DP’s son moving in

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I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

It wasn't discussed so it's not happening until it is discussed and it would be foolish to assume it's going to on this basis, is the line I'd take. Also, why are you expected to pay for somewhere for his son to live?

You need to say this and not go ahead with the exchange until you have this sorted. Remember, if you exchange and pull out the seller can sue for the rest of the money, not just the exchange amount.

I was wondering that too. Sounds mad

I think a messy weed smoking son is enough for me to say no thanks and pull out of purchase. This unilateral decision is not a partnership. It's fairly obvious with your child effectively still living at home that they will be living with you on and off, but his son has a home and is working. Telling you this late in the process is not enough time to discuss it, trial it, talk about house rules which would be for me would be a long list. My rules would include no weed at the house, no smoking at all, girlfriend stay over once a week cam visit 3 evenings or days, 1/3 of all bills extra of girlfriend is staying, including food but possibly get him to buy his own food as you'll be feeding girlfriend too, cleaning rota, no noise after 10:30 pm etc all the things that you would expect of your DC or a lodger for that matter. There should be a large rent payment not towards mortgage but as savings for him a deposit for getting out of your house and into his own flat asap. And where would your child stay? Honestly I'd be angry at the way it has been sprung on you.
There's definitely a reason his own mother has had enough!

You've got to talk about it; don't censor yourself because it's his son and he should be welcome. Ideally he should, but even in a case of a son who'd lived away wanting to move into a new house with BOTH parents I'd expect a discussion before either parent unilaterally said yes. This sounds like the son just announced to his dad that he was moving in so it's probably not a case of your partner making extended plans behind your back. But I would still worry that even if your partner doesn't blanket assume he can can do what he wants about the house without consulting you, he's apt to be pushed around and backed into corners by his adult son. That's not OK when there's a shared household and relationship to consider, and making that clear to him doesn't mean you dislike his son or don't want him around.

I don't think I would continue with the exchange if I were you He clearly sees the new house as 100% his and nothing to do with you. To have a messy, weed smoking 19 year old move into your new house with no discussion, would be a no from me. There would need to be discussion. Rules. And then much more discussion. I am so annoyed on your behalf!

This is one those happenings that seem disastorous, but with hindsight are a gift, because now you see the truth of the relationship, before it is too late, just in time to pull out of this purchase.

You are not respected, not consulted; what you are is half the costs of buying a home and all the clearing-up-after and too-late parenting of your partner's adult child.

He announced what he and his son are planning to do (to you) in your new home. Fait accompli. That says everything about the power dynamics between you. The second most telling part is why his son has chosen now to move in. What was wrong with his father's previous home, other than it lacked a live-in domestic skivvy, tied by joint ownership, trapped by finances.

Run!

He's messy enough to the point that his DM has had enough of him, and he also smokes weed in the back garden.

If you let him move in your lovely new house will be a shithole before you know it.

I think it is imperative that you call the solicitors today to pause the exchange while you have a serious and frank discussion with your DP. I would not be allowing his DS to move in with you on those terms. Tbh if it was me I would be pulling out of the house sale altogether due to the fact that your DP dropped this on you last minute without any discussion. That is a serious red flag and it doesn't bode well for the relationship at all.

I think this is concerning - of course everyone wants to put their kids first and that's the right thing ... but your instincts are also right. Its very weird your partner did not talk about it first and give you both a chance to nut out how it would work and set boundaries. Its likely his son does not experience boundaries at his dad's house ... what's that going to look like at your house? How are costs going to work with having another adult live there?

It worries me how the OP hasnt taken this all on board and made the call.

Strikes me if this is true life is going to get extremely complicated for her. Take control of your life back and ensure your child at Uni doesnt come home to a warzone.

I appreciate you are torn as you hope your child may return one day and that may reek as double standards. But you have not thrown this into the situation like a hand grenade like your partner. You still have all the control, do not let it go.

No 19 yr old man who dissrespects his home enough that his mum wants him gone is going to suddenly treat his fathers 'partner' with any more respect. He is going to play you like a fiddle and his dad will stand by and watch

Do you honestly not see that the issue here isn't whether the son moves in, it's the fact that it was just dropped on OP? That isn't about whether or not it's the son's home too, it's about OP's partner deliberately manoeuvring this to ensure OP gets no say. Are you really saying that because OP's a stepparent she isn't entitled to any?

Besides which, if the boy's mum is moaning at him this much it sounds like he's somewhat difficult to live with. Why should OP be landed with his bad habits when even his own mum seems to be struggling with them? Yes, people absolutely should still feel welcome in their parents' home once they are adults, and feel it's their home too when they are there, but that doesn't necessarily mean carte blanche to live permanently in said home if they can't behave with consideration. Sheesh. 🙄

You can't talk to your partner while he is at work today, are due to exchange on Monday and "feel sick about the whole thing". That is your gut giving you the answer! Call off the move today.
One thing I didn't understand is that somewhere upthread you said your son at uni might me 'moving in' at some point too. Don't uni students just come home, not 'move in'?

So another red flag is that DH is just railroading the mother; the issue is that DSS is a lazy, layabout, annoying little sod (whatever he has been doing to piss off his mother that she has got the to "no more" point), and DH thinks all this will be solved by SON MOVING IN"???

No mention of taking accountability for his behaviour?
No mention of looking at what got him to this point

No accountability
No change to behaviour

So basically son is free to come live at your new house with all his bad behaviours, no boundaries and free rein!

Very worrying traits your DH has...

And living separately is what i'd go right on doing, given that you seem to have linked up with someone who hasn't even the courtesy to discuss such a major issue with you

Honestly, it's advanced cocklodging really. Two cocks. Run twice as fast.

I'd definitely be pulling out of the exchange. Even if your DP agrees with you today that his son isn't moving in, once you've exchanged he can simply change his mind.

I agree this is more about the fact your DP is simply telling you this, not consulting you, which says a lot about what he feels about you. But even if this is the case, there's no way I'd want to live with a 19 year old that isn't mine (and tbh I find my own hard enough), let alone a 19 year old that you know smokes weed, is very messy and has a girlfriend who stays with him and whose mother has issued him with an ultimatum. What a disaster!

You know I meant the op has just found out her dp feels entitled to make unilateral decisions, not that she's just found out he has a child.

Yep.

If your dp wants to pull this stunt off at the 11th hour, what else is he planning or expecting you to tolerate.

Your head is in a spin because you’re being blindsided. Think with your head not your heart. Going forward and regretting it could be a very costly mistake, both financially and emotionally.

Ga

Your partner having his son living with him (regardless if it's his own house or joint) full-time has always been a possibility, no matter how small that possibility may have been.

However, your partner should have discussed this with you, before agreeing to allow his son to move in full-time. It's not as simple as the son moving in! What rent (if any!) will he be paying? What will the expectations around chores/keeping his room tidy be? How often will his girlfriend be staying overnight (too much, and she'll need to make a financial contribution!!)? What happens if his son doesn't do as he's being asked? Is your partner willing to put in consequences or will he bury his head in the sand?! This has to be agreed by both of you. It's a home you both will jointly own and live in. The same principle applies to your own child, with regards to rent etc, if yours comes back to live full-time.

The fact your partner hasn't discussed the situation, for me is worrying. The fact the son's own Mum is unhappy with his sloppy ways, doesn't bode well. If your partner isn't willing to parent his son if he starts being a slob, then you will have a massive problem on your hands.

First off I would be extremely annoyed at being given a fait accompli.

However, if you are prepared to go ahead, there needs to be a discussion, first with just you and DP, and then including DSS.

Covering how DSS has to share the cooking, cleaning and other chores (as I’m sure his father does), including doing all his own laundry, and contributing proportionally to household bills, And that’s before adding the girlfriend into the mix.

For me, smoking weed in the garden would be a dealbreaker, but you may have different views.Remember though, that he’ll have to keep it somewhere, presumably in the house…..?

Both men need to understand DSS will get a load of grief from you, via his father, if the expectations aren’t met.

But I’m a miserable old bat and however pleasant a 19 year old is I wouldn’t tolerate them being messy or taking the piss in my, albeit half owned, house.

Oh and no, you bleeping well do not need to consult with your partner before pulling out of this purchase. Do what is best for you and your daughter, do it unilaterally, and do it now, before offices close for the weekend. You can hash it out with him at length later.

In view of your reply, I find it more than a little surprising the subject couldn’t have come up at a much earlier stage.
Would it be worth your while bringing all this up with solicitors? Esp. as you only describe this person as ‘Partner’?

And was that young person a messy drug addict with a Velcro partner?

The partners son in this case already lives with a parent who has had enough of his behaviour. He can still go and live with his father if that’s what they both want. OP doesn’t have to be part of that though.

Looks like OP hadn’t really thought through the scenario that her DD might want to move back home at some point either.

If you have been living in separate house for a while, is the thinking now that both DC are 19 they won’t need to live with you anymore. Personally I think that was probably naive, especially in this day and age with property prices and job markets like they are

Your partner having his son living with him (regardless if it's his own house or joint) full-time has always been a possibility, no matter how small that possibility may have been

This is true and comes up on most threads about step children, but the DS isn't a child and I'd have thought expectations about moving in would lessen as they reach adulthood and other options become available (and especially once working FT)

I agree, though, that this is more about the lack of any discussion, which is why I'd personally go right on living apart