DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

There's a reason he didn't tell you until it was almost too late. I'd pull out of the sale. He's had this planned all along. Who's paying the extra food and fuel? He could be with you for a decade. Children don't leave home as early now.

Expect to become the villain of the piece, be gaslit, shamed and anything else at his disposal to try to push you into agreeing. If you want to retain your independence and not be housing an adult who is not your child, you'll have to be strong x

Weed smoking in the back garden (yeah, right ... like it's going to stick to that when it's blowing a gale and raining hard).

Girlfriend pretty much guaranteed to move in.

Incredibly messy and would rather move in to your new home than actually tidy up - please note he hasn't been told to sort himself out or move by his mother, he just doesn't like her 'moaning' about his messiness.

Utter lack of consultation about him moving in and no mention of any contribution financially or helping with household chores (hint: because there won't be any).

If you haven't already called the solicitor and asked them to please pause the exchange then I really don't know why and it's not fair on the sellers.

And by the way, your sex life will tank - not just from the lunking presence of a late-teenager, but from the resentment and betrayal you feel.

Some men will put up with a lot of unhappiness and hurt in their partner as long as they're getting their basic needs and comforts met... 😠

Call your solicitor now and postpone the exchange of contacts. You must not continue without proper advice.

Remember it’s your life, you have to be happy and excited about what is a huge purchase and commitment. Lots of people pull out of exchange at the last minute. You can’t agree to your 50% until you know what’s happening. He might still be able to buy on his own but the documents would need to be revised. Either way no exchange on Monday, you need to let the solicitor know now.

This isn't going to end well
Best of luck
I agree with all the pp who say pause the exchange

Is your partner in a position to purchase the new house on his own? If so problem solved if not I think you do just have to say " Right now I need to hit pause on the exchange, sorry but I do." Is your house going at the same time, ie. Monday? Or are the sale/purchase not linked? Either way this is too big a deal to simply ignore and carry on.

I agree - this was possibly the only way he could afford to buy a bigger house that would accommodate his son (betting OP is going from a 2 bed into a 3 bed… so she is underwriting the uplift in the property of the DP so that he can move his DS in).

OP is focussed on not being consulted - but she is missing the bigger picture: her DP has lied and mislead her as to his intention and is only now revealing his true motives because he thinks she cannot go back. It was always his intention to buy a house that would be a home for his son.

This would actually be relationship ending for me.

I would not be moving. The whole dynamics have now changed. By all means he can move in with dp at his current house and then you can see how it goes but I would not be moving in at the moment

If he's working, he can move into a house share. You might like him as a weekly visitor to a house that isn't his dad's but things will change once he's got his feet under the table and for the worse. I bet DP has known about this for a good while and not mentioned it to you which is really underhand. You've had no time to think about it, discuss house rules, cleaning rotas, rent to be paid by him etc and I'd be thinking that even if he agreed under the pressure of time to house rules and conditions he'd renege on them once you're tied in to a mortgage with him. Why hasn't your DP told the little scrote to stop being such a disrespectful fucker to his mum and to get his act together?

Play hard ball with the pair of them and mean it.

As much as I agree with others that he is your DP son, I don't agree with him inviting himself to live in another person's house without a full conversation with you before doing so.

At 19 the DS is quiet capable of having a discussion about it with you himself, to me that kind of says in his eyes that it's his dads house and you follow along with their choice.

OP you've got nothing to feel sick about.

Your partners behaviour is appalling.

Decide how you want to proceed and stand strong.

So fucking disrespectful that he didn't even consider discussing it with you. What a twat.

And your poor DP's son - he deserves a living arrangement that everyone discusses and decides as adults so he feels safe and welcome.

Op you are buying into the 19yearold and his father's misogyny here. Does it not occur to you that you will probably end up feeling exactly the same? Will you feel inhibited from 'moaning' because the men will belittle you and say "oh god you are as bad as mu mum/ex!"

This is utter madness to spring on you when you’re finally moving into your new place together!!! It should have been discussed well in advance and he should have asked how would you feel about it, rather than “this is happening”.

God I'm raging on your behalf the more I think about this.

I'd be pulling out and telling them both to fuck off.

This is clear code for his mum expects him to actually clean up after himself. He will be a nightmare to live with, OP. I would object on this ground alone.

You tell the partner at lunchtime that it wasn’t the plan that the son and possibly his girlfriend move into the new house full time and so you have instructed the solicitor that you can’t exchange on Monday and then tell him that you are planning on pulling out of the purchase, as it would be better to continue in your current set up until the son is settled.

This. The son's behaviour is as much a red flag as your DP's. Unless you're very tolerant of mess yourself, you'll be the loser. Your DP should be telling his son to show his mother more respect, not foisting the problem on to you.

Do not finalise op. Cancel the sale! Contact the solicitors and stop it all moving forwards.

Reading about the lazy & messy behaviour (as I expected), as well as the weed smoking and the girlfriend he sees everyday (so likely two adults in your space!) it's even more of a hell no from me as it was when I first commented.

Put off moving in together. Stay living apart for longer. Until both of your adult children have fully flown the nest. THEN maybe think about it.

Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it!!!! You be will be the live in housemaid for lazy men. Your”D”P doesn’t care whether or not your kids move in because he has low standards and would never be the one picking up after them (and yours are probably well brought up anyway). This young man’s own mother can’t cope with him, what makes you think he will respect you? Your P certainly doesn’t respect you. Seriously, you will regret this forever, do not exchange contracts!

Yes to all this.

Haven't rtft.
I would be having major second thoughts right now in your shoes.
He's sprung it on you now thinking it's a done deal. No way would I be agreeing to living with his adult son who disrespects his mother's house so much. He won't be any better at yours and will have even less incentive to be amiable to you.
Friend of mine has been through similar recently - Disney dad and adult son at home taking the piss. They've split up over it.

There is an OCEAN of discussion to be had here. No way would a 19 year old man be moving in to my house without paying his way and he certainoy wouldn't be smoking weed in the garden or having guests round every night.

ETA: And I guess you will moan about all the same stuff his mum moans about (the weed, the visitors and the rent!!)

Are you renting now or selling your own home? If it's your own home, even more reason to pull out altogether. At least you'll have somewhere to live still and control over what happens under your own roof.

YANBU. Sadly in my experience this kind of thing only tends to get worse.

In your shoes I wouldn't go ahead with the house purchase, sorry. I actually feel angry for you that your partner thinks you're just a passenger to be told things are happening rather than consulted on them. He may be your DP's son but you are his partner and decisions should be made jointly.