DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

i agree, I wonder what the opinion would be if he kicked off because her child dropped out of uni & all of a sudden needed to come home. Would everyone be criticising her to expect to house her child? I doubt it

If before you move in with someone and you discuss the fact that new house is home for DC (both yours and partners), if adult DC then says I need to move in on a more regular basis (so not just once a week or uni holidays) how much more discussion can there be apart from house rules, rent etc. you’ve already agreed it is their home. If the partner’s DC was the one at uni would it be right for OP to say no can’t come here in holidays, or after uni.

How crazy he didn't even discuss it. You must have had discussions about what each of the bedrooms would be used for?

Unless there's some horrific breakdown of relations in his other home I'd be saying the arrangement remains the same. And I'd be furious he thought he could just make the decision so casually.

I really hope you have called the solicitors to pause the progress, @maximusss. I must say, if I were you, I would not be going ahead with this joint purchase, as others have said, there are red flags a-plenty and I think you would be the loser in this whole situation. The idea was for you and your partner to live together, not for you both to blend families and have all your children come and live with you and for you to be their unpaid housekeeper.
Good luck!

She has to remember that she also has a child that’s very likely be coming home full time in a few years & uni they have nearly 4 weeks off at Christmas and finish may/june and return October. She doesn’t have to contribute & the son should pay his way as he’s working but I’m sure she’ll appreciate help when it comes to feeding & housing hers

Going away from the point here but if you do go through with the purchase how will you be owning the property, joint tenants or tenants in common?

As for the actual point I do find it weird that conversations about the possibility of very young adults wanting to live with you or spend a lot of time there haven’t happened as well as decisions about bedrooms etc. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to live with a 19 year old who isn’t your own and may still behave like a child. I wouldn’t expect my DC to financially contribute to my home in teens or early 20’s unless I needed it but I would want the saving.

It’s how the cookie crumbles. First either of us knew about dh’s dd coming to live with us was his ex calling us on a Friday telling us she would be moving in on Saturday afternoon, didn’t even ask if we would be in (dsd had a key) dsd was 19. All was fine but no you have accept it as its his child

No she doesn't have to accept it. Her DP hasn't involved her at all in what is a major change to their circumstances just as they are about to exchange contracts on a house. A different situation from yours.

Erm no, it's an adult. You may let other people make your choices for you but I don't suggest op does the same.

another adult will unexpectedly, at extremely short notice but as a fait accompli be living in it - of course you have a choice. Stop the purchase now.

@ThejoyofNC so if the DD wants to live in the house during uni holidays, after uni or if a situation arises eg health so needs a break from uni it would be fine for the partner to say no.

Yes. Decisions like that need to be discussed and mutually agreed. If they cannot agree then they cannot live together.

He has a roof over his head. With his mother. He's looking to move presumably because he thinks his dad will be more of a soft touch. It's not exactly like he's going to end up sleeping on a park bench if he can't move into his dad's.

It's not too late to cancel the exchange on Monday. They will call on the day to confirm that OP and her shit partner are happy to proceed with the exchange.

Don't be silly. OP said they've already discussed and agreed this. Because OP isn't a twat.

would be a total NO from me.

The partner wont need to say no, he'll let his son + gf do as they please and she wont want to live there.

Just pull out and stop pandering to these step mum situations. Enough is enough, women will do everything for a man's cock, fed up seeing this nonsense

I presume there would be discussion before this happens, and uni holidays have already been discussed. It’s not quite the same as telling your dp that your weed- taking, possibly messy (why his mum means?) son (and girlfriend) are moving in.

Buying a house for three full- time adults is different to two-adults and guests. Apart from anything, nothing has. Been discussed about finances. Is the son going to pay a third of all bills etc. or will op be expected to pay 50:50, so subsidising him?

@bigboykitty so when they had that discussion why didn’t the discuss the possibility of his son treating their house as home. At the very least he was still going to be staying one day a week, so how was girlfriend and smoking weed going to fit in then?

I'm afraid I can't answer for the useless prick. I don't know him. Obviously.

But OP doesn’t live with this man.

She has the opportunity to avoid the situation if it doesn’t suit her.

There seem to be plenty of underlying issues with this son though.

Completely agree with this!

This is very unfair. Why doesn’t his Son apply for his own flat? He’s working after all.