DP’s son moving in

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I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

He’s banking on you feeling that way OP!
Otherwise, he would have discussed it long ago, before you got to this late stage with the house purchase.

You really must be honest (as well as more assertive) with yourself now and decide if this underhand, dishonest conduct is what you want to lumber yourself with. It is definitely the sort of thing that would break any normal person’s trust in their partner if they pulled a fast one like this.

It’s not about the young man coming to live with you, it’s about your partner’s massive assumption without discussion, - as well as his trickery.

Remember, you have time to pull out. This is exactly what this time period is for.
So don’t feel badly about if you decide that’s the best thing. I wouldn’t blame you at all.

How would he feel if you suddenly said, without any previous discussion, ….. oh my the way, my sister/new dog/adult daughter is coming to live with us as soon as we move in.

OP’s partner’s son is 19, not 10. It’s a bit different having a relationship with a parent of adults than one of young kids and a reasonable expectation that you will not have to house an adult (without being consulted).

Feeling ‘a little’ uneasy is surely an understatement!
In your place, by now I’d have alerted the solicitor that I was pulling out of the purchase, and that she’d hear from DP asap. I’d have texted ditto to DP in the meantime.
When he phones tonight, as surely he will, I’d be telling him I’m staying put, and remaing in my own house, while he and his son live wherever they land.

If his son is moving in because he cant tolerate his mother’s remonstrating with him, you can be sure whatever caused it would recur in the house you'd be sharing with your DP, and that DP wouldn't deal with it himself at all. (DS having ascertained this from long experience)
It’d be left up to you to give out about mess, noise, stench of weed, possession of weed in your house, girlfriend as good as living there….Christ who needs any of that, and all the less when its been taken for granted that you’ll take it on as your job.
You anticipated living with DP as just that, and he has upskuttled it all with his very last minute announcement.
(I hope the timing is mere happenstance, and that DP isnt dark enough to have planned for the bomb to drop when you'd think it too late to object)

To me, it’s all a good reason to leave the relationship, as it is following the usual grim script to the letter, sadly. A man exploits his partner’s good nature and what is more, expects it as his due, woman to man.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I’m furious at all this and I don't know either of you, and I certainly hope your slight unease has turned into righteous anger.

Interesting that people are saying there should have been more discussion, a lot of discussion etc.
The real issue here is not that there was not enough discussion - he did not discuss this with her, he told her. She was informed what would be happening.

That is frankly terrifying to me. Handing over your home and security to someone who has so little respect for you that they simply give you orders and expect you to take it. Thats a prison sentence.

I would be gone.

Spot on, in every way

Me too.

There is a reason some women end up in abusive shit shows, and often it is hesitation like this.

Not listening to their gut, feeling uneasy, but still going ahead.

He thinks she won't have the guts nor intelligence nor self preservation to back out.

He is a prick, you just never saw it.

Agree.

An adult male no less. I personally would feel viscerally uneasy and even physically unsafe in my own home with two adult males that could gang up against me.

I would never accept that arrangement as a lone female. My house is my refuge.

Better for OP to live separately and then with her dd down the road.

Pull Out Now.

How many bedrooms does the new place have?

He can put down house rules. What opinion of her kids do you have. They’re currently at uni, should they be told nope you can’t come back. You’re old enough to vote so I suggest use that wisely and get yourself married.

Wow, with that wild imagination I don’t think any man should be alone with you either,
god knows what they’d be accused of

Wrong post quoted.

I hope you have pulled out of the exchange. He intending to move in his son with you both is a step too far. And he is messy with it and smokes weed. No on all counts here.

no it wouldn't. Its not the OP's son nor a child.

That is awful. Of course your DP should have discussed with you before any decision was made.

This

How long have you been together ?

uou don’t have to live together and if his son is going to live with dad they can stay in own current property

@godmum56 so the partner can say no to the OP's DD staying in the house when not at uni.

It’s his son. But also it’s your life. Pull out now.

So he can block her child moving in also. They’re at uni at the point of moving in together. They’re also an adult and not the boyfriend’s child.

How long have you been together?

This is a red flag. I'd be pulling out.

TBH you should have discussed this before committing to buying a house with him. With two DC who are technically adults but not yet independent, this was always going to be a possibility and one you should both have considered.

What if you agree to this and your DC then decided they want to move after uni? Will you have enough space? Will the two DC get on? Etc etc

Your DP is showing you he doesn’t regard you as an equal AND allowing his son to disrespect his mother - to leave rather than shape up. This is a big red flag for your future happiness

You are projecting here based on your own experiences when you were 10 and a child whose parents were obliged to house you and care for you. That your father was too feeble to do so was on him. You were not a disrespectful slovenly 19 year old earning a living and expecting free reign to live like a pig in his parent's house. Big difference.

I think you're in the minority here...

Sorry op but this is crap for you. I get he wants his son living with him but why did it not happen before this? I can tell you now your dynamic will change so much if he’s messy at home do you really think you’re getting a new version of him. It’s hard enough living with your own adult dc your dp should have asked first off then rent should be discussed and boundaries for him and his gf. I feel for you knowing dp never respected you enough to discuss this. I would hold off for now unless you really want to be with dp. But think of your future as a family of 3+1 possibly all the time.