Who should have been responsible for baby in this situation?

[Peachepan]

I’m a first time mum to a 5 month old. It’s 7 am and I was getting ready for my fist weekend away to a European city with a friend:

I woke up early as I wanted to put in a bit of effort with my hair and make up. So I gave myself plenty of time.

Baby had been fed. Dog had been let out and fed too. I told dh you’ve got him [the baby] now. Dh points out you’re not due to leave for a few hours. So I should be the one with the baby. In a sling he suggests.

Fo context, Dh got home very late from work (1:45 am). He’s a business owner. And a recovering workaholic who is having the baby for the whole weekend. He’s obviously not thrilled being tied down for a weekend but it’s only fair I get so me time. And he promised when we had the baby he would adjust his ways.

Anyway there was a lot of sniping. And I ended with the baby. It just really pissed me off. As I wanted a leisurely morning. I was anxious as I was leaving the baby, out in the world for the first time in ages, not feeling great about my body etc.

Should dh have been more helpful?

He’s not babysitting. He’s looking after his own child. Why does he get a chilled out morning? You’d done everything. He doesn’t do anything when he goes away and doesn’t come back until early morning.

Not being unreasonable. The problem in this world is the woman tearing down other woman for wanting her own time and the men get a free pass bcos he is a man and there is no expectations for them. Woman sleep 4hrs a night broken sleep, still get up at the crack of dawn, work a full time job, do the full time hrs in the house, do all the child minding and activities while the man gets to do what he wants and has a spat about having to get up early to look after their own kids. In my opinion, he should have gotten home earlier from work knowing your going away, he chose to stay out all night not you. You are ABSOLUTELY ENTITLED to your own morning especially when you got up and did absolutely everything anyway to make his morning easier. You woman saying she is being unreasonable need to wake up to yourselves and be ashamed or maybe look at your own relationships and see where things are going wrong if you think a mother is not entitled to her own time and a father gets off Scott free. Your the problem with why woman are burnt out and too afraid to reach out for help or feel ashamed for wanting more from their partners.

If I’m going away for a weekend for the first time since having a baby, and my dh chooses to stay out till 2, im pretty fucking unimpressed. He was already booked to look after this baby, including while I get ready in the morning. So he sucks it up and parents.

I think you should say when you get back now that I know having baby shouldn’t stop you getting ready for the day even when it’s a one off like going away, I’ll be taking an hour long walk before you leave for work, you can prep and look after baby, it’s just your regular work day. And do that - he needs to treat you the way he expects to be treated.

If DH expected me to look our baby while he got ready after I hadn’t slept much and was parenting baby alone for a couple of days I’d tell him to get lost!

When she's away at the weekend I'd assume!

God, I miss the laughing emoji 😂

I think he sounds a bit selfish and obsessed with more work tbh. It's not like you are asking this every day! He has a family now to consider too not just himself. Some narky comments towards you on here. Hope you can sort things x

I was ready to be on your side but I think it’s unreasonable given the time he got in and that he’s having the baby all weekend. Also, if you’re anxious about leaving the baby wouldn’t you want the last few hours with the baby / getting everything ready for baby? I’m struggling to understand though as I couldn’t have left either of mine for a weekend at 5 months.

I completely understand OP and don't think you are unreasonable at all. Maybe because I had a husband that said all the right things about taking time for myself etc, but really resented it when I actually did. You 'feel' that even when you actually follow through and it puts a damper on it.
He knew you were leaving. Whether people think it's reasonable to take that time getting ready, he KNEW you wanted to and I assume had plenty of notice of that. 5 hours sleep isn't the end of the world, we've all done it, some run on much less.
Where's the encouragement and support, the wanting to make this first, important weekend easy and enjoyable from the start. Don't listen to anyone telling you that leaving your baby is wrong, they're the weirdos, not you and clearly only want to make you feel worse. 😊
Like I said, I had a husband that, on the surface and to anyone else, "didn't mind" if I did things but was very clear that it was inconvenient. Actually, the last time it happened, I had a work conference and I could not go unless I arranged for the kids to stay with my parents.

I hope you have a fabulous weekend!

Sounds like neither of you actually like spending time with your baby.

If I was leaving my baby for a whole weekend (well, I wouldn't for starters), I'd want to spend the morning with her and get as much quality time in before leaving.

Your baby sounds like a chore to you, just another thing off the to-do list. Poor baby

Sorry I think if he was looking after a 7 month baby alone for the rest of the weekend you should have let him have a lie in.

Could you not have done quite a bit of this last night and/ or done your make up on the train/ plane etc?

Mums have been minding babies on little sleep forever. A dad can do it for one day. We also don’t know if the late night was even necessary or just bad decision making on his part. Also, what difference would having the baby have made to the husband. The baby could stay in bed beside him while he rested or, like mums always here, he can sleep when the baby does.

I actually don’t bash men but I’ve seen enough relationships were women break their backs for their husbands and kids, and when they ask for one thing in return, like a quiet morning to get ready for a holiday, it’s met with resistance and and argument. This is not fair and we deserve better.

hard disagree on this being about a woman wanting free time. I genuinely think if this was the other way round - DH is going away for the weekend and demanding she gets up at the crack of dawn so that he can take his sweet time getting ready - then the votes would be way less even. It would be all ‘LTB’!

apart from working and earning the money to pay the bills you mean? how dare he 😂

You are being unreasonable. I’d be livid if my partner asked this of me when he was already going away.
If one of us is going out for the day we make sure we help the parent staying at home as much as possible before we go.
I had a night away in the summer, I washed my hair and packed the night before then did my make up quickly in the morning and went. The night away is already the treat 😂

You're both being a bit unreasonable. My DH would have happily had the kids so I could get ready however its far from a chilled time as often would be sorting final stuff that needs doing so would never have a couple of hours to get ready in peace, and TBH got harder as the kids got older and they had busy schedules for sports etc. Even now they are teens its super stressful going away as always so much to sort. We muck in together and I always make my expectations clear in advance in particular re times and what needs doing whilst I'm not there.

Its funny though, I will do everything in advance to make DHs life easier when I'm away eg sort dog walker to take pressure off, do the food shop whereas he, well, just leaves the house!

This.

Sorry, I agree it's unreasonable to expect to have a few leisurely hours to yourself before a weekend away. I think it's courteous to shoulder more of the load before you go on a jaunt, if you're able - and you were able.

She’s off on a jolly getting plenty of down time !

I grew up with younger siblings and had a lot of experience looking after babies growing up. Most men my age would not have been involved in the care of babies growing up with some exceptions of course. That's just reality.

TBH most women I know (sixties) would not have have left a baby in the care of the father overnight unless there was an emergency.

My husband, like most men, had no prior experience with babies until ours came along. He panicked once when DS was a few days old and got the hiccups for the first time. DS couldn't breath properly between crying and hiccuping and DH panicking. He arrived in the kitchen with the baby held out at arms length saying "Take him! He's not breathing!!. I sent him out of the room and calmed DS down as babies sense when the parent is stressed and that stresses them even more. After that, there was no way I would risk leaving him on his own with a baby. I was fine leaving him on his own on he was a toddler.

Men have a lot of catching up to do as until quite recently their involvement in childcare was quite limited.

Yabu

My husband, like most men, had no prior experience with babies until ours came along.

what experience do you think most of us women actually had with babies until we had our first?

It is really not a competition why do you turn it into one? Why people do this? In this instance, OP dh came from work very late. OP wanted several hours to get herself ready. No need for that, OP was due to go to holiday dh was staying home with baby. In this instance she should have given him more time to sleep at least an hour or 2 and do her make up with the baby because she would have time to rest after which he didn't. Is that simple. Yes, mothers do it all the time but is the way it is, if the husband is working is no one's fault. Couples should work as a team not score points against eachother. The poster I quoted called the dh pathethic, this bothers me with no context people are quick to bash the man no matter what. I also do not agree with the posters bashing the mother for taking time off and being "oh, I could never do that, to leave my baby blah blah". That's fine but who asked you? Mind your own buisness don't go around being all sanctimonious and judging people, you are jo better for staying with your baby on the hip for 2 years, just your way to do it and that is fine. Give your opinion on the situation if you have one, don't judge and don't call people pathethic you know nothing about.