Who should have been responsible for baby in this situation?

[Peachepan]

I’m a first time mum to a 5 month old. It’s 7 am and I was getting ready for my fist weekend away to a European city with a friend:

I woke up early as I wanted to put in a bit of effort with my hair and make up. So I gave myself plenty of time.

Baby had been fed. Dog had been let out and fed too. I told dh you’ve got him [the baby] now. Dh points out you’re not due to leave for a few hours. So I should be the one with the baby. In a sling he suggests.

Fo context, Dh got home very late from work (1:45 am). He’s a business owner. And a recovering workaholic who is having the baby for the whole weekend. He’s obviously not thrilled being tied down for a weekend but it’s only fair I get so me time. And he promised when we had the baby he would adjust his ways.

Anyway there was a lot of sniping. And I ended with the baby. It just really pissed me off. As I wanted a leisurely morning. I was anxious as I was leaving the baby, out in the world for the first time in ages, not feeling great about my body etc.

Should dh have been more helpful?

No, they're not non-issues - to some people they're almost essential to not losing yourself after having a baby. Not everyone wants to look like shit along with feeling like shit from sleep deprivation etc.

I would have let him lie in a little bit longer

We have instincts which have evolved over millions of years which men do not have. We're equal but not the same no matter how much some people want that to be true. Also, babies think they are one and the same person as the mother for the first six to nine months of their life and they start making strange when they realise they are separate individuals.

On her weekend away?

Yanbu if you told him you were going to spend some time on your hair and makeup in the morning , before leaving. It's his own fault if he chose to work until 145am. Most parents with any sense would have been in bed before 11pm.

I agree with you, a mother has instinct she is biologically programmed to look after a baby. Examples, they don't sleep deep and wake up at the first sound. Men don't have that. Plus, women lactate when the baby is crying. Again, biological iinstinct. Although I don't understand "start making strange" and I don't believe they think they are one and the same person for the first months. I don't think they think much at all, they just need their physiological needs met and nurturing.

Having sole financial responsibility is kinda stressful too tbf (if that's the case here).

When the baby is with their other parent? No wonder so many men get away with weaponised incompetence .

I'm sorry that your husband was a bit inept.

Many aren't. Mine was absolutely my equal and was (and is) a calm and competent parent. He did the first nappies, took on half of night feeds with my bottle fed baby, took 6m parental leave with each. In many ways he was more competent than me early on - I remember coming down one morning with him having totally cleaned the kitchen with our 4 day old baby in the sling, and breakfast ready for me. I couldn't multitask as well as him.

And yes, with our first (bottle fed one), I went out for the evening from about a week in because he was perfectly competent. I went away for the weekend when she was 3m because he was perfectly competent.

He didn't 'know' about babies before, but let's face it, they aren't rocket science 😂.

Too many give excuses for having the bar too low.

You have a 5 month old and are going without them to Europe for the weekend and you are complaining about not having enough time to do your hair? FFS!!! Id be wanting extra cuddles with my baby. You’re a mum now, spending hours getting ready takes a back seat. Im imagining you’re v young and want an instagram life? The real world isn’t really like this and Your baby won’t be little forever…

I think you’re completely missing the point here…. He is a workaholic ( his choice)!!!
Our darling mother here works full time…. No break! I bet the DH in this gets to have a shower whenever he wants and never has to ask DW to ‘watch the baby’….. I bet DH gets to go for a shit at any point of the day yet DW has to take the baby with her to the toilet and enjoy a shit with two eyes staring at her. Ohhh the list goes on!!!

OP- you are not being unreasonable to want a bit of time to make yourself feel a little glam!

Ya DH is in for a shock this weekend, go and have fun and let your hair down. He’ll be ok! Baby will be ok! DH may appreciate you a bit more when your home.

check in when your back.

Have fun!!!!!!!

You and your husband sound very privileged if he was in a position to take 6 months parental leave each time. Most families don't have that luxury.
It's not just a question of setting the bar too low, it's mainly down to personal circumstances which vary greatly from couple to couple.

Also, most women are the primary carers of babies even in the West and fathers who are not are more likely to make mistakes. This is human. That's why fathers are statistically 3 times more likely to forget a baby in the back seat of a car than the mother.

Sadly unless you have a nanny you will pretty much slwsys leave the house frazzled from now on. Whether you are all set and baby suddenly needs changing, to a toddler who is refusing to put their shoes on to pre teens who decide to move at the pace of a sloth despite knowing they had to be in the car 5 minutes ago, you can be as ready as ready, but they’ll drive you crazy! Embrace it, nothing lasts forever!!!

so many people on MN act like men are heroes if they have to do 1/4 of what women are expected to do.

But are said women bringing in a 1/4 of the household income or working a 1/4 of the hours the man does? Because if not he's arguably doing more if he's the sole provider.

Wow….. I’m in shock that this even came off your finger tips!

To be a great mum/wife/friend…. Us mums need time out!

You'll hate me- I’m 38, love a weekends away with friends, love nights off to go dancing, love time out to go and sit with my mum and have a face mask on watch crap tv, love doing my hair and make up for a special occasion, love my family time, love going for dog walks…. The list goes on to things I love on my own and things I love as a mum. Neither make me less of a mother to my DD!

I really hope in 30/40 years time when you’ve given every hour of the day to your child and your child’s living abroad enjoying life tire not lonely, because you haven’t spent any time on yourself with friends!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it a fact that babies don't realise they're separate from their mother for a good few months? That's when and why separation anxiety kicks in for them.

Your husband sounds useless, I’m
60s and my husband and all my friends husbands were more than capable of looking after their own children,

Experienced with babies or not!

No “catching”’up needed at all.

It really sounds as if you're not in this together re parenthood. Your dh is not supportive at all. Sorry.

op- don’t feel you need to justify how you spend your time to anyone!
Frick me your DH should have allowed you to have some you time!

I'm self employed so it made sense. It wasn't privilege, it was planning, and a man who wanted to take an active role from day 1.

Lack of privilege isn't what stops some men from mucking you with parenting there is it? It's a misogynistic belief that having a penis somehow gives him a get out of parenting card. One that many women seem to reinforce by assuming that just because their man is rubbish most are.

Oh, and in the early days it was him that woke at the slightest stir to feed baby, whilst I was still asleep. So this 'only mums are tuned in ' line is just rubbish. I was more in the ball with my bf baby because he couldn't feed her, so his subconscious alert status was lower.

Our kids are now 6&8 and have (for different reasons) both got chronic sleep issues. For most of that time he's been working whilst juggling sleep deprivation, just as much as me.

I'm wondering if the posters who are all 'you go girl' would respond the same if the dad were off for a jolly for the weekend and didn't want to take care of the baby before going because he was grooming himself / going to the gym or something. I expect we'd be hearing LTB.

@Jamandtoastfortea

Noooo, some women still care about these things - hair and makeup - even after becoming a parent. And you know what? It doesn’t make them a better or worse parent than one who has stopped caring what they look like. There are no rewards for being a martyr and depriving oneself.

You said it before I could.
Some women are misogynists.

Sorry to disappoint you but he's a great father and once our ds was a bit bigger he was spending as much time on childcare as I was. I am just pointing out that in the first year babies are particularly vulnerable and mothers are programmed to look after them in a way that men are not. I am in my sixties and have never met a man in my age bracket or younger who has taken 6 months' paternity leave - they're as rare as hens' teeth - do you live in Sweden by any chance?

lol I’m a ‘you go girl’ fan!!!!
but let me burst your little bubble for one moment….. I have a husband who has weekends off and goes away, wanna know what I do for him so he has his own time…. I take our DD & 2 dogs to my parents for the weekend so he can fully relax!
Get off ya high horse and start showing more woman support!!!!