DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

I think you need to tell him that his son will be moaned at in your house too! He's clearly a pain in the arse and not taking responsibility for the stress and extra work he is causing his mother. Better to blame her and move in with Dad who will find it difficult to pull him up on stuff. And cue nervous breakdown from you who won't be allowed to address the issues directly with your stepson.

You will not just be living together, you will be living together with his 19 year old son.

And his son's girlfriend. And his weed habit.

You need to phone the solicitor and pause the exchange. No matter what happens and what you decide, you can't possibly exchange in less than one working day's time after this bombshell.

His 19 year old messy weed smoking son who sees his mum asking for common courtesy as moaning

He’s not really a child though is he? He’s over 18 so legally speaking he can house himself. I’d be seriously pissed of with DP for springing this on you less than 1 working day before.

Surely when you were looking this would have been mentioned? He'll be taking a bedroom, surely you say "ok we want 3 bedrooms, 1 for us, 1 for an office and a guest room for when relatives stay". At that point he'd say "well Jim is going to be living with us too so we need 4 bedrooms". This isn't a 5 year old who you would have discussed would be living in your home part or full-time before you bought the house, this is a whole other adult who will be living with you. It impacts on your privacy and how your home is used I mean you will end up with another adult living there half the week at somepoint once he has his gf staying over so your house you bought for 2 is no longer your lovely home but a doss house for a 19 year old and his gf(s)/mates.

I'd pull out, mainly because your partner/husband can't be trusted, he isn't asking can his adult son come to stay for a week, he's telling you this other adult will be moving in with you. Absolutely not even if it is his son, the discussion should have been had when you first started talking about buying.

Those who are saying this is made up and would never happen sound a bit naive/lacking in ability to think outside their own experiences tbh. A very similar scenario almost happened to me, and I'd wager it happens a lot, especially these days when people's adult DC can't afford to move out as soon as they might have in the past. Being told what is to happen instead of consulted/given the chance to discuss is an all-too-common phenomenon for stepparents too, unfortunately.

Please stop making things up. It's not helpful at all.

How many bedrooms are there and would a permanent bedroom for your DP’s son mean your kids/guests couldn’t stay?

Personally I would pull out of this purchase unless there’s some major backtracking and open discussion.

It’s made up because you made it up. OP has given no indication this was an expectation or that she hadn’t discussed it with her DP. You have no idea she has made an assumption her child could move back in on a permanent basis without discussion or agreement with her partner. Projecting a scenario onto the OP is just that.

OMG you’re crazy if you go through with this. This is no way for a relationship to be - he has no respect for you at all & this will not get any better.

Call the solicitor and pause the exchange!

@IdleThoughts surely both DC's needs would have been discussed before house purchase. neither of them have their own properties, neither of them have officially left home.

I would also be asking @maximusss, has son been moaning to his dad about his mum "nagging" and has the dad been colluding and saying 'don't worry son, you can live with me when I move' . Because that would also be curtains for me, quite aside from your partner's handling of this situation, which is abysmal.

If it happened to me, I would strongly suspect that they cooked this up between them a while ago.
After my DCs went to uni and now in their first job, Our house is still their base where extra sports and hobby kit is stored. They have had little extra storage in shared accommodation.
This is serious OP. Pull out of the sale and regroup.
You also need to ask solicitor about whether the son will have an interest in the property, I suspect he might if it becomes his permanent address.

The son has only ever stayed over one night a week and has never lived with his dad.

If son was seeing his dad once a week, there must have been a discussion where he was going to sleep when that happens?

I think phone the solicitor is the new cancel the cheque.

@maximusss PHONE THE SOLICITOR AND TELL THEM TO PAUSE THE EXCHANGE

You must do this before you speak to your partner. Just buy yourself some time to think.

This feels like an ambush OP - nothing in life, and particularly important sensitive decisions, should be rushed. Just tell your DP that you need time to talk things over, not with him initially but with a trusted friend/counselor/family member. Reflect, ponder and take heed of the very good advice given - through past experiences- on this thread ; if I were in your shoes I would not proceed with the exchange on Monday. If you do, every conversation with your DP will be tainted with doubt, suspicion and anticipatory dread when he tells you "guess what!", "good news @Nanny0gg !" and so on.

His son currently lives with his mum and stays at DPs once a week. However, he turned up at DPs earlier this week and announced he was moving in with him

It sounds like the son sprung it on DP too without any discussion. And now DP has sprung it on you without any discussion. It's not ok at all.
All of this should have been discussed before you got as far as you have with the house-buying process. Will adult children be allowed to move in? If so, for how long? Under what circumstances? How much will they be expected to contribute? What house rules will there be? And then you could have decided (as could he) whether that would be something you were prepared to accept or not. If you didn't want to live with his adult son under the circumstances you discussed (or indeed if your DP didn't want to live with yours) then you could have decided to continue living separately. You made a decision to buy a house together without being fully-informed of what that could actually involve.

I do wonder though, if DP has just sprung it on you with a week to go because he thinks that you won't pull out at this point, whereas if you'd discussed this properly you might well have decided to continue living separately. The son might well have "announced" he was moving in with this week or maybe plans were afoot beforehand.

And I do get why you are questioning if you are unreasonable because it's his son. Anything can happen to adult children and they may need to move back in with their parents and that could well apply to yours too after university. That's not unreasonable and adult children should be able to turn to their parents if they need support but there does need to be discussion, especially if there's a new partner involved.

I would pull out because I wouldn't be happy about DP taking away my right to have some kind of say in this.

Given that you both have children of a similar age (young adults), I am surprised this hasn't been discussed previously.

That you would both be happy for your DC to move in but you don't want his son to move in isn't a good look OP.

I don't know what advice to give. Did you really not consider that this may be a possibility? This type of thing is probably one reason I am going to stay single. My son will always be welcome in my home.

@bigboykitty but you shouldn't just assume the mum will always house the adult DC before they can fly the nest. Dad's house may be more convenient for a job, uni, more room if moving into new house etc

There is absolutely no way in the world I would allow a weed smoker to move into my house. And the lack of discussion would also be a deal breaker for me. Pull out, pull out, pull out!

When he calls you he will (undoubtably, from what you've written so far) talk you round and make promises he has no intention of keeping.

For your own sake, sanity, and ongoing relationship with your DD, please phone the solicitors while you're waiting to speak to your DP and instruct them not to exchange on Monday. Tell him what you've done and why.

There will be other houses - and if the worst comes to the worst, there will be other men eventually.

Better to face the music and deal with this now than further down the line when your life as you knew it is in tatters and you need to spend a small fortune on legal fees to extricate yourself from what appears to be the biggest mistake of your life.

It’s only the new cancel the cheque if the op did it pages ago.
op PHONE THE SOLICITOR NOW AND PAUSE THE EXCHANGE.

Absolutely no way. Moving out because he’s messy (there’s absolutely more to this but that’s bad enough), smokes weed, girlfriend around a lot and partner either disrespectful or oblivious.

You can try all you want to impose ground rules but I wouldn’t have any confidence that he’ll respect them or that your partner will have a handle on the situation.

I agree with everyone else, if partner wants to live with his son then you stay in separate houses for the time being. Otherwise you’ll be living in a student hovel, smelling of weed, teenagers/ young adults having sex next door/ coming in late and having parties, and no authority at all (because he’s not your child), having rows with your partner who thinks this is all normal/ loves having his son there at all costs/ is out all day and doesn’t really care. It will most likely kill the relationship and then you won’t have anywhere for you/ your kids to live.

If you really must move in together get somewhere with a separate annexe.