DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Yup. She's going to buy that house with that shit man. Meanwhile, those of us who have been there and got the shitty tshirt to show for it recognise how her life with him )and his weed-smoking son and his girlfriend on top) will turn out.

What kind of person springs this sort of thing at the eleventh hour before a joint property purchase as if it is a done deal? Not one I would want to tie myself to. But you have to live and learn, I guess.

Crappy fathers always try and rope in another woman to do the work they don't want to.

You said ‘Tell the son that of he wants to move in to your house he's responsible for a third of the mortgage payments and bills.’

You need to be careful if linking rent/keep etc. to mortgage costs. Someone ‘paying a third of the mortgage payments and bills’ might contend they have an interest in the house. Rent or keep, by all means but don’t link it to the mortgage costs.

I feel like he's conned you into being able to afford a property for himself and his son. You definitely should have been considered and had a conversation about it. I applaud you for saying it's his son, as many are cold towards step children however, this is also your home that you are contributing towards. Definitely put your foot down NOW, before you are trapped and it becomes a lot harder.

I’m sorry but I’d pull out OP. Your DP clearly waited until the last possible moment to tell you to try and ensure you can’t do anything about it. It’s manipulative and duplicitous. I’d pull out and stay in my own home in comfort rather than risk this living arrangement.

You have actually never lived with your DP (staying over, even for extended periods of time is not the same) and he’s expecting you to go from living apart to living with him and his adult son who has challenging behaviours to such an extent his own mother has had enough of him? Absolutely not.

Phone the solicitors first to put a pause on any paperwork going through for the exchange. It will make you sound serious op, don't let him manipulate you.

You have my sympathy. I’d find it really hard and really stressful but it sounds like, like me, you have been through a divorce or breakup and so you know how important it is not to sleepwalk or end up in these situations out of conflict avoidance. I’m terrible at putting this into practice myself and I think he won’t react well but there is just too much at stake.

The problem that the op has now is that her lack of reaction when he sprung this on her makes it even harder for her to react against it now.
Please gird your loins @maximusss and stand up to him, tell him that you have thought it over and you cannot proceed because he has moved the goal posts.

This. I would be pulling out, sorry.

That's not really the OP's problem. She can simply say that she was so absolutely shocked by his appalling behaviour that she was lost for words. That obviously she has paused the exchange and that a serious conversation needs to happen to see if there is any way of retrieving the situation. That should put the shoe back on the other foot.

Nope. Keep your own separate houses until DC have properly launched. I wouldn’t want a pot-smoking, mess-making flatmate who pays no rent/bills and has his girlfriend round all the time either, OP!

2 major issues
Lack of any discussion re his son moving in, and no discussion about financial contribution from son
His mum moans at him a lot. So he is a bad housemate

When he is messy at YOUR house, who is going to moan at him? His dad or you?

Well it's a spanner in the works. I would set a reasonable amount of board for starters. However thinking long term, your child finishes uni, says mum I'm coming back to live with you. Would you say- hang on, I will just ask dp? I doubt it. Feel for you, as this wasn't part of the bargain

Don't exchange.
You have the right to live in a drug-free home.
At the very very very least, you need to tell your partner why the lack of prior discussion is an issue for you.
Also will his DC already being in residence put your DCs off and mean they have no safe space if they need it after uni? It all needs careful discussion and planning.
You're entitled to have house rules which his son needs to abide by as a condition of moving in. If he's not prepared to abode by them then it'll be your life made difficult.
In your position I'd keep my own house until all kids are away and settled.
Remember this is your life and you have to stick up for yourself. There's no reason to feel bad about doing this in response to this new situation that's been flung on you.

This man has been playing nice and keeping you sweet, waiting until you're committed and he has more leverage.
Now you are seeing who he really is, he expects to be able to call the shots and you have to meekly obey him.

No to messy, no to girlfriend and definitely no to weed. It stinks and your house will have it wafting around, especially if he keeps weed in his room. Mum is right to have had enough. I would never take this on.

Just want to add OP, I know it’s a faff and money will be lost, you’ll piss off the onward chain

but you can say no. You can refuse to buy a house. You can say that DS moving in changes things because you believed you were in a different life stage (kids moving out and on with life not back in!) and that you believed going forward it would be your pair as a couple with kids visiting not moving in (with limited prospects)

you can tell him the lack of discussion about your SHARED home is a massive cause for concern because DP doesn’t just have himself to think about and it’s YOUR home too.

would DSS and his weed smoking potentially impact your career?

im currently applying for a job where random drugs tests are mandatory so for me anyone doing any drugs in my home would be too big a risk for me to take with regards to my potential employment.

remember you can pull out, say no.

I would feel absolutely terrible for the house sellers, but I would pull out of the sale unless your partner agreed his son wouldn't move in.

It's hardly a recommendation that his mum wants him to leave because he's messy. It's also hard to think of his son living there with his girlfriend, rent-free, accompanied by the smell of weed.

You need to make an instant decision, OP. I couldn't forgive my partner for this. If the sale ended because of this I'd dump him immediately.

Are you selling your own place or are you renting?

This is it. If your kids have left home and you have a lovely home all to yourself, I think it’s madness that you would invite these problems into your life.

If you go ahead and it's looking likely, those two men will rule your life as long as you are in that house. It's obvious they will gang together against you if necessary.

The underhand thoughtless way your DP just decided this was happening is unreal. You are not his partner, just half the mortgage payment.

Slippery slope here. Think hard.

If you do decide to go ahead, make clear that the son has house rules and pays some keep. If he was messy at mum's he will be messy at dad's too so get an agreement before he moved in.

Yes especially as you will now be living with two adult men, sorry but this would be a huge issue if not discussed and agreed prior. Speak to your partner now

If his own mother has had enough of him, then don’t say you didn’t see the big red flag waving in your face. Don’t say you had no choice and were fooled into this. You know NOW, before the exchange happens. So how this pans out is entirely in your control here.

How many bedrooms does this new house have, OP? I’m assuming 3, right? One for you and DP, one for the son and one for your daughter? Because if I were your daughter, I’m not be impressed if there was no room for me at the inn because the son and his GF had the room. You risk her not wanting to stay or visit, or at the very least feeling unwanted.

I meant a third of what the mortgage costs, not adding him to the mortgage or anything.