Who should have been responsible for baby in this situation?

[Peachepan]

I’m a first time mum to a 5 month old. It’s 7 am and I was getting ready for my fist weekend away to a European city with a friend:

I woke up early as I wanted to put in a bit of effort with my hair and make up. So I gave myself plenty of time.

Baby had been fed. Dog had been let out and fed too. I told dh you’ve got him [the baby] now. Dh points out you’re not due to leave for a few hours. So I should be the one with the baby. In a sling he suggests.

Fo context, Dh got home very late from work (1:45 am). He’s a business owner. And a recovering workaholic who is having the baby for the whole weekend. He’s obviously not thrilled being tied down for a weekend but it’s only fair I get so me time. And he promised when we had the baby he would adjust his ways.

Anyway there was a lot of sniping. And I ended with the baby. It just really pissed me off. As I wanted a leisurely morning. I was anxious as I was leaving the baby, out in the world for the first time in ages, not feeling great about my body etc.

Should dh have been more helpful?

I have plenty of friends thank you. Maybe I see tjings differently as I am an older mum (babies born at 39) I have triplets and there’s just me. So popping off for a weekend away without them is near on impossible. ! (But I’ve been away plenty with them ahaving wonderful adventures nd we’ve travelled and explored far and wide). As an older mum I’d done plenty of holidays and great nights out with friends long before they came along. I see this as a different chapter - one I love, of course I have nights out (paid for babysitter comes) but the days of spending 2 hours getting ready are behind me temporarily. And certainly not something I’d complain about. It’s just a different mindset.

btw - am sure it’s lovely to pamper yourself with your mum. As im 50 odd, Mine isn’t around anymore. My dad is, he’s 88. I see him my daily to help him with daily life.

so full time serious job, multiples, elderly father - prob why Im less empathetic about op not having time to do her make up. But I guess I should realise everyone has different tjings going on.

I know how scary to think people leave their child with their own father…. Honestly 😆😆😆😆😆😆

He knew you were going away and chose to be up until 1.45am anyway.

People trying to reverse it are missing the point that almost never is the man fully responsible for the child at ALL OTHER TIMES.

I think you are being vv unreasonable and inconsiderate to expect to switch off from parenting hours before you needed to leave to ‘mentally prepare for a weekend away’. That’s was completely unnecessary whereas him managing to have some sleep after a very late night at work was far more important. I think that’s completely taking the p*ss and I would be so cross if my partner did that. We have an unsaid code that when one of us is away for a weekend, that parent steps up a bit more in terms of parenting before they go and for a short while when they get back to give the parent with solo care a little bit of a break. It’s balance.

I assume you were meaning me with the 6m shared leave. No we live in the UK, but a few progressive employers allow the man to take SPL at full pay, whereas I was only on maternity allowance.

I know several other men who I have done similar, not all 6m, but quite a few took 2-3 months, others the mum had baby from 0-6m and the dad 6-12m.

It might be rare in your circles, but things have changed a fair amount culturally, and what was accepted of men 20 years ago often isn't any more!

Where does his own accountability feature in this?

It is a passive aggressive way to punish the OP for making him do lone child care.

'A fair amount' and 'often' just isn't backed up by anything real. The dial has hardly shifted in real terms.

👏🏽 good for you that you’ve reached a point in your life that you feel you don’t want to dress up and have time out with friends.

From a mother who has experienced post natal depression I needed time by myself and so is woman should help with that and not make another woman feel bad for having some time out.

Also people are forgetting a baby has TWO parents!!!! We all know everything is on the mother in the first few years ( I mean the children’s whole life but hey) these so called men need to step up and support. End of!

Then maybe we should be trying to shift it, rather than assuming that someone is incapable of looking after a baby because he has a penis.

Oh hon that's just life with a 5 month old baby. Wherever you go you'll be frazzled. It's great you're getting some time away but the days where you could spend the morning doing your hair are gone now, for quite a while 💐

who is having the baby for the whole weekend…He’s obviously not thrilled being tied down for a weekend…

If you passed away OP, he would need to be tied down for every weekend/most of the time.

It puzzles me how parents (dads) decide to have a child then are not happy when they have to spend a full weekend parenting.

Welcome to the world of parenting. You will have to leave the house frazzled at times.

Personally I think your unreasonable in this situation. He got in from work in the middle of the night and you want him to get up at 7 am to care for the baby so you can do your hair. Your getting a weekend off enjoy it but he needs sleep to.

I'm curious how OP's husband sabotages her in other ways and over other things.

True feminist right here!!!! 😆😂

@LJ125 you need to tell that to @Peachepan 's husband fgs. 🤦‍♀️

I do a hobby at the weekend which takes me out of the house for half a day on the weekend- not every weekend but quite a few.

My DH doesn’t give me a hard time as he knows it’s super important to me (done it for years). BUT I always try and make sure he gets a few hours to himself on the other day and I purposely leave at the last minute on the day I am “out” to give him a bit of a break.

Personally I think giving your DH a bit of down time before he took over sole parenting is more important than hair etc- if he is well rested and happy it’s better for him and baby. Plus, surely you’d have time for hair and plenty of coffees over the rest of the weekend.

Primping. AHH I got very fast at that. Was years before I got that luxury back.

I'm curious how did you decide from him coming home late that was sabotage and he might do it in other ways? Ffs!

If he’s got in at 2am and you’ve done your hair and makeup, why do you need breakfast etc totally alone in silence before you go? What are you mentally preparing for? 5 months old aren’t mobile and are pretty easy so eating breakfast etc if you’re otherwise ready isn’t that physically demanding.

@Jamandtoastfortea

see I’ll never understand when people say stuff when they become parents that they had plenty of years of nice holidays, nights out with friends, meals out in good restaurants etc like there’s some internal quota for this, and once you’ve had so many you just don’t want/need any more. Is this really the case?? I mean I could say to you, you’ve had years and years of weekend, do you really need/want more now, for example? And I’m sure you’d object

Why?!

He's an adult, he can cope. He can boil some water and chuck in pasta at the very least.

@Tigger18

are they really though? Why can’t op do her hair while her baby is next to her in a bouncer?

What do you mean ‘have’ the baby -why would a baby need to be in a sling at 7am unless you are out somewhere ??
If he/shes fed and changed and winded then she lays in the bassinet /bouncy chair kicking about surely while DH naps till you go as finished work late, and you get sorted showering /doing hair faffing about packing last minute to leave no?

Just btw - I have never said I don’t dress up. Fwiw Im “dressed up” daily for work as I have a corporate role. Im dressed up whenever I see my friends or go out for dinner etc and whenever I go on days out with my kids. Feeling nice about myself is important. I just don’t need it to be a drama and these days Im speedy because needs must. Not all babies have 2 parents, sometimes I is tragically not there right from the early days.