DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Say yes and then have really loud sex at every opportunity. He won’t stay for long.

@bigboykitty but the OP should also have considered it, especially if she was expecting her DD to be able to stay, but wrong of her to say DD can stay but his son cant

@BePoisedPlumUser do you suggest the same behaviour when OP’s DD stays there

Look.
It isn’t his son.
You like his son.
You’re very fond of his son.
It’s the principle of his moving his son in.
I suggest moving a puppy or kitten in without his consent or permission.
Just move it in.
And I’d suggest a kitten. Because that comes with a cat box.
Or perhaps a large puppy — because that does not — bwa ha ha.
Do NOT take this lying down!!!

Sending love and STRENGTH from California ❤️

I would pull out. And I definitely wouldn’t want a weed smoking messy lazy adults DSS moving in without conversation and clear boundaries. It speaks volumes as to how you are viewed by your DP 🚩

Right, his son could have moved in with his dad yonks ago. (As IF 🤣. Hardly have got his shirts and gym crap washed or his supper cooked there, I bet)

Isn’t the Universe mysterious, the way these innocent but very handy coincidences occur?
Suddenly the adult son is fed up with his mother’s complaints, and Lo!
Here is his dad with a built-in woman to ‘do’ for them both, a bonne à toute faire as they say in darkest France.
DP is a pretty cynical bloke by the sound of things and, I’d bet any money, an unreconstructed MCP.
Caveat emptor, though it’s no doubt too late and OP too lacking in spleen.

You’ve said a few times that you feel unreasonable because it’s his son after all. The issue absolutely isn’t who he’s invited it’s how. You don’t invite anyone, regardless of relationship, to live with you as two adult without a conversation, particularly when the person in question is another adult. Unbelievable from him. So sorry this is happening to you.

I was with you up until your last sentence.

This could be about any large man-made decision about your future shared home. You have not been asked or consulted which is wrong. I would pull out of the sale, even if it means you lose your buyer and the new place you are buying. Take a pause of 6 months or so and see how things pan out between you and your partner and his son. A lot of money is at stake, as is your independence. I would not risk it in the circumstances.

His own mother (his flesh and blood) is at the end of her tether with him. There is no reason to believe he will treat OPs place any differently. In fact it sounds like his dad will be less than effective at managing his child so why should OP take the risk? The son is 19, not 12. Ominously, OP wrote that he is currently working which suggests he has a chequered job history. The move would be a disaster for her but great for her DP and his son. Btw the son has a choice of 3 places to live: his mum's if he reduces the mess and is a bit more respectful, his dad's or his own room in a houseshare. He's not being left out on his ear.

Make sure you ask him about the fact that the sun will also expect to have the girlfriend over all the time. So you won't just have one unexpected adult, you'll have two.

You already know the son it's lazy and messy. Is your partner prepared to clean up after two additional adults?

Maximusss
This is what he will always do; decide then tell you to do as he says
Why should you house his son?
Would he allow your daughter?
Not comfortable with this
It's leading to you doing as he's saying
And assumptive bullying starts benignly.........

I honestly think you will regret this if you go-ahead. Pull out now. Stay in your own home. The issues with the son are red flags, as is the absence of any consultation. It will be awkward/painful temporarily but that is surely better than permanent problems with a messy weed smoking adult son plus girlfriend, neither of whom you'll be able to get rid of. You won't be able to joy your own home. If you put your foot down and say the house purchase is off unless dp agrees son isn't moving in, I suspect the decision will occur again once the ink is dry. I'd urge you to preserve your independence.

Upthread, someone suggested that this wasn’t a last minute decesions by the son, but discussed between dad and son alot earlier. They knew op may not be onboard with the idea, so mentioned minute.

Basically, you are buying a place to live and an uninvited person has decided to move in without asking you. Both your partner and his DS are being disrespectful. This is such a bad omen, I'd pull out of the whole deal. I hope you are managing to make your partner understand why what he has done is wrong.

I would absolutely have to pull out and withdraw from the move. He’s 19, how long will he expect to live with you? Will he bring random girls home regularly? Will he pay rent? Will he help clean and cook or contribute? This is the types of discussions that should have been had. Do not move!

You'd be walking into a world of mess ... knowingly.

Don't put your future at risk because you're too afraid to pull out. Think dispassionately. There's a reason why his mother doesn't want him living with her anymore.

how convenient, isnt it...a paying woman capable of buying half a house and someone expecting that a dirty, lousy, weed stinking smug just has the right to walk in, take off his shoes and the woman to be the servant of them both

by the sound of how the son is, all the replies to these questions are yes and no, he does not want to give rent or a timeline for moving out

I don't think it's fair he made this decision of his own accord .
Your opinion and feelings matter and are valid.
Make it clear to him that he doesn't tell you what's happening he discusses it like a respectful grown man this is your house too x

Nope. No way. Your partner is sneaky and disrespectful, keeping the plans from you until almost the last minute!
Delay and if necessary, pull out of the deal altogether.

In a way, had she been consulted by her DP well ahead of time, she may very well have agreed to his son moving in (because after all she says she likes him) but it would not be long before she'd realise what a catastrophic mistake it was. This way, horrible timing though it is, has thrown everything into sharp focus for her and she has a chance to get out before it's too late.

Can you explain the bedroom situation?

How many bedrooms, who has which one?

Who will make DSS do housework?

Have you said DSS’s girlfriend can’t stay over?

You seem very passive.

I've read the OP's posts and a couple of pages of others posts, and can't believe how the OP is being so laid back - I'd be seriously freaking out.

Before this conversation about the DSS moving in the OP believed she and her DP were buying a house together to which she would, presumably, have 100% access to all rooms. And now there's a third person moving in and one of the rooms (DSS bedroom) will be (I would imagine) off limits to her - and that isn't taking into account a fourth person (the DSS girlfriend) visiting.

The heck I would! Disrespectful of the DP to drop this bombshell in a vague comment. Nah. Serious conversation to be had before anything gets signed.

I’d be uneasy too, first how it was told to you, rather than discussed, and second because I wouldn’t want anyone living with me who smokes weed.

I’d be suggesting that his son stays where he is for now, and he increases time spent at yours gradually. You have time to implement some rules then, such as the girlfriend staying, keeping the place tidy, no weed, that his laundry is his responsibility, what he has to do to pull his weight and how much board he pays. Maybe once he realises there will be rules (& you won’t be his housemaid) he may realise staying where he is isn’t so bad, or maybe he’ll actually be a lovely person to have living with you because you’ve all had a chat and he knows what’s expected.

I’d also be having a very honest chat with your partner about how things like this aren’t a done deal, and it’s only fair they should be discussed.