DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

He probably knows why you're trying to contact him, he's not going to respond because he hopes you will let the solicitor carry on and exchange on Monday.
Then you'll be completely trapped.
You have to contact the solicitor op and say you don't want to exchange on Monday.

Please please don't be a wet blanket about this OP. Stall exchange for a week or two weeks to give yourself more time at the very least.

If you exchange on Monday you will have a whole heap more to deal with than you can ever imagine.

The stress you feel now will be miniscule in comparison.

I agree with all the other voices saying don't buy this house together.

The disrespect is such a dealbreaker. Your DP has 'shown you who he is' and that is someone that thinks it's fine to tell you rather than discuss a major life event.

He's also someone who has never told his son to pull his socks up and respect his own mother, and will not think twice about letting him continue with his messy, druggy, lifestyle plus ever-present girlfriend in your new home.

Walk away.

If someone is putting you in any situation where they have time to think and you don't, you have to insist on the time to think.

Love this @Gribouille !!

Agree, I think I might make a poster/cross-stitch of this mantra.

ABSOLUTELY THIS.

he told you pretty much straight away then. I’m going to get a lot of hate but if this was my son wishing to live with me I would discuss it with you but it I wouldn’t be looking for permission. My children will have a roof over their heads as long as I have one over mine. He only just found out himself and he’s told you. You can discuss house rules and worries but if you don’t want to live with his son then there are 2 options. Pull out the sale and live apart or split up. This would be the only negotiation someone would be having with me

I can't wait to see what reasonable explanation your partner comes up with to persuade you its a good idea to still go ahead..

I want to add my voice to the others begging you not to allow yourself to be morally blackmailed into exchanging contracts on Monday.

I can't see how starting like this will result in anything but a future breakup when you realise just what your role is in the household of an entitled father who puts you last, a messy drug-user manchild and almost certainly his girlfriend.

Please please don't.

Apologies if this has already been mentioned. Will you be using a mortgage? Most lenders need to know if anyone over the age of 18 or sometimes 17. They will need your DPs sons signature to confirm he wont claim tenancy or something.

This would have been at the start of your application. Ask your solicitor as this might be a route for you to approach your DP on how you feel from a legal perspective

The son has just moved in with his father and suddenly you are presented with the notion that he will be a permanent part of your new, joint household. Seems to me that this was planned all along by the son. Why did need to move out from his mother and in with his father?

Sit your partner down and tell him that the situation needs to be discussed and you want an explanation as to why this was dumped on you at such a late stage.
Up to you what you decide to do, but if he takes you for granted now........

It is a decision you make on your own as a parent. He can discuss the decisions she can now make as a couple & she has every right to say no it’s not for me. He has only just found out his son’s wishes. Would you ask for permission if it was your child? But in truth 19yo’s still need their parents. There’s a crisis of young people not being able to get any type of housing. But don’t get in a relationship if the idea of potentially living with their kids is something that horrifies you.

How many bedrooms does this new house have? If it doesn't have four decent size bedrooms, or the son has been offered the box room, then he has offered part of your half of the house to his son without even asking you. It's terribly disrespectful behaviour.

Yes!
Consider the length of time that this man has had to privately weigh this up and plan it all.
Working everything to his advantage whilst the op is under the illusion that they are in a partnership.

Your Partner has no respect for you, or your opinion. Do not give up your own house.

You must, must contact the solicitor and make sure they pause the exchange. It’ll all be so much harder once you’ve exchange.

Don’t wait to speak to your partner, he’s ignoring you to make sure you don’t have time to pause the exchange.

What was the formal agreement regarding your DC. This can't have passed by without conversation.

Nevertheless I would not be exchanging on a house to.live with someone who can't get on with his mother

No doubt the mother will be painted as unreasonably batshit. I fully expect she's had enough and has spent years trying to get the son to be more respectful of her and her home. He's had a " Shape up or ship out " ultimatum and has chosen to inflict himself on Daddy and OP instead.

If it was me I'd pull out of the move, I think that just assuming you'll say it's fine and not discussing such an important life change is very selfish on his part & a massive red flag on who he is. What else might he do in future if he already thinks you're a pushover ?
Also the son wanting to smoke weed in the back garden is a definite no thank you it bloody stinks and in the Winter time he'll probably want to do it in the house from the bedroom window & your house will eventually stink of it too his bedroom will definitely honk of it.
You already know he's messy which will be why his mum moans, because he's a 19 year old slob. To me messy = lazy, so more there will be work for you, why should you take him on when he was never part of the deal full time ?
I would pull out rather say no, because they may try and work on you & wear you down later on once you're moved in and it's too late.

My dh's nearly 22 year old son lives with us and it drives me mad.

I think if you put your foot down to him and say no, then in reality you can't expect your DC to move in when are home from uni.

All in all you are best off not buying the house together. That may spell the end of your relationship but your hut tells you don't want to live with his messy weed smoking adult child.

I wish I had listened to my gut!!!!

Maybe it’s me being dramatic,
Who has been telling you are 'dramatic' for expecting basic boundaries to be respected?

it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.
This unease is the battered remnants of your self-respect and belief in healthy boundaries screaming at you. Pay attention to yourself. NOT to anything he says.

He only "found out" this week? If my adult child announced they were moving in with me, my answer would be 'are you indeed'. A conversation would absolutely be required and if it came down to the other parent is fed up of his disrespect, then I would be saying go sort this out with your mum because that behaviour wouldn't be okay at my house either.

Where do they live when they’re not at uni?

@maximusss

PUSH THE EXCHANGE.

There are about 10 pages of messages saying the same thing.
Push it out.

Separately you couldn't pay me to live woth your description if his son.
I wpuld be staying in my own home

big fat "whoa" from me. Requires discussion and agreement and should not be raised as and "oh by the way" What else is he going to casually drop into the conversation??