DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

The dad shouldn't just assume he can inform the OP of the decision he's made without consultation. Lucky he did it before exchange.

I haven't read the whole thing yet, but this is a ridiculous ask. Aside from the disrespect in telling you and not asking you, it will be a whole new dynamic.

It was annoying enough 15 years ago when my partner invited his brother to come and stay with us over Xmas without asking me. Just told me once it was all arranged. And that was only 3 days!

Did you have plans for the spare room which the son will now be taking for his bedroom? What about cooking, cleaning for three instead of two? Bathroom space? His mates visiting? Girlfriends staying over? Are there enough parking spaces?

This happened with my neighbour last year - teenage son moved in with his dad and dad's partner. Absolutely infuriating for us, as suddenly his mates were all rocking up in their stupid souped up cars, girls coming in and out, he kept the worst hours, and of course the family then had too many cars, so would keep stealing our spaces. We would regularly come home to see one of his mates happily parked in our space so we had to keep knocking round. He's left again now, thank God

This NEEDS full agreement from you. You will never be able to enjoy your precious new house, your poor thing.

Sorry, I did say subsequently my post was a bit tongue in cheek but ideally those expectations should be OP’s DP’s expectations too and if not met it would be up to the son's father to address them. If they aren’t then if I were OP, I wouldn’t be moving in full time with her DP, let alone his son.

He absolutely should have discussed this with you. His son is an adult and this will also be your house

I'm sorry he has obviously dropped this on you last min so u cannot say no think why would he do that???? If I was you as auful as is I'd stick to current two houses and wait till kids older much better idea

This is worrying. His mum is almost certainly holding him to account for being inconsiderate or not pulling his weight around the house. You’ll soon find out why he gets moaned at.

How clean is your partner's home? Does he get a cleaner or clean up after himself? I ask because in my experience boys who think they don't need to clean up after themselves usually have learned that from example. In my own family the boys don't clean and my dad is a slob - he has had relationships end because he treats his partners as live in cleaners and I suspect my older brother does the same (though I think he pays for a cleaner these days). Having grown up with men who just leave plates where they land (my 12 year old nephew also now does the same) and never vacuum or put on a load of laundry I would never date a guy who can not clean - they could look like Brad Pitt and have the best personality in the world but I would still run a mile! The weed would also be a big no no! I just know too many boys who smoke weed and sit around the house all day with no motivation to live life!

Personally if it was me I would send them both an email to say "X tells me you might be moving in, that is lovely to hear, it will be great to get to know you more and for you and my child to bond. It is good to start on the right setting so that we all have a great living environment. One thing I do have to bring up is that X has mentioned that you sometimes smoke, it is a strictly non smoking house, that includes the back garden. In terms of house rules, they are quite simple and what you are probably used to in your mums. We will have a cleaning schedule for all of basic chores we do weekly (bathrooms, hoovering, dusting, kitchen etc) with the expectation that everyone will do their own dishes and clear up after themselves every day. In terms of bills the easiest thing to do as we are all working adults is to split them three ways and if my child moves back in we will split them in four. We can also set up a kitty that all adults contribute to equally for cleaning products and things that we all use like milk, tea and coffee! As we are obviously looking forward to enjoying our new house as a family we do ask that you don't have overnight guests more than one night a week without prior consultation."

I would put everything in writing in a friendly way that makes it clear that the girlfriend will not be moving in by stealth, no smoking anywhere and everyone should clean the house! I would also suggest to his partner that he charges a small amount of rent (perhaps £300) that he puts into a savings account each month for his son so that he is not spending his salary on weed and is building up a deposit to eventually get his own place. Key is whatever you put in place for his son you will also have to follow for your own child!

It could be real. I know of a few complete pushovers who would behave like this sadly.

Have you spoken with your solicitor yet @maximusss ?

I would just say No rather than pulling out of the move. Say it can be trialled by increasing time at yours to two days if you are happy with things and just communicate with your partner that he needs to communicate and discuss things with you first. There just seems to be a lack of communication all round .

That is not going to work. The 19 yr old will be through the door before the terms are read. Diplomacy is NOT an option

I would be mightily pissed off by that! It’s massive thing not to discuss.

OP, your opening line is 'I suspect I'm being unreasonable'. You've just had nearly 500 responses saying you are most certainly not being unreasonable.

Have a think about what that means.

Absolutely pull out of the purchase. This is appalling. It’s a totally different set up to what you had agreed.

@bigboykitty thing is if I was moving in with someone and I had a 19yo who hadn’t flown the parental nest (whether mine or their dad’s) I would be saying that the house must be available to them as home (with house rules, like no drugs) and would have to accept the same if they had similar aged DC too.

Or nearer to son's dealer, perhaps? How remiss of me. You seem to be missing the point though.

Like fuck would I complete on Monday. Your partner had shown you clearly that he doesn't respect you. What happens when a mate of his needs somewhere to stay and you come home to someone else in the house?

If you go through with this you'll be living with 2 extra adults and thier mess and weed smoke, eating your food, pushing your bills up.

Tell the son that of he wants to move in to your house he's responsible for a third of the mortgage payments and bills.

Isn't it convenient that he's fed up of his mother at the exact same time you're buying a house.

Unfortunately the OP's bloke didn't say that.

Actually, exactly this happened with my next door neighbours. Teenage son moved in. Sadly, that meant his mates, his girlfriend, and everything associated with a 19 year old boy also joined the mix. The noise from his friends' car stereos was maddening, and was at all times. Instead of texting him when a mate came to pick him up, they'd beep the horn for ages.

I really feel for op. This never ends well. Although I hope it does.

Its not an unreasonable expectation but equally a partner has the right to decide that's not a living arrangement that works for them which is why discussion is so important. Whatever your own expectations you cannot just tell someone you are moving another person into your shared house.

I think your DP should have been upfront that a condition of moving in together was that, if he ever wanted to, his son would be allowed to move in. Then you could have chosen to remain living apart if you weren't happy with this arrangement.

As a parent, my children will always be welcome to live with me whether that was as a teen or as a 46 year old going through a tough patch. I'd make this clear to anyone considering living with me though.

Out of interest, would you ever turn your child away? Say, if he dropped out of uni next year?

I’d pull out of this purchase.

You agreed to live with one man not too.

If his Mum “moans at him” about being messy, he isn’t someone you want to live with. Equally, you can’t really stop your DP wanting to house his son. I can imagine he’s really happy to be getting this time with his child.

Not discussing it with you is simply not on. Imagine what else he might decide to simply drop on you!

I agree his is how I would feel but it needs to be communicated not just dropped on people.

I would pull out of the purchase so screamingly fast. There's not a chance on earth I'd live with a druggy teenage lad who's messy. Not a chance.

It would be interesting to know what discussion was had about DC living arrangements when looking at houses as does look like OP would expect her DC to be able to live there (even if unlikely) so not sure why they didn’t expect the same could happen with partner’s DC