DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

So what are you going to do?
Personally I'd pull out. You didn't agree to this. Just keep your separate homes and carry on as you are, and he can live with his dad.
There's no benefit to you joining households now. Wait until all the young adults have their own places. What if your daughter needs to come home and her home now has a lazy weed smoking man and his gf in it alongside her mum's bf? Can't imagine she would ever want to come home in that situation and as a single parent myself my main priority is to always be able to offer my DC a safe place to stay if they need it.

DP's bombshell is a ''big thing'' in so many ways. Just to ''inform'' you - at very last minute - as you are supposed to complete in literally hours - could be less than 72 hours - absolutely Not acceptable. What other shocks has he got up his sleeve? Hope you don't have a weak heart!!

I don’t think this thread is genuine.
No one would allow themselves to be treated like this.
And why would a working adult even want to move in with his dad and partner?
Not genuine.

Sorry, too late to edit but I meant to say, this was a bit tongue in cheek because I can’t see this happening and I agree OP should pause or back out on the exchange.

This is his doing- not yours. He changed the whole setup without prior discussion. I think you will regret moving in with his son + gf if they are messy and smoke weed. You will be everyone's cook, housekeeper etc. And dss might not expect to pay rent/groceries- those subjects need to be discussed with everyone involved.

Why would a working adult even want to move in with his dad and partner?

Because his mum has more or less thrown him out. There's nothing to suggest this isn't a genuine OP.

Both men need to understand DSS will get a load of grief from you, via his father, if the expectations aren’t met

Unfortunately most of these "expectations" would appear to be OP's, @grumpygrape, and I'm not sure why the DP - who's already treating her with something worryingly close to contempt - would be expected to step in?

This is a made up scenario.

How would you feel if he announced his mother was moving in ... Or his brother??
It's not the fact that it's his son... It's the fact he assumed you'd still be paying 50% for a house you will be able to use a lot less of and have a lot less privacy. And sharing with another adult without even the courtesy of asking you.

Unbelievable! Definitely don't buy the house with him.

Sounds like it was a surprise to your partner as well so it is not his fault....

Parents often live with adult children as it is do expensive for them to move out, it's nice that his son wants to live with him.

I would always put my child first so if you refuse it could cause problems in your relationship.

Well, if I was in your position, I would be pulling out of this house sale NOW.

But it doesn't sound like you intend to do this @maximusss

What do you want people to say?

How long before it's the 19 year old and a partner living there, making it four people in the home? No way would I give up my own home to buy a house with a man who announces his son is moving in without any discussion.

Who did you have in mind for that bedroom?

You need to pull out and keep your house, if he wants to put up with messy son let him, but not in a house that's half yours an itvwill be you that essentially cleans up after him. You'll also have the gf staying all the time.
Is your partner OK with him smoking weed at the house?
Your life will be an absolute misery, no wonder his mum is sick of him, is he suddenly going to change when he moves in with you 2,or is his father okay thst he's messy and smokes weed

If you go ahead with the house you are agreeing to house this slob, and please don’t kid yourself he’ll be different in your house that you are paying for.

You need to press hold on the exchange. I know it's awful (for the seller and also you) but you need clarity before you can move forward with the house.

I think children coming back from uni is different as there is no feasible alternative (no one can find a room in a houseshare for the Easter holidays for example) and is time limited. Also they're more likely to be independent and want to move out properly afterwards (it's harder to go back to living with parents if you've had three years living independently) or at least be more self aware when they're around.

I would be extremely wary,like others have said, if he is moving out because his mum, who loves him, has had enough of his messy / disrespectful behaviour. I know you've said this isn't the issue, but please don't under estimate:

• how differently he will behave in his own home vs when he was a guest in your home
• how much harder it will be to manage when it's full time vs 1 day a week
• how difficult it will be to manage this if his dad hasn't agreed some ground rules around mess etc
• the change in dynamic and how this might grind you down over time eg walking around with skimpy pj's on

I think it would be a very different conversation if it was he was asking to move in because your house is nearer his work, or because he wants to spend time with his dad. But he is effectively moving out from one house because (it sounds like) he is messy and disrespectful which is not a good start for a harmonious arrangement with you

I do see why his dad wants to live with him but I think discussions need to happen around:

• why he is moving out rather than addressing his behaviour - what's he going to change so that you and your husband don't have the same reaction. And if he is going to change, why can't he do that at home?
• rent given he is working
• communal vs individual food
• levels of cleanliness, chore rota etc
• girlfriend coming over
• weed smoking (our neighbours smoke in the garden and it stinks)
• how long will this arrangement be for
• why you weren't consulted or involved in such a big decision

Also will there be enough space when your kids are back in the holidays?

I think you and your partner could handle this by having a list of rules for any of your adult children to abide by if they choose to live with you in your new shared house.
-financial contribution to the cost of bills and food if they plan to share meals with you.
-No drugs in the house.
-No bringing home one night stands.

-Girlfriends or boyfriends who have met you over dinner can then stay over, but not more than 4 nights per week - basically you expect them to split their time between both of the places they live in rather than spend all their time in yours and moving in by stealth.

I’m sure there’s more that might need to be agreed on to but that’s a start.

There's another red flag right there!

I'd be wanting to know why mum moans a lot. Is it because he's messy/lazy/entitled or otherwise difficult to live with?

I agree with PP. The adult son doesn't get to say he's moving in and so called "DP" doesn't get to say his son is moving in without prior consultation and agreement with you.

This doesn't bode well at all and I would pull out.

But you wouldn't just announce it, you'd discuss it first.

What he has done is make a unilateral decision - my son is moving in. Unilateral decisions, where the other party has no voice, are really bad signs in a relationship of any sort.

If he'd said, son said this to me, what do you think? Could it work? Would you be okay with it?

Forget the guilt. This is bullshit.

It's a tricky one, blended families always make it more complicated. I would have expected a discussion, but at the same time I would expect any child of mine or partner to be welcome to stay within what I would consider to be a family home.

You are massively under-reacting. Put your big girl pants on.

Accepting your partner’s child into a shared home is reasonable, with agreements andground rules in place.

Your partner thrusting his and his son’s decisions on you and expecting you to shut up and comply is absolutely not ok.

I would make it very clear that anyone bringing weed into my home wouldn’t just face my moaning, I’d be notifying the police. I’d be binning his mess. I would expect a1/3 contribution towards all bills and food. There would be limited overnights with the girlfriend.

They are doing this because they think you are a doormat. You are coming across as incredibly passive - I appreciate that you’ve had the rug pulled from under you, but you have agency here.

Pulling out of the purchase now would be much less messy than trying to untangle things a few years down the line, when your partner’s backing of his son’s druggy, dirty behaviour has destroyed your relationship.

@tipsyraven why is it made up? If I was to move in with a new partner now (which would be a surprise to DH!) I have a DS who is currently at university. It is likely that DS will stay in that area for a job but there is no guarantee that he is going to do that or that he could get a job straight away, so he would need a bedroom wherever I was living. Also uni holidays are long, DS's summer one is pretty much 5 months. So this would need to be a discussion before any moving in discussions and especially before any house purchase. This doesn't seem to have happened as OP just assumes her partner would be okay if her DD moved back home, she hasn't said they have had any discussions.

No no no no no!!!!

You will not just be living together, you will be living together with his 19 year old son.

That is a completely different scenario altogether.

He has sprung this on you with a week to go because he believes you won't now kick up a fuss.

You absolutely need to not exchange next week. What else is he going to spring on you in the future?

This required full notice from the moment he and his son first discussed it.