DP’s son moving in

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I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

This is a recipe for disaster and completely moves the goalposts.
You were expecting a quiet life with your partner with his son staying once a week and your son whenever he’s not at uni or travelling but now you’re going to have a messy 19 year old boy to clean up after too. All of this without a single discussion!
If your partner thinks it’s perfectly ok to suddenly announce this change in plans then I’d be worried about what else he thinks he can unilaterally decide on.

You telephone the solicitors this morning and instruct them to pause on the exchange.

You have a choice now. Stand up for yourself or be a doormat for these men forever.

Is he some kind of leech,.he is an adult his son is an adult- let them buy the house between them or do they need you to fill in the blanks in the finances?

I quite agree. I can hardly believe he just said his son was moving in - to your home - without discussing it. That was extremely high handed.

You will end up cleaning the mess.

Back out now.

YANBU. This is not his dad's home, it is a joint home with you, so decisions are joint.

You can delay exchange for a few days to talk it all through. But don't be pressured into making a life changing decision without thorough discussion first!

Agree. It smacks of wanting to slide it in under the door at the very last minute, rather than open up a conversation that might get sticky. Which is a sign of either conflict avoidance or control. Neither of which are good things.

quite. It’s pretty unlikely she moans at him because he cleans up the kitchen so thoroughly there’s nothing left for her to do, or because he’s such a great cook.

"Maybe it's me being dramatic"
You have every reason to go fckng ballistic! He can't just drop that one on you without discussion, negotiation and joint decisions!
To do so is utterly selfish of him and completely dismissive of you. This is your life, your living arrangements, your home, for god's sake!
You need to tell your partner that this sort of thing MUST be negotiated!

“they are aiming for exchange on Monday. I genuinely don’t know what to do.”

You hit pause! Say to your partner you will not be going forward with the exchange until discussion has been had and ground rules established. For example
-contribution/rent to be paid by son
-rules on tidying up after himself
-agreement on weed smoking
-how often his gf stays and whether she contributes
-etc etc

Do not allow yourself to be rushed into this, or you’ll be repenting at leisure.

No way no how

Proper discussions on bills, behaviour and how issues will be dealt with

I would never buy a house jointly with someone because of these kind of issues. Someone just deciding he can move another adult and their sexual partner into my living space without discussing it with me? Nah. Fuck that. Not because I don't want him to have his child around but because he unilaterally made that decision. No word of a lie, I would pull out. Even if we had that chat, I couldn't do it. Because he doesn't respect you, doesn't see you as an equal and doesn't understand how to communicate effectively about the way forward.

Biggest red flag, hell no ever that living together won't work. Cos he's not showing the skills to do so successfully

This. Exactly what I was about to write.

All other things aside (although they are very relevant), the weed smoking is probably the most significant. The lad is looking for somewhere to live which will enable him pursue his habit. It's probably the main reason his mother moans at him.

"Smoking weed" sounds so innocuous to some, but it's a slippery slope which often leads to serious and harmful addiction affecting not just the smoker but everyone around them.

Even if he doesn't move in with the OP and her DH, if his addiction continues it will affect them in one way or another.

I'd run a mile.

So what if it's his (adult) son?

It's going to be your home!

Tell him you're putting the sale on hold and see if that concentrates his mind!

You message him immediately and say ‘I am not ok. Thinking of pulling out of the exchange if you are just going to drop such major decisions on me. If your son is messy I’m not living in a pig sty nor am I his new maid, and nobody smokes weed ever in my house or garden. Is his girlfriend going to he around every day too? Because not in my house she isn’t, so given the way you’ve done this I think the only way to enjoy living in my home is to stay here where I am.

Totally agree with this advice. Far better to do this than try to extricate yourself further down the line.

You ignore this at your peril.

why now? why wasnt he living at his fathers before or staying eg twice a week? Is it because there will be a maid service available?

So why did OP not discuss this with him?

He was trying to discuss it with OP and she said he spoke about bedrooms etc so why did she not bring any of that up at the same time.

You will be out of your mind if you mess up your life and that of your childrens by moving in with him.

You will be stuck.

His mother has had enough of his mess.
Now it is your mess.

You will not be able to say a word to him.

Thank god you found out.
If you buy you are walking eyes wide open to a total shit show that will cost you so much money.

Tell him buy the house with his son, and the sons girlfriend.

You will be skivvy to them all.

Some women wonder how they end up screwed?

Here is a perfect dxample of it.

He thinks you are a complete idiot.
You will be too if you go ahead with this.

Wake up.

Are you mad??

Pull out now!

He wasn’t trying to discuss it with me, he told me DS would be moving in and he can have X bedroom. That was it!

you cannot just exchange on Monday. Well you can, but you will be picking up and cleaning up after a messy adult, he and his girlfriend will be occupying your living space and the house will smell faintly of weed and the garden reek of it, while your dp gets cross you being cross as he’s on the defensive. If you want to sign up for that life, go ahead and exchange on Monday. If you don’t, pause it to discuss this.

This. better to get the arguments out there now than to have sold your own house and be faced with father/son vs you. It wont end well so get it over with now.

Looks to me like there are lots of reasons to pull out. If you're really unsure at least delay completion so you can fully discuss things. Lack of discussion so far is a very bad sign.

OP you’re not unreasonable at all to be worried by this. A better approach from your OH would have been to come to you with a conversation, saying “hey, my son has just said he wants to move in with us full time, can we talk about it?” It’s fair enough that he’d want to provide somewhere for his son to live, but he lives with you now too, or will do, in a joint house, and presenting it as a fait accompli is thoughtless and yes, I’d be worried too.

I think you and your partner have both been incredibly naïve in not discussing the potential for either of your kids living with you in your new home at some point.

You cannot say that your daughter won't need to live with you in the future, it's incredibly tough for young people starting out in their careers these days.

Your partner has beaten you to it though by making this announcement, which is clumsy and disrespectful in the way it has been ' decided', and very worrying that he's moving in with you because his mum 'nags'. we all know this means that this young man has some very anti social habits which will really negatively affect your living arrangements.

I think you and DP need to go back to the drawing board here and decided if living together in a new house also incorporates both your kids living there as well, which seems like quite a realistic possibility.

If that prospect makes either of you uneasy, stick to the existing two home arrangement.