DP’s son moving in

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I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

This every time

You both have offspring that aren’t fully launched yet. It’s a bit odd that you were moving into a new home without planned bedrooms for all of them to begin with.

that said, there also should have been discussions around expectations for offspring in residence. What kind of work and education requirements will they be expected to meet? How will their presence impact your household budgeting?

It’s definitely the lack of communication that is a giant red flag.

Pull out of the house purchase

I am far too risk averse to go ahead with this plan to buy together.

It has disaster written all over it OP. The fact he unilaterally decided his son would move in is a massive red flag.

As hard and as crushing as it will be, I would pull out of this purchase if he is determined to have his dc live with you.

The idea of an "agreement" is okay in itself, but reminds me of parent/school "contracts" where some will agree anything to get their way and simply ignore it once whatever-it-is has been secured

Personally I'd rather go on what's already been demonstrated than hope some airy fairy agreement would be stuck to, but of course we're all different

You both have offspring that aren’t fully launched yet. It’s a bit odd that you were moving into a new home without planned bedrooms for all of them to begin with

I agree with this too. As the mother of a DD20 who is away at university, I would definitely be considering her in such a move, and would expect my OH to do the same with his own DC. It is odd this conversation hasn't been had in any way - given you both have young adult DC.

So he expects you to not flinch about a completely different future?
Imo he knew full well this was the plan.

I would be feeling ambushed and railroaded.
No discussion about finances, girlfriend, weed, messy, mum doesn't want him. It would be a hard no from me. You have a good set up living independently and the freedom to see each other as you please.
Liking the son 1 day a week is an entirely different thing to full time, it has disaster written all over it. It is a 3rd adult in the house, your vote will count for nothing against father and son. What about privacy, cuddling up on sofa, free to swing off the chandelier or indeed his girlfriend sleeping over.
Don't commit you can always buy together later down the line, it's not a no forever.
How long have you been with partner?

OP, pls don't feel sick. You did not engineer this. Your DP did and backed you into a corner.

You need to channel your equal legal rights here. It is your half of the money and your half of the property when it is purchased.

I agree with posters who said your DP is stupid for raising this before exchange. Even if he raised it after, you are one half of the title deeds and have to agree to anyone living under the same roof.

So he cannot answer the phone. Due to the urgency of completion on Monday, I would send a follow up text to say you would like to put the exchange on hold and if you do not hear from him by x time, you will instruct the solicitors accordingly.

End of. Good luck.

You've nailed it.

The son already has somewhere to live. He only wants to move in with OP and her DP because he can't be arsed to tidy up after himself.

I agree with this.

Anyone living with a partner who has kids living elsewhere needs to be realistic about the prospect of that changing at some point.

I am really hoping this is a wind up. I just struggle to believe anyone could be so blatantly taken advantage of and actually think she was the potentially unreasonable one!

If is real it is absolutely awful. OP has been inveigled into a huge financial investment & practical & emotional commitment on false pretences, by a man who has no respect for her and assumes he can trample all over her. Her relationship with her daughter will likely be damaged and she will almost certainly have a ghastly time living with this disrespectful man and his inconsiderate stoner son, then lose money & go through a very distressing time when the house has to be sold when she finally finds the strength to stand up to this man.

Sometimes (too often) you read about men in the papers, men who have really taken advantage of women financially, really really nasty men, & there is enough here to make me think it is at least possible this man may be one of them. (Put it this way: I would not want my mother or sister alone in a house with a man who treated her like this, and his adult son.)

Or else he’s just a disrespectful moron who thinks he can trample over his lady, who knows?

DO NOT EXCHANGE, OP. The problem is not that he wants to live with his son: it’s that he clearly does not have ANY respect for you or your right to choose.

Also, have you made any other financial commitments or arrangements that involve this man?

I wouldn't be cohabiting in this situation.

Don't give up your own house

I would pull out now!! It was so disrespectful to just inform you! You will end up with all his mess, the girlfriend permanently there and potentially future neighbours that will complain about the smell of weed!

I agree with (almost) everyone else, you've been stitched up by your 'D'P and his son. I think they both talked about it as soon as you and P decided to buy a house together and he's decided to announce it at the last moment to stop you backing out.

You need to find your anger and use it to ring the solicitor now to put a stop on the sale.

If you don't you'll be back on here in 6 months times moaning about your DSS and you will deservedly have your arse handed to you.

Have you exchanged/completed on the sales of your respective houses if you are selling them?

I find it utterly strange that neither of you talked about either of your children coming to stay more longterm. If you are buying a home surely anyone sensible would have had this chat? Quite frankly it would also irk me that he told you this was happening without any type of discussion. That isn't really conducive to having a harmonious household.

I would want to talk asap because if his mum couldn't want to live with him why do you think you would be able to? I wouldn't allow weed smoking in my house or the garden. Quite frankly the smell stinks and it is unfair on the neighbours. I also wouldn't want his girlfriend there all the time and would want strict boundaries in place re giving keep and cleaning and tidying.

I would contact them and pause the exchange.

I hope you will find the strength to pull out of this arrangement OP, this situation will be untenable for you before too long. The total disrespect from both father and son is staggering! Like DP's ex, they'll be expecting you to be the maid of all work.

Not a chance would I be continuing this house purchase with all this to look forward to. Better off staying where you are and thanking your lucky stars that this blew up before the house purchase was actually made. It will be horrible pulling out but nothing like as horrible if you don't...

You have to pull out.

This will make your life a misery, and you will be trapped. If your own children ever need to live with you, would you want them living with a non-contributing messy weed smoking stranger, one whose own mother can't even stand living with him?

Even if it did all magically work out unlikely, I'm willing to bet any money that you would have discussed things with him first re: moving people in to your shared house.

The fact he didn't speaks volumes. Your opinion doesn't matter. Your feelings don't matter. The lack of basic respect is breath taking.

This and do not exchange this is not going to work. No discussion means your opinion is not of value to him - he is going to decide.

Yes, that's a big thing and it should have been discussed. I think he knows that, which is why he just wen t ahead and did it. You should raise it and say big decisions should be shared.

How big is the house? Three plus bedrooms, to accommodate both children possibly moving back in?

Coming up with his son moving in without discussion seems to me to be thoughtless at best. The fact that no discussion of expenses has happened suggests you will be expected to cover those, which is an imposition. I doubt DS will become tidier and more considerate, as he seems to be moving out of his mum’s to avoid doing that. DS just announcing it sounds v entitled - which he may be to his Dad’s house, but not to yours!

Also the pressure it puts on you, after testing your compatibility as a couple, to casually add in another person in at the last minute, is horrendous.

Don’t exchange on Monday unless you have reached agreement on both his DC and your DC possibly moving back in, and the house rules if they do. You can still back out or just delay.

Unless he’s a brain surgeon or similar, you need to speak to him urgently work or no work. Tell him that you are pulling out of the house purchase as you don’t want to live with his son full time. His son is messy, disrespectful, smokes weed and has a girlfriend around all the time. I wouldn’t want to live with him either!

You need to contact the solicitor before they close for the weekend as it would be horrible of you to leave it until Monday.

This.

Hell would have to freeze over first before anyone smoked weed in my house or garden.