DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

How are you going to own the house? If you proceed I hope it is as tenants in common, so your own children will receive your share if you die before your husband. Otherwise I can foresee the son moving in... you dying first... and the son just living there forever.

What else will you be "told" in the future though? What new carpet, new motor, holiday you are having? Lodger? That he has invited 10 in-laws for tea and you will be cooking for them?

I would NOT buy a house with this man.

Also. I wouldn't have a fucken weed smoker in my house, full stop- for a visit, let alone lodged there. He moves in, he'll be like shit on the proverbial blanket. Never to be dislodged

Don't be a mug

Agree!

You’re not being unreasonable to think you should have been consulted before this very big decision was made.

Yes it’s his son but not your son and if you are buying the house as equal partners why does one partner feel they can just invite someone else to live there without any discussion at all? It’s a big red flag that your partner doesn’t respect you. I would be rethinking the whole idea re buying a place together.

Duplicate post.

it makes perfect sense to me that the dad is delighted for his son to live with him - he missed the opportunity when the son was growing up. It also makes sense why you wouldn’t be into it. If you buy a house with this man you are signing up to a lifetime relationship with the son. This is why blended families don’t work

If you currently own your own home I would say stay where you are

Pull out. There will be other houses down the line if you choose to still buy together. If he didn't even raise the issue of another adult living in the house, then he isn't someone to be trusted to buy a house with. Let his son move in with him, and see how it goes for a few months. If they are both able to function like fully grown adults and clean the house, there are boundaries around the gf, the weed etc then have a re-think. I bet he won't move in with just his dad though, because that doesn't come with the maid and housekeeper package.

What, and you don't think the boy's untidiness and weed habit have any bearing on the matter? And OP isn't saying he can't 'land' temporarily in a crisis. That's very different from a permanent living setup with someone who doesn't sound like he's learned how to adult yet.

@maximusss what's going on? Are you going to bring us up to date?

Also - just to add.
He doesn’t even have experience of living with his dad. Why haven’t they lived together before now?

Shouldn’t they establish that foundation - before adding you to the mix!

It has to be a 4 bed house (not 3 plus a box room) otherwise he giving her part of a room to his son, and if her daughter ever needs to move in there will be no room for her.

More importantly - at the very least , 2 bathrooms.

I forgot the bathroom. Yes of course, imagine having to share your bathroom with a19 year old whose mother has thrown him out for being messy!

DS was already going to be staying one night a week and DD stays sometimes during the holidays so surely bedroom/bathroom allocation would already have been thought about

You are going to go from having your own house to escape to for "me" time to living full time with your partner and now,his adult son?
Sorry,but that would not work for me.

Plus the girlfriend don't forget.

I find men don't tend to think about sharing bathrooms, I doubt it has crossed the father's mind.

@Imdunfer but wouldn’t it have crossed OP’s mind as he was already going to be staying 1 day a week at least, or would he have been banned from the bathroom

I doubt he's even thought about it. I very much doubt there's been any discussion with the lad along the lines of "we have an en suite, you'll use the main bathroom, which you MUST keep clean for when we have visitors and for when MK wants to use the bath."

No update from the OP?
I would definitely pull out of this house purchase - and make it clear I was horrified that this precious (adult) DS didn't think he should ask his dad about the possibility of moving in, rather than just telling him. And that his dad's reaction was to say yes, rather than explaining he would need to talk to his partner first, and that neither of them would put up with mess in their brand-new house either.

I hope the new house doesn't have neighbours. If you moved next door to me with a weed smoking teenager, I would be extremely pissed off.

I think OP started the thread thinking we would say yes she was being unreasonable, and that would put her mind at rest, and the purchase would go ahead as planned.

But we've been unanimous in backing her doubts. Not only that we've introduced questions about the values of her partner.

Maybe that's why she's not been back.

Or using someone else's towel 🤮

His own mother has had enough if his attitude and behaviour. Your partner refused to discuss it with you, and hasnt discussed any of the details. This would stop me in my tracks completely.

I would absolutely be laying very strict ground rules about gf stays over one night a week max. No weed at all. He keeps his room clean. What his share if the housework will be. How much he will contribute towards food and bills. His cooking for the family nights.

Do not let his or his father’s attitude be that mum expects his to be respectful so he is moving in with dad who has no expectations.