or you’ll be kicking yourself hard in a few months, or even weeks, of moving

This, and: what is his fabulous new idea for 'how you make the bedrooms work'?

Have you sold your home yet?

I would pull out. You can continue as you are.

Great dp now the bills can be split 3 ways..
If he doesn't agree to this call the whole thing off..

That's nice, I'm glad I know that you think it's a red herring to find out whether OP and her partner are behaving the same, on the same page, or not.

WHY is his mum moaning at him? If there is a perfectly good reason his own, loving mother isn't happy with him, it doesn't bode well for him living with you.

I would tell DP that you're pausing the exchange until you've resolved the issue of his son to your mutual satisfaction.

YANBU OP, I would be very uncomfortable with this. Like you say not so much his son moving in but the complete lack of discussion about it. Also what would be concerning me is he's moving out from his mums because she moans at him a lot, so basically he's looking for a doss house where he's not expected to have to do anything. Also bit strange this has come all of a sudden when you and partner are buying a nice new house. He's 19 and working surely if he doesn't want to live with his mum any more he could be looking for a flat or something to rent

It sounds like you may both have been assuming that you and your partner would primarily live alone, with short stays from your respective children. The difference seems to be that your partner made assumptions that the home would be open for longer term arrangements for the children and you weren’t. If this wasn’t discussed at all, you have both been making assumptions. As previous posts show, some posters would also assume that all parents would open their doors to their young adult whilst others wouldn’t.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your partner to want to house his child. It is also not unreasonable for you to decide this set up isn’t what you thought how things would be, and pull out of the purchase.

I think you need to separate the issue about communication, which is easier to fix, from issues arising from your living arrangements not being what works well for you.

Yes - you need to be very sure that his dad will be equally holding him to civilised living in the house and not expecting you to do it, or expecting you to put up with it to keep the peace. First step - talk to your DH about what happens about setting and maintaining expectations.

Exactly my thinking: the son is treating his mum like his servant and is being messy. Before he moves in, tell him he'll be moving out if there's any sign of house pig behaviour.

Is there enough bedroom space to make the situation work if both your DC live with you?

Give it a rest. She only found out last night this was being planned. I despise it when people on here try to trip up the OP.

Can’t believe the responses on here. It’s his son! Could you imagine if it was the mother wanting her daughter to live with them and the man said no. Unbelievable!

@rockingroller The DS has only said he wants to move in and leave his mum last week! Difficult to discuss long ago when presumably the OP and DP thought he was with his mum. Now it’s all changed.

The DP should have found out why his DS wants to change? Bigger house? Nearer work? Fall out with mum? DS is working so can pay his way but parents cannot just get rid of dc and the DP here has presumably managed that for a number of years. Now it’s his turn.

However not discussing it with op is poor. I’d raise it with DP and find out why. Plus I would get a very secure financial arrangement drawn up if I needed to extract myself from the house as presumably there’s no marriage on offer.

Is your DP’s son being nagged by his mum because he is a messy teenager and she is fed up of clearing up after him by any chance? Does your DP pull his weight cleaning up when he stays with you or are they both going to expect you to be chief chef and cleaner?

But surely you can see it’s unreasonable to agree without even consulting your partner, the other house-owner? Wouldn't you think a man who even suddenly announced he’d bought a cat or a dog was being unreasonable if he hadn’t consulted his partner first?

So lucky this happened before exchange. LTB. No one casually mentions to their partner that someone else is moving into their home.

Son or not, it still needs to be discussed. You can’t just move anyone into a shared space without a discussion. It also seems he is moving out from his mum’s because she is moaning at him. I wonder why that might be.

He 'dropped [it] into the conversation'? Hell no.

If your partner has pulled something like this without discussion, what else will he pull? I'd be out of there.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

😱😱😱😱

I would 100% be pushing back exchange and I would be REALLY clear woth the Solicitor NOT to exchange until you green light it.

There wasn’t really a discussion to be had. DS arrived at DPs this week and said he’s living with him. DP couldn’t turn him away as he’s his son. So that’s the plan. He’s just keeping you in the loop as him and DS are also moving in with you, he’s not asking your permission to include DS in the plans, in DPs head they come as a package, for now anyway.

If you don’t like it, then stay put. He’ll stay put with DS.

And?

How about you move in one of your relative's without discussion? "BTW honey, my mum's moving in with us!"

Can you afford to keep your home as well, Op?
The red flag of no consultation makes me nervous.

It is not unusual to have young adult children live with their parents off and on until they settle into work, girlfrieds etc.

I would clearly state ...

• That it is not okay for DP to have offered for any person to share your new home without consulting you.
• That if DSS is moving in there will be strict boundaries.
• That there be an agreed age by which DSS will find his own accommodation, then only staying for odd visits.

Boundaries such as DSS cleaning his own bathroom, him cooking (and cleaning up) for you all once per week and you and DP similarly each cooking for the three of you once. The remainder of DSS food he buys and cooks for himself.
DSS does his own washing, has no overnight guests without asking BOTH of you, helps with household chores like mowing, bins out, washing windows, sweeping etc.
Think long and hard about the boundaries that mean a lot to you. Maybe you don't like sharing a kitchen or bathroom full time with a teenager.

It is an opportunity for your DP to show his DS how to live respectfully and learn skills of independent cooking, shopping, cleaning etc.

Agree that DSS has two chances - then is asked to leave if he is a problem to live with.

Discuss fully with your partner before the serious talk with DSS. As you are all adults, you have just as much say as your DP as to what will be tolerated within your home.
You are not talking as a step mother but as landlord/flat mate.

I'm not trying to trip her up. I'm asking questions to help her see whether or not she's being unreasonable or what she needs to be thinking about.

If they're both doing the same thing, they need full on discussions about their plans. If it's just him making assumptions she needs to consider whether she's happy to continue at all.