DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

He’s being unreasonable. It’s like he’s tricked you into buying a home with him under false pretences. I am sure you had hopes of how it would be after finally moving in together and this is not it.

So this “adult” aka man child has had enough of his mum moaning at him that he is a bit of a slob so wants to come slob around in dads new house? How’s that going to work for you? If you ask him to tidy up after himself is he going to do as he is told or sulk/make life difficult? I’d suggest there may be more issues with his behaviour at his mums house than what you have been told because “mum moaning” May be mum being completely responsible and SS is a bit of a nightmare that you will have to endure….

what’s plan b if it doesn’t work out with SS where will he go?

Also OP not trying to project but that fact that you entered this discussion thinking you were being unreasonable is really worrying with regards to your expectations from relationships and how you should be treated.

Never be pushed/cajoled into a serious/long-term decision like this.

You have gone from having the excitement of moving into a new home with your DP. To moving into a home with DP, his (weed-smoking) son and his girlfriend - without ANY discussion.

Just. No.

Of course it should have been discussed. My stepson moved in with us (at 14 though), and we discussed it. And 19 is an adult so the three if you need to discuss how it will work.
I don’t think you can say no though, but you should definitely have not had this sprung in you without working things out .

"How often the girlfriend would be there (he sees her every day)
Whether he’ll be allowed to smoke weed in the back garden."

and how much he will be contributing alone will be a biiiiig factor i would say no if i was you.

Of course she can say no. Allowing someone to move in has to be a jointly agreed decision.

The friday before the exchange on the Monday and he suddenly announced this out of the blue.

Bullshit. This has been discussed/suggested/planned for ages. Youve been hustled.

I think I agree with this.

Why cant she say no?

Yep. Played like a fiddle. I hope you're finding your assertive anger about this.

He hasn’t sat on this info as a way to trap you. He’s literally been told himself.

Well that's the story OP's been fed...

100% this should have been discussed with you OP.

This is a huge thing to "announce" without discussion. You are not a wicked stepmum for feeling like this.

If you're happy with him living there then of course there needs to be ground rules - as there would be with your child if they were living there.

Don't let the stepfamily system make you feel it's YOU that's the problem here. It's not!

Maybe phone the fucking solicitor then so it doesnt exchange...

🙄🙄🙄🙄

I cannot believe this is real.
No one is this passive / indecisive surely?

People who think in this way should just not start relationships with people with kids. I have a dad I can’t turn to & because he’s distanced himself when he remarried he can’t turn to me either

Could you postpone the exchange to give you chance to talk things over x

Well she knows him you don’t. She has said the tables turned he wouldn’t have a problem so maybe he thought she’d be as support as he would be. What a bad man for expecting the same

It's very clearly the case.

Worryingly the op hasn't been back since 10am, and it's close to too late to cancel the exchange.

Just hoping op is quiet because she's been busy sorting it, and not sticking her head in the sand and putting up with being taken for a mug.

Given how your DP has thrown this on you, there is no way I'd be committing to a house purchase with him. Let your sales go through but then rent for 12 months together. That way, you're invested but not to the extent of having to sell somewhere to split IF it doesn't work out.

I would ask the solicitors to delay the exchange as these things need to be discussed. If it's Monday or Not Going Ahead at this time, I would choose the latter.

He HAS sprung this on you. It's not a uni student coming home here and there like yours; it's a full time adult, potentially his girlfriend as well, with zero discussion and no apparent contributions when you're paying half of everything going into this.

I would definitely not be going ahead tbh

but that is your dad not a step parent?

Yes, she made it difficult. So tell me then if my dad was to not listen to the wants of his wife what should he have said to her? Then that’s the advice you should be giving the OP

To be fair I think it’s an unwritten agreement that your child can always move home if they need to isn’t it? As long as they are no underlying issues. Wouldn’t even cross my mind to ask my partner. Discuss yes I suppose but it would never be a no from me and my child is now an adult.

Good, succinct, summary.

I think shes decided to go along with it. Good luck @maximusss 😬