DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

I’d feel sick too - but I’d also be very very angry that DP has manipulated you into this situation. It really doesn’t bode well for your long term relationship if he can do this at this stage.

This is terrible. He’s really shifted the goal posts. I can imagine you thought you were moving towards the next stage, romantically moving in together and sharing a home. He probably thinks great I’ll get a housekeeper. I would phone the solicitors and say you can’t exchange on Monday. I would suggest the best situation would be to continue your current living set up. The son can move into his house and the partner can stay at both houses. There will be other houses in the future when the son has settled elsewhere.

Tell him to let them move in together and let him be his sons new skivvy.

That house will be a shit hole in no time if you aren't skivvying every day.

Such an unbelievable situation.

No good man would do this.
I suspect he knew this was coming down the line.

He already thinks you're stuck.

Do the math as to just how much it will cost you to get out of the house when you are stuck.

He's banking on that believe me.

Better you back out now.
HE pays costs to this point as HE completely changed the agreement.

Woman up.

This relationship needs to be over if you have an ounce of sense and care about your children.

Stay put.

Your DH is not unreasonable to want to allow his son to move in. Absolutely isnt.

Your DH & YOU are unreasonable to not confront the elephant in the room before you exchange on a house. The lack of communication is a disaster waiting to happen and for the sake of your future you should cancel the house move until you have had a period of talk.

Not only will it allow you both to deal with this matter in an adult fashion, without the blackmail side of things that you really have little choice in the matter. It will also stand you in good stead for future issues where he knows you will absolutely stand your ground if he thinks he can throw a grenade into your relationship.

These kind of things take a reasonable conversation, long before you even think about buying a house.

Take control.
Ring the solicitors and tell them to pause this.

But I bet he will lie and say and promise anything to get this over the line.

Never trust him again.
He thinks you're a fool.

Contact the Solicitor and tell them to delay the exchange. Do not allow yourself to be swept along because you are so close to the deadline. The more I think about it the more it feels like your partner planned this. His son could have moved in with him at anytime if he was so keen to have him. I think you are being lined up as cook, maid and housekeeper to two lazy men.

he can stay at his fathers for say 1 year/18 months and you can observe what happens from your own house. I suspect that his sons moving to the other house wont happen and somehow it will all be the OPs fault for being unreasonable/a bitch (other epiphets available).

Lack of consultation when it’s your new house too - unacceptable.

if he moves in and you hate living with a messy weed smoker, will his Dad tell him to leave? I doubt it, but you’ll still have to pay the mortgage. How will you get out of that situation? What about the ever present girlfriend is she effectively moving in as well?

I agree that pausing the exchange is the way to go.

I can’t believe you are being so passive about this ? If you are paying half the mortgage and bills etc then these are joint decisions. How would he feel if you announced “my mum is moving in?”. Having a 19 year old around (and I have one !) , in and out at their leisure, cooking and washing clothes in your space when you want to (unless the assumption is you are doing it) will become tiresome. It will affect your relationship. You will become the 3rd wheel here. It would be a showstopper for me and I would pause the house purchase until it’s sorted. After that it will be an unpleasant fight and you are stuck with someone who makes decisions without you and a house.

Wow, this is crazy, not having an adult son move home but rather the complete lack of consultation! This guy is either:

A) utterly braindead
B) has zero respect for you
C) is worryingly manipulative

None of the options scream happy ever after to me! Be strong and tell that solicitor to pause indefinitely

Don’t allow yourself to be pushed into a decision you are unsure about because of the time pressure. It’s your future as well as the future of your DP and his son. It will be much worse if it all goes pear shaped 2 years down the line. Give yourself space, allow yourself the time to think. It is alright to say no, this isn’t what I want. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you don’t want to live with his son.

Don’t wait till lunchtime, call the solicitors now and tell them you can exchange on Monday as something has come up. Then tell him at lunchtime that you aren’t ready to proceed until you know what the future living situation is for the son, as it wasn’t expected for him to live full time with you only one day a week.

Just read about the smoking weed. In your position he wouldnt even get over my doorstep, never mind live there. I wouldnt have a weed smoking teenager anywhere near my house.

You are setting yourself up for misery with the son and the father

He has someone else to live. Notwithstanding that it’s the lack of consultation and assumption (and the fact the 19 year old has told his dad he is moving in) that it’s ok that’s the issue. Would matter if they were female and the mother wanted it , she still has to ask.

This. He's already shown he has form for being sneaky. He may get angry, but he may also seem to capitulate and say 'Okay, just the occasional sleepover then...'

Then surprise! The sleepovers start to last weeks, then months... then a sudden catastrophe means son and girlfriend and weedy friends just have to stay over... You'd be living with this sword of Damocles hanging over you...

If someone is putting you in any situation where they have time to think and you don't, you have to insist on the time to think.

I'm sorry because I know how upsetting and stressful this must be. But this is your last, best opportunity to defend yourself. I'm sure we're all cheering you on and wishing the best for you. 🤗

Not sure why you are asking me, I am not the OP. I was responding to you saying discussing with your partner prior to moving your adult children in is not required.

You need to get on to the solicitor IMMEDIATELY. Fridays are busy days for them, as that's the day most people complete. If you leave it until your DP phones you in his lunch break, it might be too late to get in touch with the solicitor. That's if your DP even calls you! - as it seems he doesn't believe in discussing important life decisions.

So tell the solicitor NOW that they need to put the exchange on hold.

Then sort this out with DP later and set out how you feel. He is being disrespectful and unreasonable to drop this on you with no discussion. Sorry, but you are being incredibly passive about it. Why on earth didn't you speak up when he dropped this bombshell?

Pull out of this purchase. This behaviour could be the thin end of an unpleasant wedge.

You seem quite passive OP. If you let this move go ahead no doubt you will be back complaining of all the problems that can be expected, smoking weed, mess, not contributing financially etc.

Since he’s an adult, I wouldn’t allow this. I’d be pissed off at your DP for assuming he could just live with you both as well, there should have been a discussion. I’d pull out of the house and maybe the relationship.

Also agree - you call the solicitor now and tell them to pause immediately.

You also text DP and tell them you have done this as you are not willing to proceed if his DS is moving in.

I bet he calls you before lunch time…

This.

@maximusss his son moving in if he was a sensible adult is one thing.

moving in an expecting no boundaries an to be able to do the things he isn’t supposed to do at his mums - absolutely not.

no weed allowed. Inside or out. First impression with neighbours having to smell it be favourable.

no contribution financially. Again nope. He needs to be accountable an contribute to this and keeping the home clean.

mess. Nope. His room and the home need treating within your standards.

girlfriend practically living there. Nope.

has partner even considered what it will be like if he lives with you and continues with the behaviour he’s not allowed to do at his mums?

no no no. I wouldn’t be moving forward if partner can’t see why this is an issue. To
not even discuss it with you and announce it as fait accompli. Nope.

So why aren't you asking your partner these questions?

I think he's had this planned all along. Very sneaky.