Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

Yes this, it isn't unusual or "wacky" for some funerals to turn into gatherings.

Sorry i meant to say, i think the op meant they were all party animals or something.

It's a bit of a main character syndrome reaction to think that she'd have such a strong view of you attending a social to meet people, especially when she does it herself without all the rigmarole.

Its fine to have friends who dont overlap and to want to find your "tribe" it was however wierd and again, a main character move, to email the organiser with so much detail as to why you might not attend.

This is an entirely bizarre thread. You seem to have a dose of exceptionalism.

To set the record straight, I didn’t tell you to get over yourself 😁 I suggested as part of your message you say I’ve gotten over myself, because it’s casual self deprecating language that makes you sound reasonable and easy to get along with, to help you get welcomed back and your awkward cancellation forgotten.
I’m often cough blunt, but I wasn’t being quite that blunt this time 😁

When I was a teenager I used to stay at my friend's house and have a cup of tea with her dad in the mornings, because we got up earlier than everyone else.

I never thought of it as 'hanging out' and him being one of ma boyz! 👀🤣🤣

Missed opportunity to name ourselves the 'Kitchen Crew'.

This thread is such a good example of why we need the laughing emoji back.

Adults who are 'friends' with teens worry me.

A lot.

The other thing I was thinking as well as ASD as I was reading your posts was EUPD

I work with a vulnerable client group, children and adults and there is something about adult women with EUPD who are always having teens hanging round their flats or being friends with them.

One of my own life quotes was

"I used to think I was really special. Then it turned out I just had autism"

Its easy to feel very different from other people when you are autistic. And before you know you are, then it can make you feel a bit alien.

But OP

just do the things. Be the person. Live doing what you do and if people dont like it, well fuck them, they were not friends.

Live in your authenticity. Be who you are. You dont need to prove anything.

BUT be careful with other peoples kids. No wild parties where you laugh that they are taking drugs, drinking underage, permissive sex in your home. Thats a line that should never be crossed, however cool and with the kids you are, and no matter what YOU were doing at 15. You can end up as a social pariah, or in serious legal trouble.

Apart from that, crack on. If you open up a bit more about the different sides, you may be surprised.

4 Personas

Its ‘like’ either where I’m going wrong or what is wrong with the world

>trots off to check FB events pondering a new persona<

Jesus Christ...

I meant more like in the middle of a sombre service when there are hymns. Im aware that many are not like that., It was more an offhand comment about having SOME awareness of social expectations.

and as an aside I think again that its normal to not feel like an adult. we are always who we had been. There is no sudden shift into adult. Just a gaining of a shed load of responsibilities, and choices about what you do/dont do now you have those responsibiulities. It can be hard to 'get' that as an autistic woman. that you still feel alot younger than you are. Id say I feel Im lagging about 20 years....... but sadly have the body and stamina of a 60 year old

Op is sO QuiRkY

You're both adults. You're both allowed to go wherever you want, as well as extending your friendship circle outside of the one you already have. Clearly she wishes to do so too, or else she wouldn't go to everything as you've said. No harm in saying "good to see you here, this is a good way to make new friends", and strike up conversations elsewhere.

My kids have fabulous friends, many of whom spent loads of time in our house, came on holidays, visited our holiday house, before they went off to uni, and many of them still come back. Now that they're starting to get married we've been to their weddings. I know what music they like, what food they like, what their interests are, what their careers are, met new partners. We've been hiking, boating, out for meals, played board games and tennis and horseshoes, seen movies and concerts and plays. But they're not my friends, they're my kids' friends. I hope they know they could come to me if they needed something, but, ultimately, we're not friends.

A requirement that I have for my friends (the ones who drink, as I have several who don't) is they have outgrown this we all share a love for buzzballs and know what a decent cocktail is.

I think you need to grow up or maybe develop a parenting persona

I think your husband and son are rights that it's almost unavoidable that you'll end up mixing in the same groups.

But also you are overthinking this. If you don't mind her, then it's not an issue. The dynamic will be dictated by the group, not her. You can still say hi to her and quickly drift towards other people, it's natural in big groups and she shouldn't have an issue with this (if she does it's her problem).

Sorry but you sound weird.

But OP, that doesn’t make them YOUR friends, they’re your child’s friends. They see you as their friend’s mum.

I had an amazing mum who my friends would happily chat away with. She was good fun and always there to provide a listening ear if they had problems. But that doesn’t mean she thought they were her mates.

If she’d started talking about them as if they were her friends, or thought they’d come to hang out with her I’d have found that extremely odd.

This. A “I’m unfortunately no longer able to attend” would suffice.

OP, genuine question, don’t you think you’re too old for all this “sides” shit now?

I can kind of relate as when I was in my early twenties, and unsure of who I was, I presented different sides of myself to different people.

Now in my late 40’s, I’m comfortable and confident in my own skin and present an authentic person to whoever I meet. So everyone who knows me knows that I’m a mum, a wife, have a corporate job, like going out and having fun, also like staying at home with a book, love girls weekends, also love family holidays. And frankly, I couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks about my choices.

Ah, you’re “not a regular mum, you’re a cool mum”.
Got it.

Get over yourself.

Exactly and my husband and I are very much the same in that way. My husband for example is a walking Hollister catalogue and deffo parties hard when he can.

BTW I never said I consider my kids’ friends my friends, just that I’m friendly with them. Something my parents never did for example.

Maria, is that you?

Look, just go (if the organiser will have you now).

Be friendly with other people, say to your 'friend' , if she clings or questions , 'this is a great opportunity to meet new people , in a new context' and be yourself.

Just do it.

BTW I never said I consider my kids’ friends my friends, just that I’m friendly with them. Something my parents never did for example.

No you didn't.

You said you 'hang out' with them.