DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

It's not the son moving in per se, it's the lack of respect towards you in asking for your opinion and asking for you to come to an agreement. This is huge.

I'd not exchange if it were me tbh, not until any issues have been resolved and you trust him going forward.

Hi @maximusss

I think if you both had adult kids it's understandable they could come back at some point. And if you're committed partners with a potential joint house then it's likely to happen and need to be accepted.

when I read your post, though, I just wanted to shout Noooooo don't do it.

Ive recently moved house and my DN lives with me as has been kicked out by his mum for same reasons. He's same age and is so messy and smokes weed. HE has no where else to go and has recently lost his job.
It's very difficult and is putting a huge strain on my household.

Your DP can look after his son in his place - but if I were you I would want to keep my bolt hole of my own space ... just in case the pressure becomes too much.

Screw that, I'd really consider pulling out. If he's capable of landing these decisions on you with no discussion the. It won't be the only thing. He obviously sees it as his house.

Of course it needs to be discussed. I covered it in in my previous post but:

• What is the agreed stance on rent
• What is the agreed stance on chores (especially as there already is a messiness issue)
• what is the agreed stance on girlfriend
• What about coming in late at night
• How do you deal with issues if boundaries are crossed.

And probably more. When my DP and i moved in together with my DC we talked about all of that and more and mine was 11! we even talked about all the above and we werent there yet. As a courtesy he should have discussed this with the OP and its very concerning that he didnt.

Wow, I would be fuming. Why doesn't the son move in with your DP now? Why wait until you get a house together? Maybe he'd get a taste of how he actually lives and why his ex "moans" at him. You're right, it's the lack of discussion about another adult moving in with no regard for you. I would back out - it's not a great way to start the new phase of your life together and there is instant resentment there.

I expect your partner is now going to be paying a larger portion of the mortgage as he is having another adult to live in the joint home.

Obiv all the bills will be 33.3% each adult living in the home...

There is a lot of discussion to take place before exchange !

You are not unreasonable to be annoyed and even questioning of future communication problems if your DP just dropped this on you without discussion. That's very autocratic. If you want to reassess your relationship along those lines that's perfectly valid.

But you knew he had a child. Just because a child is 19, doesn't mean he will be completely self reliant, especially with things being so tough for young people, with rents being ridiculously expensive, house prices often out of reach and one of the most difficult job markets for even young talented post graduates. I have two young twenty somethings still at home saving for their first home. I unfortunately cannot provide them a deposit so this is my way of helping.

It's unreasonable of you to object to this man wanting to provide a similar landing place for his son. Though I will say, it is very typical that SP men do not put their children front and centre in discussions when they embark on new relationships. They often treat them as background objects, then it all goes pear shaped when the new partner realises they will actually be a main feature.

No parent should tell their child they have to consider what their partner says first before they can live with them. You should both already be onboard about ALL the children you have between you and the relationship with all the kids should be of a decent enough standard that the child knows in the event of a crisis there is a place they can land at least temporarily without feeling like an unwelcome burden. Of course if they can contribute they should and should want to if they've been raised properly.

This is why a lot of these relationships where people have separate children with othersdo not work. They have put the kids away in their minds.

I think you should end it. The communication is bad, and I don't see things working out for all concerned. Definitely do not buy the house you will resent it.

Yikes. Can you pull out? How disrespectful. Ds sounds a nightmare.

Your DP is out of order for not discussing this with you.

Before my DH and I bought our first house together, he asked me how I would feel if either of his two (then) teenage children wanted to live with us. I asked him how they would feel about living with me.

It never happened. I'd had no part in their upbringing and only saw them occasionally, so I certainly didn't want to live with virtual strangers.

You have to make your feelings clear to your DP before the son moves in to your space.

Questions:
How much is he contributing financially to water, gas, electric, council tax, wifi, household basics?.
Will he be cooking and cleaning up after himself?
Will his girlfriend be staying? How often?
What will the ground rules be for son?
What will he contribute to cleaning/maintaining g a nice home?
Who will do his washing and ironing?

Why does it need to be discussed? Err, look at the numerous posts on this thread. You may be happy with your adult children moving (back) in, but a new partner might not be and would surely deserve the respect of a discussion around it. Would never have occurred to me to just tell my mum I was moving back in with her in the first place, particularly not if she was on the verge of buying a property with a DP.

Smoking weed in the back garden … I didn’t need to read any more, it would be an absolute no from me, tell him he needs to rent a flat with his girlfriend and then he can do what he likes.
I’d have a very serious conversation with your partner OP especially as it’s only a week away from signing!

Pause the exchange while it's discussed, until it's resolved to your satisfaction. Let him know there'll be no drugs on your property, send him the chores rota in advance, and give an estimate for his share of the monthly utility bills, then see how he feels about moving in after that!

How often the girlfriend would be there (he sees her every day)
Whether he’ll be allowed to smoke weed in the back garden.
This move has been prompted by his son leaving his mums as he was messy and his mum had enough!

@maximusss sounds like this is why he is no longer living with his mum as she has had enough of all of these things, and he will behave in the very same way. Maybe not right at the start, but it will creep in again.

I will say when we bought our current house, as our kids were adults we had to have them on the paperwork. I can't remember now if that was the mortgage or the property details, but I do remember having to add them.

I would have a chat with your partner and explain why you are hesitant about what he has suddenly dropped on you. Personally, I wouldn't be happy for his ds to move in and would stay living in your current homes. Then, when his ds moves out relook at buying again.

You also have a serious conversation about how decision-making between you works for anything tha affects you both (what else might he unilaterally decide in future?).

You said you've been living across 2 homes ans so know you can live with DP. But you dont' know that about his son, he's only there one day a week. If he's leving his mother's because of his messiness which he obviously won't do enough about or she wojldn't be moaning - then this could go horribly wrong once living with you. If he ignores his mother he's hardly going to listen to you is he?

Pull out of the sale, he can live with his father for long enough for you to see what he's like around the house. You and DP then discuss how it will work if kids want to live with you in a joint home, including tidiness, house rules, doing their own cooking & laundry and contributing to bills.

Neither of you have prepared enough for the reality of living together in a joint home and sharing lives. Pull out of the sale.

And what if that happens next time there's an important topic to discuss?

Why haven't you gone nuclear on him?

God no, pull out.

You will end up being a housemaid to him and his son, and subsidising everything financially to boot.

A man who doesn't feel the need to tell you that his intentions for your shared new life and home involves your living with a young adult male whose own mum has booted him for being a 19 year old young man?

That's not a partnership. I'm really sorry, OP, but you need to at the very least trial living together in that situation in one home. before you lose your own and pool everything.

This just has complete nightmare written all over it.

On what basis is he moving in? Is he paying rent or because Dad said he can? what other decision(s) have been made without you knowing? it's his adult son who might just turn up with a drum kit, a pregnant gf and some unpleasant habits/issues. Just read about the weed. Stop now!! This is not going to improve in the next fortnight

“slightly more discussion”?!

There should have been a lot more! This is a joint decision, not one to be made unilaterally.

Because it’s his son. And I’m stressed. I’ve had an email from the solicitors this morning to say that they are aiming for exchange on Monday. I genuinely don’t know what to do.

It's pretty unbelievable that he hasn't mentioned this before now. For this to happen he's been speaking to his son about it? Even though it's his son he doesn't get to ride roughshot over you and do what he wants to.

As for being messy in a new home - fuck that... As for smoking weed - fuck that as well.

I would absolutely be up front in saying if he's messy i won't have it. I would also be up front to say if he's living there then he needs to pay his own way. That's what adult children do at home.

I would put everything on hold if it was me until i got some answers.

I’d be concerned that he’s thrown this on you at the 11th hour deliberately. Really bad.

If a teenager is trying to leave home because his mother wants him to act like an adult, you are being set up to be his servant. No way would I let a drug using man move into my house, especially not if he had no intention of being an active adult member of the household.

This.

Sod the actual issue to hand. Merging finances with a man who seems to think he can be the sole arbiter of what happens in that shared home, and doesn't even need to tell you about it before the decision is made, let alone allow you a say?

God no.

It's not a red flag. It's festoons of red bunting.

The lack of discussion would be very problematic for me.

As you say, it’s not about his son, or the logistics of all living together (although his presence will fundamentally change the dynamic in the house), it’s the assumption by your DP that he can make unilateral decisions about your living arrangements with zero reference to you - especially as the son’s obviously a bit of a PITA to live with, which is why his mum’s fed up with him. It’s your home too, and your financial investment that’s allowing his son to make this choice in the first place.

He may have (fairly) assumed that both your children have a right to regard your home as theirs too, but to move an adult child in with you full time without ever mentioning it before is bizarre. Who does that?!

My & DH’s living arrangements are about to change to accommodate our adult son, who’s lived away for the past 6 years. We’re very close and all get along really well, but believe me we’ve thought long and hard about whether this will work for all of us, and there’s been a lot of discussion back and forth.

It would make me feel very uneasy to be throwing in my lot with a man who thought it was ok to completely cut me out of major decisions like this.