DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

OP, if you are reading this please contact your solicitor and make sure you do not exchange on Monday. It is already 3pm so you don’t have long. You mayst NOT exchange on Monday. Your life will be a misery and you will be trapped.

if your child decided to live back home, would you expect your partner to accept it? He had it put on him by his son, what was he meant to say. I’ll get back to you when this probably something he always promised when living on his own. The only discussion I’d be prepared to have would be can you accept it or not. If not then keep things as they are and think if you’re up to being in a relationship with someone who has kids, my neighbour has had his 30 yo son turn up at his doorstep heartbroken because his wife said she wanted a split. They had to take him in then & there and that’s something that can happen to anyone who has children. He hasn’t sat on this info as a way to trap you. He’s literally been told himself.

Are there 3 beds so a room each for both sons ?

yes he should have said something

why did he never wants to live with dad in current place - was there room ?
Or now a bigger house an wants in

did you ever discuss both kids living with you both ever as they are both still young

I don't see how there's any coming back from this.

Even if you delay exchange by a day and hash out ground rules for both your adult children, and DP, tbh what will you do if they don't stick to them which I think is likely, as clearly they didn't even think this was worth discussing with you.

Do you want to come home to a massive row about the mess that's been left by him? The smells, the gf making herself at home, your stuff being borrowed, arguments about the rent charged being too much? A sulky teen disregarding what you say because his dad has told him you're just in a mood and to wait til you've calmed down. Who needs that shit. I really hope that you can just pull out and put the whole sorry mess behind you.

I would expect him to say to the son "I need to ask my partner, its not just my house" I don't think anyone has called it a trap, but there is an assumption here that is not acceptable. I am assuming that in the case you mention, the child was the child of both parents?

This move has been prompted by his son leaving his mums as he was messy and his mum had enough!

Id be concerned too @maximusss. He sounds difficult to live with and your DP is announcing this with no discussion at all.

When he rings you back, start by asking him why he announced this with no discussion- why does he think he can do this, and that this set up will work well? What about house rules, who’s going to pay for what, etc.

I understand that he feels that he needs to give his son a home, but this isn’t the way to go about it.

Have you spoken to DP , @maximusss?

I'd say the mother is sick and tired of the son and girlfriend slobbing about the house smoking weed. Is this what you want in your new house? No way in hell would I be still going ahead with the house buying.

I would worry if there hadn't been sufficient discussion about this possibility from either DC before getting to close to exchange, what other discussions haven't there been. If OP's DD is in uni, does the partner moving in impact her student finance (if she gets any). Will either parent be helping their DC with a deposit for property, wills and DCs' inheritance etc

Slightly more discussion ? A lot of discussion should take place.
It changes the dynamic of your daily living.
The fact there was none and how it was mentioned means I suspect that your other half and his son may have had this in mind for some time.
I would not move in. At all.
What rights would he obtain by living there if he did for a long period of time ?
Do you have joint ownership.
I just would not go there.

One thing I'd like to know is if the son moves in, how much of an "upgrade" will that be over his current living arrangements?

You haven't exchanged yet luckily so you still have options as no deposit will be lost if you pull out. I'd tell your solicitor that you need to delay exchange for a week to give you time to think.

It's not just a teenager who would be moving in full time (and probably his girlfriend). It's one who is difficult to live with and pays no attention to his own mother's house rules. Does he assume you'd be a pushover in comparison and willing to act as the house slave for himself and his father?

It's nonsense suggesting a talk with him and outlining expectations is all it would take. How did that go for his mother? No doubt he'd promise to reform but it would last less than a week.

It's a horrible thing to happen when you must have been looking forward to a new house.

It’s his son and he’s only 19. Yes he should have discussed it with you but it would be unreasonable to say no

Totally disagree. I wouldn't buy a house with a partner AND his deadbeat 19 year old. Pull out of the purchase

Tell DP you've decided your mother is moving in too. Or any friend/relative of yours that he doesn't really like. I don't understand how he can think it's OK to drop this on you. Presumably you were expecting to stay with the current 1 day a week?

So @maximusss , did he ring you back? What happened?

What is the world where a 19 year old just TELLS their parent what's going to happen and the parent's only option is to agree? It's ShitDadsVille, isn't it?

@Delphiniumandlupins you can't always expect that though. The DP is a parent, just like OP. I would still assume at 19yo they would see either of their parent's house as home. OP has a DD (and an ex). I assume DD sees both parents' houses as her home, as she says she splits her time between both if not at uni or travelling. Why assume the mum always has to be the default home provider. Things can change.

There should have been more discussion and more thought about this when looking at moving in together and buying a house together.

Yes they’re both his parents, but even if they weren’t it doesn’t mean the parent is any less a parent because they have a partner.

the woman has a child the same age at uni, whom I suspect will at some point be looking at moving home even if they’re planning on travelling in the summer. Would that be assumed they’d be moving in with her. How would Mumsnet react if this situation was him kicking off because her child was moving back from uni, it’s unlikely they’ll be in a position to rent or buy something when uni ends. The husband has mentioned his son will have x bedroom, not the spare room so I think it’s safe to say they have the space, do you think she hasn’t earmarked a room for her own child to stay in? How much discussion has been had about that, or has it always been assumed her child will someday return. To ask permission to have your own child live with you just wouldn’t be option for me. I’d sit her down & say my son wants to live with me & I’ve said yes. I get this maybe a shock but I understand if you want to pull out the house and keep things as they are. If she was to do that, then I’d never move in with her. There would never be a situation where I’d allow my child less rights to my home than that of my partners kids. She’s already said he wouldn’t have a problem if the situation was reversed. Not saying she should love it but she should respect it & if she can’t then she has some big decisions to make & luckily it’s came at a time where she has more freedom to make it. If this has happened a year from now she’d be stuck.

Only 19? He can vote and get married so an adult, albeit a young one. He has somewhere to live: he is not homeless. He doesn't like his current situation because he wants to live like a pig in his mum's house even though he is old enough to know better. He thinks he will be able to live like a pig in his dad's new house and no one will mind.

His father, if he were half decent, would tell him that he is to start showing his mother and their home a bit of respect, that until there's no more noise about his messy habits and disrespectful ways he will consult his partner and together they will consider whether he can live with them and under what rules.

He also works and can move into a house share where I'm pretty sure it won't take long before the other residents are up his arse about his slovenliness. So one way or another he needs to sort himself out. If no one is prepared to house him, he has only himself to blame.

Honestly op: woman up.

You're about to buy a house, and another adult will be living in it, and you think you don't have a choice???

Absolutely. The conversation should start with explaining what DS has asked for and deciding together how to respond.

I mean. Do not buy this house the resentment will be off the scale in a year’s time. His son is an adult and you are not his mum. No way should a unilateral decision have been made here. Also: having the son there will hugely change the dynamics between the two of you. You will end up pissed off at the usual young person careless/thoughtlessness and little things will grate over time. Ask me how I know…

In this situation, I'd back out of the house purchase.

He dropped that on you with no discussion as a done deal. That shows a huge lack of respect for you as co-owner.

He waited to spring this on you until you're almost locked in. But you're not.

His 19 year old comes with some big negatives that I wouldn't be able to overlook. Bringing illegal drugs into my home would be an absolute no. Bringing his gf in every day and possibly overnight stays, another absolute no. His mom is moaning at him, about what? Does he not pull his weight around the house along with drugs and another person constantly there?

Will there be any room for your kids if they would like to visit and stay for a day or two?

You're going to be "those" neighbors, the ones whose kid is smoking drugs out back and treating your neighbors to the smell. 🙄

I’d be outraged if I was in your shoes. You like his son but you also don’t see him often - you don’t live with him - that will change everything particularly if he’s moving out because his mum is fed up with him and he can’t be tidy - he’ll just transfer that to the new house.
must of all i would be seeing my DP in a new light - that he dropped it into the conversation but not even as a discussion because he thinks you’ll roll over and accept it.
You should pull out immediately.