Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

My skinny persona thinks I should have a salad for lunch but my badass cool girl persona wants a burger. God I'm so complex.

I think it’s pretty normal to behave in different ways either different people I believe it’s called “flexing”.

I thought flexing meant showing off?

'my bohemian friend, knows about my arty side, my party side, my designer side, my religious side, and my corporate side.' You do sound really anxious. You are displaying 'sides' to specific people, to fit in with them rather than standing out alone and saying here I am, this is me, like it or not, I move my own way through life. No matter what way you are explaining it to yourself, this is a self-esteem issue.

The OP's definitely not ok with it as this isn't her first thread about having no friends.

I miss the 😂 reaction sometimes

This made me laugh out loud.... "my designer side" like half Chanel half George at Asda....

Sorry OP... your 'comedy side' is winning today...

🙄🤔
Lots of dripfeeding about your "friend" there.
Why?
(Friend written like that deliberately as you clearly don't like her, enough to mean girl message organisers and try to create drama in a perfectly fine meet up group and that's not even touching on your self esteem issues)
Even if she is nasty/homophobic (doubtful though as seems like a massive dripfeed to get people on side) you do realise that you're both adults, right?!
(Presumably)
You don't have to mingle at the get together. Stop trying to haul everyone else into your weirdness and need for drama.

This is such an odd thread!

so many contradictions. Is this your actual personality or what you want people to think of you? I am ND and for years I did things and dressed in certain ways to evoke a reaction in people because I wanted them to think I was quirky or I wanted them to think I was fun. But it wasn't really me. I was trying to play a character. I was incredibly insecure. I am quirky and fun, but i was making such a big point of proving that to people that it came across as awkward and a bit unhinged.

Now I couldn't give a f**k what people think about me and I have much more authentic friendships! I have a very eclectic mix of interests. Sometimes they overlap, other times they are very compartmentalised. I dress for myself, not for others and I share all my hobbies and interests with everyone. If they want a slice of the pie, the more the merrier! Most of them HATE the music I am into so thats something I do alone or with my husband. One of my friends is very much up for anything and if she goes and doesn't enjoy it, still relishes the experience. Other friends are a bit more conservative. I don't think you need all these different personas, just sometimes the volume of your personality is different depending on the setting/company. That's ok.

Oh, and why would you even be friends with someone who said that about your 18 year old?
Something's off about this whole thing

For a start, stop having a homophobic bigot as a friend!
You are thinking too deeply about the way you interact with other people and presenting a false, inauthentic persona, which most of us can see through in a millisecond. Your chatter about drugs and partying and feeling like a teenager si ridiculous, coming from a woman with an adult child. I wonder what your children think about your behaviour?

The whole thing sounds bizarre. Most people are different in different contexts. No need for “different personas” and making such a fuss over nothing. I’m not surprised that most people you hang around with are 10 years younger because honestly you sound immature and socially inept. You could of just withdrawn without mentioning your friend and coming across as weird/mean.

😂

Sounds like you find her uptight and boring not "lovely" (to be honest I think I'd find her uptight and boring too plus prejudiced and judgemental).

Is the real issue about the group that you're worried she'll latch onto you which will make it difficult to talk to new people which was the aim of going in the first place? I can see how that would be frustrating.

Or are you more worried that the new people will associate her with you and assume you are also uptight, boring and judgemental? If so you're overthinking it - you are your own person or indeed many different people according to you.

Can you go for a happy medium, acknowledge her and chat briefly but then move on? Or will she follow you or sulk if you don't stick together as a pair? I'm trying to get what you mean by "awkwardness".

I too wish this 😂was still a reaction. " Half George at Asda " HA!

That’s not why! We’re a “modular/blended” family.

So sometimes we go as a group of 6, sometimes as 3, sometimes as 4. Oddly enough we’ve never been on holiday as a group of 5.

There are two things here: one is you live in a small town, and so you will be recognised everywhere you go and by people you may or may not be friends with, even if you are out with one group, other people you know will be around.

Two is this weird categorisation of your different selves- everyone has this to a certain extent, I don't wear the same clothes to go out as I do to my work, and I don't socialise with work colleagues especially- but I'm not scared of them seeing me in different ways.

You are a whole person, OP, and it's that authentic whole person who needs to start showing up. Your friend doesn't sound like your friend very much and that may be because you aren't being yourself in these situations, not your whole self anyway, and so you aren't gelling with her because you aren't being who you really are- I mean if she's homophobic and find her square, why are you her friend!

I think having someone to talk with (therapy) and going to different events and seeing how you fit with them will work better.

People don't want to be exposed to your 'persona', they want to meet you. If you like a wild night, find people who like those activities but expect them to be multi-faceted just like you, and you should show up as yourself otherwise all this pretending is stopping you actually meeting people who like you in the round, and stopping you connecting with them authentically.

I would need an Excel sheet to keep on top of all that. 🫤

I wonder what your children think about your behaviour?

They probably see it as a midlife crisis.

Whatever you do OP, don't dance with your son at his wedding! 👀😁

last time I talked to someone she said she could see “I was coming from a good place”

This means you offended her but she was giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Your lack of socialising is down to your inflated self-opinion coupled with devaluation of others.

Narcissism can be rooted in insecurity, but it's still narcissism. To give you the benefit of the doubt again, your social dysfunction could be the result of autism. As a PP mentioned, lack of theory of mind is a defining characteristic and perhaps this is what you need to fix. It can be learned, mechanically at least. Look it up.

You sound desperately immature .

OP I'm afraid I did the thing we're not really meant to do but all do and I read your other thread about friends.

You seem to be looking for people with the EXACT same interests as you and don't see different interests etc as someone you can be deep-level friends with. That's really not how it works! My friends and I are very close but all have different jobs, interests, hobbies etc and then we all take an interest when we need to/want to, and just live life around each other because that's how people maintain deep friendships, which is also something that happens over time not instantly.

It makes me wonder if you want to meet new people with a blank slate so you can then chose which bits of your personality to show for them, hence all the talk of different sides of you. And you're never going to properly connect with people doing that.

You have a nice, eclectic set of interests - so do most people! But you're not going to find out if you're just running around working out who to be and sending mad messages to some poor woman just trying to organise a get together and assuming that you are too unique and special for normal people.

I hang out with 18yo and his friends.

With the 15yo she has invited me to comicons. Her friends seem to like to talk to me about “classic” anime. One of them was pretty excited to meet an adult that knew what Neon Genesis Evangelion was and its accompanying lore.

You sound like a nightmare tbh. If this post is even real that is.

So what does it matter if she comes out and is a bit hmm at you? She’s heard enough id say! Message the organiser again and go sorry, this isn’t that complicated, I’d love to go, and no issues if this woman goes too. I just had a moment thinking she will judge me as she doesn’t realise I like to party but I’ve gotten over myself! Looking forward to it!!

Of course