DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

You have to put the brakes on here op.
When you do your partner will blame you but you have to put the blame right back where it belongs. Don't miss a beat, fire straight back with both barrels, tell him it's his fault, he has deliberately misled you and you no longer trust him.

That is a bit much at 19 tbh.

Stall the solicitors, don’t let them exchange contracts until you’ve sorted this out

The DP is not even very bright. If he were, he would have waited until after exchange. Your deserve better, OP.

You are not his partner, just half the mortgage payment
@oscalo has nailed it.
Until this point he has been laying the groundwork, getting his ducks in a row and now he has you backed into a corner.
He thinks that you now have no choice but to finance and facilitate whatever is easiest and most convenient for him.

If you let this go ahead, only to find out that living with your partner, his messy, weed-smoking son and his girlfriend makes you very unhappy, what on earth will you do then? Your money will be tied up in the house, so getting out of the situation won't be quick or straightforward.

Absolutely this. I really hope you will decide to put the brakes on, OP.

Oh dear...at first I thought this could be worked out with a discussion but with this, you need to PULL OUT OFVTHE SALE!. are you ready to live with someone like this full time?. It will be you, your OH, his weed smoking messy son and his girlfriend in the house!. Too much to deal with!

Why on earth when he dropped this on you, did you not have a full and frank discussion there and then. If you have to tip toe around your other half like this you are setting yourself up to be a total doormat.

Have you actually both sold your own properties to fund this purchase, and are those completion dates imminent as well, or have you both given notice on separate rentals. Yo really ought to heed the advise given by literally everybody, you can postpone exchange for another week. The inconvenience to your agents / sellers should not be affecting your decision

He might have thought that she could refuse at that point but by dropping it in her at the 11th hour he can claim her willingness to proceed with the purchase as consent. It's really manipulative, he's coercing her; relying on the OP's worry about collapsing the chain to get what he wants.

On the contrary, it's so late that he probably counted on OP going along feeling she had no choice and once the house is bought and the son installed, any time in the future OP complains it'll be "but you agreed before we bought the house".

In effect, he's getting OP to give tacit agreement to the house being bought as a package including the son.

You realise you will be the default cleaner don't you?

Cross-post with@FOJN.

Blimey. Yes, absolutely fine that he wants to allow his son to live with him. Absolutely not okay at all to just drop in conversation that it’s happening without any kind of discussion on the matter. Is he controlling in any other ways?
I’d expect the conversation to be more along the lines of:
-I hope you don’t mind but…
-what should we charge him in rent?
-what house rules regarding cleaning, GF staying etc are you happy with?

Yes, you're quite right. And that makes DP even worse.
Hopefully MN responses will help OP to not go ahead.

What are the reasons you are buying together? Would it have changed that decision if you knew his son wanted to move in? If it were me I would cancel the move and see what DP and his son living together was like and whether the two of you retreat to your place to get some privacy.

@maximusss it's better if you message him with a heads up of what you wish to speak about, because in the moment the danger is he will run over you rough shod like he already has. I would text something along the lines of 'your son cannot move into our joint home without discussion, and the fact you'd spring this on me is making me rethink buying a house with you. I've been thinking this whole thing isn't a good idea for us.'

Not sure it’s about the son living with her, it’s more than the partner is completely disrespectful to agree to this without discussing with his GF.
I would postpone exchange to give you time to discuss, if he won’t discuss it then pull out. Level of presumption/ entitlement of BF.
you need to protect your Financial interest. Legal agreement needs to be drawn up, why should she pay half whereas the boyfriend needs to be paying 2/3 of the bills. She has no marriage to protect her.

@maximusss don't do this!. You will be miserable in your own own home!.don't let him railroad you into this!. Seems like you are not able to stand up to him since you made no objection when he told you.

I come from a culture where grown kids live at the family home for as long as they want but they are very respectful(no weed), contribute towards the household, do lots of chores and are responsible.

100% pull out

Its not about his son moving in its about the complete disregard to a conversation, what else will he just do without any conversation?

Massive red flag

Not to mention
The extra mess
Extra bills
Food
Who is paying for that?

Are you splitting it 3 ways

I think it's quite possible OP's partner didn't know about this in advance, and it was landed on him, but his reaction tells a story. He seems to have decided that because the house purchase was a done deal then he was comfortably past the point where the OP would need to be involved in the decision making. That bodes ill for the future.

Oh God
Pull out now
You will be maid to these 2 men

If you absolutely have to do this, get a written contract of expected behaviour. If there's only one bathroom, DO NOT DO THIS. If mum has had enough ( mums don't usually give up without extreme provocation) , proceed with caution.

Yes, but as I said, linking his contributions to mortgage costs is inadvisable.

OP you don't just delay the exchange, you pull out of the purchase. 'D'P can promise all sorts now to get you to agree and then go back on it all after you've bought the house. And frankly, given the shit move he's just pulled that is actually what I would expect to happen.

'But it's his son' is not a good enough reason to feel you can't say no. You would be turning your life upside down and it would become hell. You know exactly what 'his mum moans' means - he's a shit to live with and won't change so she's had enough. You don't have to live with his shit. You have your own calm house and space so keep it.

And I'm another one suspicious of the timing of this, I also think this has been bubbling away between DP and son for a while and you've only been told at the time DP thinks you're too committed to the move to say no.