Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

Thank you, yes that’s what I’ll do, what’s the worst that can happen??

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if someone has said this before. You sound less like the multi-faceted enigma you think you are and more like someone so uncertain of who they really are that they try to morph into who they think they're expected to be in different situations. Most people get over that by the time they go to university.

I would also assume (hope, even) that most of my friends have friends other than me. One of my besties is an ultra marathoner, for example. I couldn't be happier to be excluded from that special interest group...

What do you mean you "hang out with your 18 year old and his friends?"
I can't imagine hanging out with mine and his mates!
Although going to comic cons with your teen kids sounds cool, I do that myself

I think the problem is that you’re trying to put on different personas all the time..

You’re worried that friend A sees you when you’re out with friend B, because she will see your friend B persona instead of your friend A one.

Why not just be yourself? Then it doesn’t matter who you bump into when. You’re going to have a hard time in a small town otherwise.

I don’t even know if this is modern code for ‘our kids are different ages’ or ‘my partner and I have long term second and third partners and sometimes they and their kids move in with us’

😂

I like Lego. But I'm not going to insert myself into my child's friendships because they also like Lego.

I like superheroes. DH and I watch that together, we won't be forcing our company on DD with her friends while they do.

There are other adults who like the same things. There will be forums, get togethers, shows etc you can go to.

Be an adult. You are not special because you're nerdy and like teen style things. Lots of people do, because they developed those interests as children/teens. We just do it with other adults.

This is spades.

You've made a huge drama over nothing because of this.

Yeah, we live next door to his 6th form, so they come quite often.

Sometimes they come and talk about their uni applications, sometimes about their classes.

we all share a love for buzzballs so we share them if there’s some in the fridge.

i know everybody would think that I pretend to be like that Mean Girls mum. Maybe I am, but I do enjoy hanging out with them.

ahh this little nugget explains a whole deal around the 'personas' and I was coming on to ask if you might be autistic.

Its not uncommon for autistic women, who are often more social than autistic men, to mask/ chameleon themselves in different groups. I do it and my daughter does it, but not so much with real friends, who are few but true, and usually on the spectrum themselves.

Its because we need to kind of learn the social rules within a group and then we follow them - it doesnt come naturally - its a masking/fitting in behaviour - usually because we dont entirely trust that those people would tolerate us stepping outside the group rules. So for survival..... and also because at various points we HAVE, and the social and personal repercussions have been pretty awful for us.

Hanging out with the normal people is tricky, and so it can seem like we create different personalities for different groups.

Hopefully you will find your tribe, or just a few friends who you can just be yourself. After a point (usually menopause tbh) you will actuyally, not superficially, stop caring what people think and be able to just be, whilst remembering that its not appropriate to get up and boogie to music at a funeral

I thought OP was a teenager at first !

This is what you call 'hanging out'? 🤦‍♀️

Just being at home when his friends come in, talking about education and handing them a cocktail if you have some in the fridge?

The fantastic thing about forums is the way you get insights into different people's lives, different ways of thinking.

This one's a doozy!

I know everybody would think that I pretend to be like that Mean Girls mum. Maybe I am, but I do enjoy hanging out with them

I mean, yes that's literally who you sound like lol
"I'm not just any Mom, I'm a COOL mom"
Do you say "you guys keep me young, love ya!" and blow air kisses too 🙄😁

You might think I’m joking BUT at my grandma’s funeral my aunties got a boombox out and started dancing!

my dad also FaceTimed my sister so she could say goodbye (my sister was living abroad at the time).

This actually happened.

You're ignoring all the actual advice on the thread...

Somebody said to get over myself and go, which is what I’m doing.

somebody else say they could empathise because they’re autistic (like myself!)

Exactly, people say something constructive/advice their perspective and just get another random bonkers anecdote or dripfeed instead lol

Lots of funerals turn into parties because lots of people would prefer them that way.

In some countries/cultures it's actually the traditional thing to have a huge piss up/knees up.

Having said that, not sure what your point was here?

and yes, I dont exactly 'hang out' with my young peoples friends, but I do chat with them and take interest in their stuff, and speak to them as equals because I am generally interested in what they have to say.
I would say be careful not to swamp them though. It can shift from 'cool mum' to 'bit wierd mum' quite quickly - make sure the majority of the time they are able to just be with their friends without you. Im not strict or judgemental, but we have respectful boundaries. My dos and donts may be different to some people, but its not a wild 'anything goes' party house. And Im still the parent, not the BFF

I also went to EGX with my son, his friend, my daughter and her boyfriend. And they likewise come to the theatre with me., My son and his friends often work with me in the school/uni holidays and my daughters friends did so previously. We are all ASD so share the deep dive special interest gene.

That's because she is cooler than us... she hangs out with teenagers and gives them alcohol! way cool!!!

haaha,well that was likely part of the plan, for THAT type of funeral. but you know what I mean

I wondered about ASD as well but you darent say that now on any thread

However, its somewhat irrelevant, what OP needs is social skill coaching, she needs to learn 'how to be'.

The problem with therapists is that they dont really challenge enough I find, having said in a previous post to OP that she needs this

Plus, OP you dont get 'signed off' by therapists, like its an MOT or something

I want to attend as a different “persona” if that makes any sense.

It doesn’t!

As an Irish woman, this sounds like the majority of funerals/wakes I've been to.

But the OP seems to think it's very cool or something.