DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

I 100% agree. You've been ambushed. You've been hoodwinked into buying a home for him and his son, when you though younwere buying one for you and your partner.
LTB

I think he should have brought this up to you before but I also think he has every right to mive his son into his home too.

I disagree, I don't think it's as absolute as that. If the adult child is going to respect the house and its occupants then there should be at least a presumption, if not a right, in their favour.

But a weed smoking, freeloading slob should not be able to live there as of right. If the parent wants to say that despite everything they're their son/daughter and they still love them and want to help them, then there is a discussion to be had. It should be about not only the ground rules, but also how those rules are going to be enforced and the consequences of not following them. Something the DP has denied OP. Even that's not foolproof though. As some including me have suggested, it's easy to promise all the right things to get what the parent wants and then refuse to follow them when they've got it - their offspring in residence.

Something this big should absolutely be discussed and not presented to you as 'this is happening, just so you know'. If his own mother finds him so difficult to live with that she has to complain to the point that he wants to move out, I would hate to have him living with me!

Exactly. And it's not just an entitled weed-smoking slob, it's an entitled weed-smoking slob and his girlfriend who stays over almost every night.

Something that needs discussing before you move in together. The fact it wasn't discussed is a huge red flag. Honest discussion with do needed op.

Dear @maximusss , I do feel for you - we've been coming at you all day like a flock of harpies! 😆 You must feel it's a terrible onslaught... You poor thing, you've had a big and unpleasant shock from someone you trusted, just when you thought you were moving towards a new stability... your head must be in a whirl, and here we are on page 31, still ranting about it...

I don't think anyone here is angry at you - we're angry on your behalf at the dirty trick played on you - we're on your side. I hope you've been able to at least buy yourself some time to think and process this. Do you have a good friend or loving relative in real life who you can talk to?

Please look after yourself - the basics of enough water, food and sleep - take a deep breath, go for a walk. Do whatever makes you feel strongest and most comforted, and act from there.

Wishing the best possible outcome for you! 🤗

This is a huge issue, he should have discussed it first. It sounds like your DP has told you at the last minute because he thinks you’ll just carry on with buying the house regardless.

If the DS’s own mum doesn’t want him living with her, I can’t imagine it’ll be any fun for you, either in the short-term, or the long-run (his DS will likely get comfortable with doing the bare minimum yet getting fed, watered and having a roof over his head).

I’d be tempted to pull out of the purchase and stay in my own house. DS can then live in the new house with his Dad, and see how that works out for the two of them.

@maximusss Have you managed to have ‘the chat’ yet? No doubt dp has given you alot of reassurances. However, don’t listen. Postpone the house purchase. If dp is happy to live with his don, he can do so at his house. At least your house won’t stink of weed then.

I'd reply, 'No problem. Just to make you aware, my Mum is moving in the week after". See how he likes no discussion about a big thing like that!

So he wants to move in because his mother moans at him for being messy.

And you’re expected to say “hurrah, bring your mess here instead, we will roll over and let you live the life of Riley! Make a mess, smoke weed in the garden, have your gf over god knows how many nights a week”. It’s a no from me.

You are in a VERY STRONG POSITION at the moment.
To be zble to tell him that you are not happy with this development anf thd lack of duscussion, and that you Will Not Exchange.

I think you’re fine to say no, but if your own child wanted to move back into your shared home in the future due to domestic violence, relationship break-down, divorce, job loss and the myriad other reasons children return home over the course of a life-time, it should be a firm no from the OP’s DP as well. Make sure you have a list of homeless shelters to direct your child to. After all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

Why didn't this trigger a conversation AT THE TIME. Is this a pattern?
He just tells you something and you accept it?

I can sense that you are going to be passive and go ahead on Monday. Pretty sure this won't end well if you are too afraid to address it with him

Well this is utter bollocks. There is zero equivalence between a very real wastrel 19-year-old who won't clean up after himself and disrespects the home his mother is generously providing for her adult son; and a hypothetical scenario where OP's daughter is in genuine need of temporary sanctuary through no fault of her own.

I think a lot of what’s been posted here is irrelevant. What matters is the way Dave has just dropped this on you four days before you are due to exchange, when there has been zero consultation or discussion.

For me, it would definitely be a case of putting the whole thing on hold so you can ask Dave why the f he is playing at and why he thinks it’s remotely acceptable. Ask him why he thinks your views don’t matter and why he thinks so little of you.

Your DP is being massively disrespectful to think he can just tell you this and you’ll accept it.

This lads own mum can’t stand living with him. This is going to be a disaster if you go ahead with the purchase and it sounds like you’re being set up to be paying for the privilege of being a maid to two men.

Doesn’t your DC live with you anyway? - As they are just in the first year of Uni / surely they will have a room in your new house?

Tell him that you dont like being disrespected or taken for granted by having bombshells dropped on you last minute with no discussion what so ever.

That his son who has decided to move in is NOT his sons or his descion to make nor his alone.

Tell him that you have made a decision NOT go through with the move as planned, so he and his son can get a place together for now.
In the mean time you wil be considering your relashionship with him.

You will be walked over by both of them if you go ahead and live with this man / son, once hes in you will not be able to get him out if his dad just makes decisions for you.

Think carefully do not buy together This is a big red flag showing you your future

I would pull out.
Stay in your own house.
Ditch the 'D'P.

I’d pull out immediately. Keep your own house and security. I’d probably ditch the DP too, especially after this.

I know it was unexpected but if your children are living with you both you must have known there was a chance he could at sometime, it would be alwayd a chance by having a relationship with someone with children even grown ones

She probably had the absolute audacity to expect it to be a conversation where they agreed parameters though? Eg no weed.

Sounds like two entitled men who expect their own way 🤷🏻‍♀️.

The way it’s been done would mean I’d pull out.

I would pull out!
Your DP making an autonomous decision about a life changing event is a huge red flag.

Let him get away with it this one time and it won't be the last. He's controlling.

Pull out now. Red flag here