DP’s son moving in

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I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Definitely agree. At least give yourself time to think it through. And doing this will also bring it home to your DP what a big issue this is it doesn’t sound like he gets it

You pull out of the sale. He has just tossed a bomb into your life and you don't seem to have realised that yet. So many details to discuss:

Will he pay rent
Can his girlfriend stay over and, if so, how often
Will he do his own laundry or expect you to
Will he keep his room clean
Will he smoke weed in the house
Will he expect you to cook
Will he expect you to clean
Will he pick up after himself

You could be in your new house totally miserable in a few months time.

After reading all your posts OP, I'd pull out today.

His son may be a nice enough guy for his one day at yours a week, but it sounds as though he's messy and doesn't like being told to tidy after himself. He'll be bringing these issues to your new home. I've no doubt he'll expect to have his gf staying overnight too, so you'll have two additional adults in the house (with the additional mess and expense).

The fact your DP has dumped this on you as though it's a done deal is not on. You will own half the house and it should have been a discussion. Is your DP the type to keep his son in check, or will he just let him get away with all sorts?

I also wouldn't want someone smoking weed in my garden. The smell is awful and infiltrates inside.

Don't be scared by the fact exchange is a few days away. You're in a position now to speak up. By Monday it'll be too late. Worst case, call it all off. Best case, tell the solicitor today something has come up and you need to delay a week or two. Don't be pushed into accepting this just because it's his son. It'd be different if the son was a child, but adult kids don't normally move to the other parent unless there are big problems.

So what has been said since bombshell dropped? I would be delaying Exchange. I would want clarity from DP when he first knew. We would be discussing house rules (which would apply to your DD too). I am of the opinion that if partner has DC (either child or young adult) then there could be a possibility that they move in, either full time or part-time, then that should have been discussed beforehand, and that includes your DD too.

This sounds sketchy as hell. No consultation, last minute, and his son is an adult. Don't buy a house with this man - at least not right now.

Agree with others - he cannot unilaterally decide that you with be sharing with a 3rd person. There would need to be a discussion about contribution to rent, shared areas etc unless you are now being expected to underwrite his son via a 50/50 split. I appreciate that you will have incurred legal costs, survey costs, given notice on your property etc [which is why he has waited until now to tell you, thinking it will be too late for you to back out], but I absolutely would not be standing for this.

It’s a cock lodger by proxy situation, isn’t it?

The girlfriend, weed, mess could also be a problem if he just carries on with the one day a week.

Please don’t proceed with the purchase!

I think your partner planned this. The timing is not coincidental. He's been telling his son he can move in, and just to wait until you've exchanged.

I would pull out.

The smell of weed attracts rodents too.

If you didn’t plan to live with two additional adults plus rodents, do not exchange.

Even his own mother doesn’t enjoy living with him/them!

as someone who has an adult DSC living with them full time (who has lived there part time since early teens so slightly different). Please set boundary's before it happens, No to smoking weed in the house/garden (we had this for a while and it really got to me), agree rent upfront (even if you can afford to keep some aside for his future), girlfriend can visit x times or stay x times a week, he has to do his share of cleaning the communal areas, he does his washing, keeps his room clean etc. whatever is your requirements. He may then decide not to move in, but either way he knows the expectation. but you HAVE to get your DP on board, as mine doesn't call out his DS ever and that makes it difficult. Luckily we and DSC get on well generally. Good luck!

I said this is a wind up thread because it sounds so unbelievable to most people that you could even think you are being unreasonable or dramatic given the OP and even more the updates.

The son is the least of your worries. Whoever said you might be in an abusive, controlling relationship is dead right. Even if not, you're being totally disrespected and, should you go ahead with the purchase, it will likely only get worse regardless of whether the son moves in or not.

I think it would be best to pause the purchase, or even better pull out, have some time away from your partner and seek therapy. Sorry.

I would be furious with the lack of communication around it.

Realistically, you can't say no. It's his son. Just as you wouldn't turn your own kids down. But it's a conversation.

I would not want someone smoking weed in my back garden - hard no. I wouldn't be mad keen on the ever-present girlfriend either.

I really feel for you - this is a crappy situation to find yourself in at this stage.

If I didn’t plan to live with rodents…
That made me smile, despite the stress I feel this morning!

The fact that your partner sprung this on you as a fait accompli a few days before exchange is a massive red flag. And the reason the son has for moving in is a red flag as well.

It's easier said than done, but I would want to pull out of the purchase.

They love it! The more skunky the better!

This.
OP,
I can't believe your passivity.
Your life first.
Your "partner" is a cheeky c*.

This is one of those rare MN posts where everyone is in agreement

So - have you spoken to him this morning?

Have you phoned the solicitors?

The longer you leave it the more unfair it is on everyone in the chain.

The only way out of the stress is to pull out now. It won't get better.

Have you not had any prior discussions about bedrooms for your teenage children? It isn't unforeseeable that one or both would potentially need a room at times over the next decade or so to be honest

He’s working and can’t really answer the phone. I’ve text him and asked him to call me on his lunch break. I just feel sick about the whole thing

I really hope this is a wind up thread because I don't think the OP is listening and is just going to allow it to happen. A real shame.

I agree wholeheartedly with this.
Don't put yourself in a position that's going to possibly cause you problems that will be difficult to resolve.

Did you discuss it after your DP bought the subject up?

There's so much more to this than your DP's son just moving in. Part of me thinks this was planned between the two of them.

What you have to do now before signing anything is decide whether you want to live with 19 year old that is untidy.
Is his dad the type that will tell him there's rules or more leave it to you to sort out.

What are the expectations for your DP son in paying towards the household finances?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Contact them and pause the exchange Op. Yes, you knew his DS might move in one day but if his DM can't cope with his behaviour it will be far worse for you. Tell your DP you'll go on with the exchange only if he sets ground rules in advance, his DS hasn't given a thought to you, he thinks Dad will let him do as he likes and he's probably right.

Crikey this is hard OP!
You need to let DP know that this has upset you by not being discussed - don't hide your feelings on it. However, it's happening now, and the absolute essential is that you and DP agree (together, not with DSS) and set down ground rules for him when he moves in. If DP won't agree to this completely reasonable request I would reconsider the purchase. Don't exchange until you have this sorted.

I would assume you would jointly set ground rules for your own DC if they were to wish to come to live with you too, so this isn't just aimed at DP's son.
As you say, it's blindsiding you with this that is the problem, not really the fact that DP's son will be coming.
I hope you get this sorted but you have to air this now with DP.

Good luck