DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Thinking about it, if the OP is going to postpone or cancel the exchange of contracts, given the short notice, it would be prudent to send an email to the solicitor rather than simply making a phone call.

Telephone instructions can be disputed if anything go wrong; a paper trail is essential.

Not discussing it with you is unacceptable. Having his DS with you all the time really changes the dynamics and would you have gone ahead with a house purchase if this was the case?

I agree. Two red flags.

…and to stereotype, weed smokers aren’t often the best housemate either.

3rd red flag - mum moaned at him. Do we know what about? Although I think we san guess.

Yes!

I’m not sure I’d want my independent, Uni, daughter to bond with my partner’s slobby weed smoking son…..

You have some good points regarding the state of the partner's house though.

There already ARE problems!

He's presented the OP with a fait accompli.

No discussion, no plans.

It would be the end for me anyway

Your house will smell of weed and be a mess, too.

This.
Your “DP” has been very underhand with this. Is he always so manipulative?
Huge red flag there, never mind the messy, pot-smoking teen who the Mum’s had enough of!
Honestly if you don’t pull out I suspect you’re walking into a very unpleasant situation.

Oh, heavens, not a three way mortgage where the OP has the minor share.

Yes, it's an abusive relationship, isn't it, and OP's already normalised other coercive behaviour.

This would have me pulling out. If he pushed it I’d reconsider the relationship.

His son’s mum moans at him because he’s messy, so he’s decided to move in with you. You won’t be able to moan at him but you can guarantee he will still be messy!

You thought you were moving in with your romantic partner but now it looks like you will pretty much be living with another couple.

It’s been announced as a done deal. Hard to say no now without being the bad guy and the house falling through. ENORMOUS red flag.

His son will be smoking weed in the garden of your new house, all your neighbours will probably slag you off (I know for a fact all of my neighbours would hate you for that. They won’t care who was smoking - they will group you together!).

No thanks.

I can’t get over the fact that you didn’t go nuclear when he TOLD you it would be happening!
He is completely unreasonable - please don’t be so passive. This is setting yourself up for a lifetime of giving in to his unreasonable demands.

I don’t think this thread is genuine
No one would allow themselves to be treated like this

I confess I'd wondered myself, though even those often raise discussion points which can be useful to others, but can't agree that no one would let anyone treat them this way

Unfortunately there seem all too many who'll do exactly that

What a piece of work this man is, he's deliberately waited until she has committed herself and can't pull out of the deal.
And this is his opening move in your shared life together.
I would be telling him that I am no longer on board with this shared purchase.

This is tricky. I think for many of us, our kids will have a home with us as long as we have capacity to offer it. It’s a given. So in that sense I can see your DPs perspective. But to casually mention it is very off. S/he should have discussed it with you. Ideally a long time ago, before this eventuality ever even occurred (what would your feeling be about my DC needing/wanting to move in, this is my feeling on it…). The lack of communication is something that would upset me too.

Some people here are forgetting there's a big difference between want and need. The son doesn't need rehousing because he can't afford his rent or because he needs to be closer to work, he wants to move in so he can have it all his own way, smoke weed, live like a slob and pay nothing for his keep. If his DF lets him move in he's teaching him a very poor lesson for life, don't pay your way, don't try and be reasonable, don't respect others, just do as you like

Do not exchange on the new house. You will regret it and be stuck living with a 19 year old you not related to who smokes weed ( he will smoke it indoors if it is cold or wet outside no matter what you say) and has a girlfriend who will be in your house every day. He is also messy.

These are the reasons his mum moans at him.

Stay in your own home.

And there’s the girlfriend too.
Personally I’d be flatly refusing to proceed, red flags galore OP.

Of course not but I'm saying he should be responsible for costs. Unless he thinks he can move in, carry on making a mess and pay fuck all.

This is a huge red flag.

Is that how your relationship generally works? He does not discuss with you and says what goes and you stay quiet?

I'd say that part of the reason for her lack of reaction is that he has blindsided her.
It's an ambush, a surprise attack, it leaves you reeling because you can't process it.
The person that you have trusted and have committed yourself to has behaved in a way which is completely at odds with what you believe about them.
You are somewhat in shock, your unconscious takes over, you freeze.

Op the son doesn't need to move in, he already has somewhere to live.

Ask yourself why he'd rather move house than start tidying up his mess?

Ok and now she’s had a moment to process it, she’s started this thread saying she knows she’s likely being unreasonable 🤷🏼‍♀️
Doesn’t seem like she feels able to stand up to his manipulation.

Not a chance, I'd have a lazy weed smoking slob moving in with me, especially not without a discussion about it.

If his own mother can't put up with him, why should you?

This man didn't want his son living with him previously. He wants him there when his partner is living with him because he knows that he will be able to make sure that she is the one who bears the brunt of his son's bad behavior.
He wants to be able to score points with his son, get the credit for making his life easier. Score points over his ex because he will now be the favoured parent who lets his son do as he wants.
And all of the cost for this will fall to @maximusss who has been duped, she will be the unpaid maid who cleans up after them.