DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

This!
You have to say something (a lot!) to your partner! Delay the exchange until things are clearer and then wither pull out or go ahead if you are one hundred percent happy and partner has apologised profusely for being so presumptuous and not discussing it with you before agreeing to his son moving in.
If you don;t do this, your partner will walk all over you about everything for ever.

Maybe a chat with the mum would be helpful @maximusss .

Find out exactly how her home has been treated and how she has been treated.
Might be useful to find out when the whole 'Mum I'm moving to dads new place' came about. How long she has known and who's idea it was.
Best of luck.

@maximusss Are you coming back?

OP speaking as someone who has first hand experience of a man like this. DO NOT BUY THIS HOUSE. Currently you have your own house, and security. Once you sell that it is gone and you are stuck living with a man who doesn't feel you have a right to any input in decisions, and a messy weed smoking young adult who has no intention of tidying up his act or paying his way. There is no way you can dress this up to make it look like a positive move for you.

I am concerned that you are going to let this happen because you feel you should. You really shouldn't.

Please consider pulling out of house purchase. Partner has told you that son moving in and will have x room. Totally reasonable he may want to have son living with him but should have been a discussion. Perhaps house rules discussed. He has made a big decision that impacts you. I doubt this will be the last.

Alarm bells should be ringing. Son already sounds messy. Probably get worse living at yours. Will partner pull him up on stuff. Has partner discussed what financial contribution son will be making? He has a job now but could change.

My DM said never move in with another man - always keep your space, then you have your freedom. There's no need to move in with anyone once you've had kids.

Once kids are involved - yours and his - it becomes a nightmare to move in together because you never know when they might just land - like this - for good! You always have time and space for your own kids - because - they're your OWN. But someone else's? No thanks. That's the honest, harsh truth and it's OK to say it out loud.

I really hope you've delayed OP. It's OK not to want to live with a messy young man that smokes weed and has a girlfriend staying over and all that comes with that....

The joys of getting with someone who already has children, they will always come before you, if that’s not what you want you shouldn’t be with them.

How did the discussion go @maximusss ?

Actually that is not a healthy dynamic once children are adults the spouse should always come first in that case.

I have a horrible feeling OP will not pull out of the sale sadly.

It feels wrong because it is wrong. This has been sprung on you with no discussion.

If you move in with him you’ll regret it and it’s much harder to move back out when you’ve bought a house together

The attitude would annoy me. I also would not be tolerating messy by an adult or weed in my house or garden. So i would be telling my do what the none negotiable expectations and ground rules were.

It really isn’t that black and white. Children (especially adult ones) really shouldn’t be put first at all times regardless of context, parents and stepparents do actually get a say in their own flipping lives as well. Particularly in scenarios that are unfair to one family member and/or enable adult children not to bother growing up, as would almost certainly be the case here judging by what we’ve told about this young man.

This scenario would do no one any favours. It isn’t reasonable to suggest a blanket ‘children come first at all times’ philosophy in a situation like this.

Back away . You are secure now. He does not consider you when making a big decision. He will not be a considerate person to live with. Keep your own home and dont ,dont ,dont buy a house together.

I think the thing that sort of rankles me is that OP has a child of the same age who is currently at Uni, so currently a 'holidays only' resident of this house, but a 'resident' nonetheless. And that if this child isn't able to get a flat right out of Uni OP seems to expect he/she would be living there until they could. On the face of things, that's treating each child differently. She is welcome, he is not.

Bottom line, was OP's child's living in the house (even part time) discussed and agreed upon together or was it just assumed by OP (and yes, possibly her DP) that this would be the case? Because if it was simply assumed by one or both of them, on the face of it I can see why the DP would think his son was welcome with no discussion, too.

I'm assuming here that OP's child is well behaved and 'tidy' so there would be a big difference in each child's 'impact' on the home. The issue of DP's child's behaviour and 'habits' at his mum's is another issue and certainly bears a serious discussion with rules set down and consequences known to him. And OP needs to make it clear that her partner will be responsible for any cleaning up after him and any 'enforcement.

In threads about stepparents having issues with their partner's kids moving in, it's stressed that the children have 'two homes', their mum's and their dad's, and that they should be welcome in either home. Seems to me it's not dissimilar here. If OP's adult child is made welcome, on the face of it, so should her partner's.

This is reason number 23049802384 why I never dated a man with children.

I think he should have brought this up to you before but I also think he has every right to mive his son into his home too. If your kids wanted to live with you I assume you'd say yes too.

Absolutely okay for son to move in - he’s 19, not 30. But the issue is your dp not running it by you first. If you weren’t okay with it, then dp has the option to back out.

@maximusss where is your head at now? Did you contact your solicitor to put a hold on completion?

It's your home afterall.. and having a third person move in without consulting you is a massive red flag... He's left it almost too late for you to do anything about it too. Almost, but not quite.
Pull out of the sale.
You don't even know how long this arrangement is for.
If he's off to uni and only staying there in the holidays that's one thing.. but permanently moving in without your consent is not on.

It's his son.. yes.. but why do you have to provide housing without even being asked. And when you say it's his son after all .. that sounds like you are echoing a phrase your DP has used to persuade you.

Once you buy that house with your DP. He will move in anyway and you will have to put up with it because it will be much harder to resell and rebuy your own place. And your DP knows you are too nice to protest much but it is a RED FLAG.

If he can pull this shit without talking to you first, what will be next?

If you agree, it has to be at least a 3 bedroom house with one bedroom allocated to his son and one to yours, no compromise on that.

They both have a child. No discussion. Its 50% her house.

I'd talk to your DP tonight and tell him his son cannot live with both of you as this was not agreed in advance and is a complete surprise to you.

His son was not living with his father during your relationship so there was no expectation that he would be living with both of you in your new home.

Starting a new life together with an adult child changes the whole dynamic and you need to reconsider what is in YOUR best interest.

His mother is fed up with him because he's not pulling his weight around the home. You'll be fed up with him in less than no time for the same reason.

The son smoking weed is another deal breaker on its own.
It's illegal and makes people paranoid over time.
I wouldn't accept anyone living in my home who did this.

It sounds like his son needs to move - into his own place - so he can grow up and become a responsible adult.

hi OP, I’ve read all your posts but not the whole thread

FWIW my husband has a child so I fully understand the dynamic of wanting to do the right thing by their relationship while also protecting yourself

Totally reasonable that you are stressed by this and wondering what to do. Buying a house is stressful enough on its own.

Remember you can totally go ahead with the house and discuss this later, if in your heart you trust your husband and you generally have good communication

its totally ok for you to be royally pissed off with the way he has presented this information to you. If he’s a decent bloke I imagine he might have been caught off guard and didn’t want to hesitate when his son asked if he could live with him so said yes straight away. Which I can kind of understand tbh (even though I would be equally as stressed as you if I was in your shoes - sharing your home with your partner and their child is no small thing). But it’s still ok for you to be mad. To make this set up work, and it’s not impossible, you will need to have a BIG chat with your husband about how he’s made you feel as well as many ongoing discussions about how things are going to work in your home with the three of you. If it’s ultimately not going to work for you, that is ok, you can give it a go and you can always move back out. Not ideal I know, just reminding you that you have options and you are not trapped.

sorry don’t know if this helps at all. Just trying to think what I might do in your shoes. I really feel for you.

😂

I think a pp said OP was lucky she found out before the sale went through..

But to me, this is just further evidence of the DP's underhanded behaviour... it's clear from the OP's post that she's feeling guilty and "but it's his son" about it all and the DP knowing that would be her first reaction could easily have discussed this in advance and charmed an agreement.

I think he deliberately withheld the information until the last minute exactly to give her zero time to think. because:

1. He thinks she won't have the guts to delay the sale.. and will just go through with it
2. He knows what the son is like but has given in to him. When the inevitable happens and OP complains he can say... "but if you didn't want him to move in you should have said something... you could have stopped the sale!"

result the DP is in the clear.
He gave her the chance (just) and now she's made her bed she will have to lie in it/ It's all her fault, she could have said no.
Masterclass in manipulation