Absolutely worn out, two bed wetters - please help!!

[pandarific]

Hi all, looking for some wisdom please because I’m absolutely shattered.

I’ve a 4-year-old and a 7-year-old, both neurodivergent, and we’re really struggling with night-time wetting. It’s inconsistent, which is what’s confusing us — they can be dry when staying with Nana or when we’re away, but at home they regularly wet the bed. Sometimes both of them, sometimes on and off, no obvious pattern.

We already do the usual: wee before bed, and my husband lifts them for a wee around 10:30pm, but they still often pee afterwards. I’m drowning in washing and just so tired.

I’m looking for anything that helped others:
• things that actually reduced night-time wetting
• alarms / products that worked (or didn’t)
• mattress protectors / bedding hacks to reduce laundry
• anything ND-specific that made a difference
• reassurance if this is just one of those phases

No shaming please — we’re not angry at them at all, just exhausted and trying to problem-solve. If something worked for your child, I’d love to hear it. Even small wins would help right now.

Thank you

Solidarity, 3 bedwetters here and when they all go together, often wetting through the duvets as well, it’s exhausting. It massively affects holiday choices, day to day planning and I’m obsessive about the weather forecast. Our launderette’s dryers get used on bad days. We've had the medical interventions.

Agree, get some pull-ups for them to wear. We had to do that for periods as I just couldn’t cope trying to get everything dry, especially having the wash the duvet constantly. Give yourself a break. It will happen, don’t worry 😊

OP as others have said, to add to everyone else they probably just still need to be in pull ups, especially your 4 year old. I have 6 year old twins, one has been dry for ages now at night but the other isn’t at all so he’s still in his night nappy. It’s all to do with a hormone - it’s nothing you or they are doing wrong!

An alarm resolved our 7 year old's bedwetting when nothing else would.

It didn't work straight away though (I had seen online reviews that said their child stopped 2 weeks in!)
At first they didn't wake to the alarm, but we did and woke them.
Then they would wake to the alarm just after bedwetting.
Then eventually they would wake just as they started to wee.
And then, eventually, they started to wake up before.
We continued on for a few weeks after this before removing the alarm and did not at all restrict fluids before bedtime.

It worked. It took about 12 weeks (the maximum time suggested by the alarm instructions) and we had lots of accidents on the way.

No accidents since we stopped the alarm.

We used a waterproof fitted sheet and pads whilst using the alarm so that the in the night changeover wasn't too disruptive.

You school should be able to refer you to the continence nurses. They will ask for fluid diaries, ensure no constipation. Our autistic son had a trial with the alarm which didn’t work then went on desmopressin and then oxybutynin. He’s now largely dry and no longer takes it (he’s 9). One of our issues was he wasn’t drinking enough in the day so his bladder didn’t stretch enough so we had to improve that- we bought a water bottle he liked and school monitored him more closely with drinking. Interroception (awareness of one’s bodily functions) can be off in neurodivergent people as I’m sure you know so hunger thirst etc. so may be an issue.

Good luck-it’s so so challenging but their bodies are just not able so get some help.

I also wonder whether there is any financial support you can access for the night pull ups as they’re expensive and you’re getting them for 2? The continence team may know.

Ps they gave us the alarm for free

Also to add to this, DC doesn't now wake up to wee in the night (which is what I thought the alarm would teach them to do.) Instead they just sleep through fine and go when they wake up in the morning.

I haven't read the full thread but i have an appointment with the doctor today for my 6½yr old s bedwetting, if i get any useful information I'll post it. Im expecting they'll probably just tell me all the stuff I've already tried!

Another vote for pull-ups. My NT DGD showed no signs of being dry at night until she was over seven, then suddenly just did it
and has not wet the bed since.

Solidarity from me too. My son was 12 when he finally stopped wetting, and it was soul destroying (he was obviously upset about it at that point too).

We were prescribed Desmopressin which didn't stop the problem, but reduced the volume of urine produced, so it didn't leak out of the pull-ups so often.

We were referred to the continence team and they pushed for a bladder and kidney scan, just to make sure there wasn't an underlying medical issue.

What finally did it was investing in a very loud alarm (I wish I could remember the brand) and removing the pull-ups. I suspect this coincided with his hormones kicking in, but after a few disturbed nights, he was consistently dry. 2 years later and he does still have an occasional accident, mainly when he's super-tired, but we keep the routines consistent - only drink water and milk in the afternoons/evenings (hot chocolate was/is a major trigger), double-voiding before bed (also sit down to do the wees), all the things the ERIC charity recommends.

Hopefully you'll be through it soon - there is hope!

Loads of good advice here.
My then oldest DD was 7, she is neurotypical, we used an alarm called Roger. It was expensive but excellent and the alarm bit could take batteries as well as being plugged in so handy if no socket near pillow, taking on holidays etc.
This may sound obvious and perhaps you do it already but I double dress the beds (random occasional bed wetting from my 10yr old now) with ordinary protector, waterproof protector, sheet, and then on top another waterproof protector, bed pad, and sheet. So in the middle of the night I just have to pull off the top layer and they are ready to hop in again. I never thought of waterproof duvets, like a pp mentioned, they sound great.
I used pull ups with my DD, but she wanted to get out of them herself as her younger siblings were dry at night. So id stay in pull ups with your children as long as they want.

Thanks so so much everyone this has been so helpful. It’s not getting up in the night, the kids sleep though and the in the morning we find everything is soaked. Re pull-ups, my 7yo is incredibly tall and the Aldi pull ups he just floods so it goes everywhere. I got larger ones from Amazon however he actually has eczema and sensitive skin and had a terrible flare all over his genitals which was from the wet pull ups aggravating the skin. His skin is perfect now but I don’t think he can really wear the pull ups due to this, it’s not fair on him. The 4 yo however doesn’t have eczema so could work for her.

thanks to you now have a plan to cut the washing down - swap out normal duvets for waterproof/single skin, adult size bed pads, waterproof zip in covers for mattresses.

we got an alarm from Amazon but it was the cheapest they had (skint) and was not very good so thank you for the recommendations. I’ll bring ds to the docs and see where we get to.

The washing right now is insanity - every day at least one duvet, sheet, mattress protector, double it if they’ve both gone.

This is not unusual, the peapod mats are great.

4 year old is completely normal to still be wet, and so is 7, but at 7 you can get a referral to community enuresis if that’s something you’d want - it was very helpful for my DS - main reason for most kids if not the hormone is their liquid intake during the day to strengthen their bladder for overnight - they need to have enough liquid and then have long enough between wees in the day so their body gets used to holding it. Apparently if they’ve not had enough their body holds onto it more too. But I used nappies and bed pads before we were referred and it was sorted in a few months.

An alarm worked for my 8yr old who was soaking every single night, sometimes changing the bed and then doing it again same night. We tried everything else - mats / lifting vs not / drinking lots in the day and then cutting him off early. I’d given up hope and this was a last attempt as it felt cruel to know he was going to be woke in that way - the first night it went off and there was a patch of damp. The second night was completely dry and that was it - he’s only ever wet it once since and is now in high school. I couldn’t understand it but it’s worth trying!

Reusable incontinence pants and try the older one again in the summer when washing isn’t such an issue.

haven’t rtft so apologies if already mentioned but when Ds went through this stage we used puppy mats, you can get a pack of 40 for around £5 in home bargains and they’re big!

Ds was about 9 when he stopped completely but was an early developer so I’m guessing the hormone kicked in quicker for him

Oh OP, I remember this phase very well, you must be shattered. My DS and DSS are a similar age. Both NT but both were bedwetters up to about age 10-12. I really beat myself up about it, until I actually stopped, thought about it and remembered that hormones do play a part in night time continence (I should have remembered that from the start as I'm an HCP!).

I will never forget one night around Xmas time. It was years ago and at a time that I didn't have a tumble drier (can you see where this is headed?). DSS was staying with us. DC2 was a baby (a very sicky baby!). I'd got ALL the laundry done and was all happy/chilling out in the evening. Boys went to bed. Everything was lovely and chilled. DS then came in to tell me he'd wet the bed. No problem, I changed it all (and I had plenty of clean spare bedlinen), and started a load in the washer. Then DSS had an accident. Ditto. They then each had a couple more accidents that night. And then - to top it all off - baby DC2 did a projectile vomit all over my (kingsize) bed and her cot at circa 4am. My flat ended up looking like a bomb site with all the laundry. I remember sitting in the living room, surrounded by laundry that I was desperately trying to dry, and crying my eyes out.

What I did:
-buy in loads more spare sets of sheets/bedlinen, buy in a load of kylie/draw sheets (you put on top of normal bedsheets to protect them, tuck down sides of mattress to hold in place), oh and more mattress protectors.
-I would layer up mattress with protector, then a normal sheet....then another protector and a normal sheet. Far easier to whip top layer off and then bed ready made already (and just add a Kylie sheet for extra security).
-buy in "night time pull up pants" for older kids (and get the kids to use them!).
-got on to the Eric website and bought an alarm for DC1.
-spoke to GP and he eventually prescribed desmopressin for DC1.
-explained to the boys that night wetting isn't their fault, that it is caused by a hormone that we ALL have, that needs to "switch on". And while we wait for our bodies to switch that hormone on, there are plenty of fab things we can use to make things easier and more comfy at night, so the boys can get better sleep (and feel confident/not blame themselves).

-oh and I bought a tumble drier!!

Also...with respect to people not really hearing about it 2-3 decades back...here is a thing about continence in general: it isn't talked about enough - not amongst older kids or adults (I've found). When I was young (and I'm mid 40s now), I never heard anyone talk about it. It used be seen as a shameful, babyish or dirty thing (probably that's why we didn't hear about it so much 20+ years ago!). Of course it would be talked about a bit within my work setting (I'm an HCP), but not amongst the public. Yes it is private, but then there is a very high prevalence of continence issues - a Matron once told me that 1 in 4 people have a continence problem (either occasionally or frequently)...and her telling me that made ME feel less alone - I have a hypertonic pelvic floor (which causes all sorts of issues with urinary incontinence), but it took me time to get (well, gain the confidence) it checked/assessed and then have things in place to manage this. When assessing patients, a lot would say that they had no toileting/continence issues (they were embarrassed) but then we would find out that they did. So I do think it needs to be talked about more, and recognised more. I remember asking a lady about continence and she cried because she had suffered for so long and blamed herself. I sat her down, we talked about options, she allowed me to refer/signpost her and give her info on how to manage it. I also told her about my issues (to make her feel like she wasn't alone with it). It did help her. So I now don't make my problem a secret. It happens, I know how to manage it and it happens to a lot of people.

Then again, I remember periods weren't really talked about, and then being a bit shocked (as a youngster!) at seeing period products being advertised. But really I think we all need to embrace these things, and talk about them more so we can get help and feel more empowered to manage them. Sorry...I went off on a tangent!!

Sounds very tough. I know it would probably seem like a step backwards but I had my eldest in pull ups at night until he was 6 going on 7. He’s NT but just needed longer for the hormone to kick in. Whenever we tried to get him off the pull ups before that he would wet the bed several times a week. Would you consider that? Especially for your youngest, 4 is still relatively young to be dry at night.

OP mentioned them being dry at Nana’s or when you're away. I had this too, and it was explained that the child was more relaxed and sleeping more deeply in his usual bed at home, and even when happy to be away with aunt or similar
, he wasn’t sleeping as deeply with different sounds snd smells around him.

My DD was 10 before she was reliable. Her DC (my DGC) were put on desmopressin and were on it until the hormone finally in. Just before puberty in their case. Pull-ups saved my sanity. I found the Dri-nites were the best.

edited to add that the dgc have waterproof mattresses. I thought they would be uncomfortable but having slept on one myself I was surprised at how comfy they are.

One further thing we were advised, was to make sure that DS was having large drinks during the day to increase his bladder capacity.

I feel for you. My child was very late to get the hormones and it was exhausting. Eventually (early teens) we saw a specialist who prescribed meds which were a game changer.
We tried alarms, but fundamentally they don’t create the hormones and in lots of cases like ours they didn’t solve the problem Although we had periods where we thought we had cracked it.
In hindsight I wish we’d seen the specialist earlier. Prior to this I’m ashamed to admit I did get cross and angry at times. He explained as others have said it is hormonal.
After this we bought really good duvets protectors and mattress covers so accidents could be dealt with relatively easily. She slept on a large good quality washable mat so on some occasions we could avoid changing the whole bed.
She wore pull up pants a lot and it meant we all got a good night sleep. Orange juice was a trigger. Look at diet - constipation is a huge contributing factor. ERIC website is super helpful. I can guarantee you are alone, but it’s not information people will volunteer about their child. I was open with friends and it was amazing how many would be going through similar.
I had actually forgotten we went through this, and reading your post brought back the memories. It WILL pass. Be kind to yourself and just do what makes life easiest for you all.
X

We had a couple of washable bed protectors that were a life saver. But we have girls, probably not as effective with boys...