Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

You're just mismatched with this friend unfortunately and you both want different things from friendship. That's not a big deal but you probably can't be friends.

God preserve us from people constantly messaging one another and expecting immediate responses. What are you, 12?

I agree it's quite needy of her, and there isn't always time for lengthy whatsapp chat. It's strange if you've been close friends for so many years that she doesn't 'get' when you might not have time for a full on back/forth chat over text. With my own mates, it always seems quite obvious on either side when that's the case.

However, as an aside, I can't understand your point that 'I have a partner and also live with extended family' makes you so 'busy' - if you were an A&E doctor or, I dunno, the Prime Minister, you might have a point. But otherwise, I do think friendships need maintenance and it only takes a few seconds to respond.

I also think it goes both ways. I have one friend who is pretty demanding when she wants attention/contact but doesn't quite give back in the same way if I have a need to chat to her. It hasn't badly damaged our friendship or anything - BUT I do think a bit less of her because of it, and she's not the first person I go to when I need support with something. I doubt she'd notice that it feels a bit one-sided, so perhaps think about whether or not this might apply to you.

She's being ridiculous.

Why do you need to be a slave to your phone? The OP shouldn’t have to reply she is busy.

She’s expecting life updates every 3-4 days - ridiculous! I’d expect life updates from a friend living the opposite end of the country maybe every 1-2 months if you were good friends. People have their own lives, why would you need to know what your friend is doing every 3-4 days? Sounds like the friend needs to live a busier life!

That's exactly it

Block? Rather than, you know, have an actual conversation with this friend and just realign her expectations? Bloody hell. I'm glad I'm not one of your friends if you're this unforgiving.

I think that's actually quite hard work. Updating someone on your life is difficult if you don't see each other regularly. I find that hard to do with friends who live far away. I prioritise visiting them instead when the conversation can be more natural.

OMG yes, this is a lot of contact!

So you've changed the goal posts. You were happy to have these exchanges when you needed them, but now you don't so you're not interested anymore.

And you haven't explained it to her, you're just getting pissy that she's surprised there's a sudden change and reacting to that. That's on you. Communicate your needs and intentions and let her decide if this is a friendship she wants to pursue.

I can see why it might be annoying, but it's not as though this is new behaviour from her. It's how you've always interacted previously and now you're changing it because you have a partner and don't want the same sort of friendship with her.

Personally, I'd think you were rude and a bit self centred. I assume you let her psychoanalyse your issues when you needed her, but now you're happy and don't want to do the same for her. The very least you owe her is a proper explanation. You shouldn't have to do something you don't want to do, but don't act like she's being stifling if this was previously a set up you got something from.

Wowzers. This is more contact than I have with my sister, and we're close.

Set your friend's expectations clearly. She is expecting updates every 3-4 days, which is very needy and with someone like that, an update then leads to a back and forth which becomes time consuming and distracting if you are living in the real world, with family commitments, work etc.

decide what your capacity is to send her messages and let her know. Tell her that if you get busy you won't have the capacity to keep grabbing your phone or tablet because it may not be convenient.

if she insists or doesn't like what you say, then just quietly quit, maybe she isn't a good friend match and time to move on,

quite honestly that would do my head in and I wouldn't be giving in to her demands, but that's for you to decide how much the friendship means to you.

Op I would find that needy too.. some of my friends it might be months til we meet. Jobs elder parents etc. They would not be replying if I was texting few times a week we all too busy.

She's coming off needy and clinging and very draining and the back and forth for hours, I could not and would not do that. She sounds like a bit of an emotional vampire wanting excessive attention and your emotional focus be on her for prolonged periods.

Personally, I would either see if she would back off and manage her expectations even though that sounds unlikely, and if she couldn't, end the friendship.

I think it's quite normal to be busy with your partner and to give him your attention when you're together.

Surely as your life goes on this intensity of friendship ebbs and flows. What you had to offer in your twenties and suited you both doesn't suit at different stages.

The book 'Let Them' is very good on this. People often get stuck in a twenties type of model of friendship and get upset when that changes but it's inevitable and typical and fighting it doesn't stop it happening- you can then choose what to do about it, like have more friends closer to where you live, branch out into new circles, allow friendships to have more intense and less intense periods, make the effort to travel to see them. If you demand they make it like in your twenties again, you will be on a hiding to nothing.

Friendships aren't a legal contract and you aren't owed a certain investment, you have to make it doable and enjoyable to be friends with you and if you don't and you make it harder and not what the other person needs, you will lose the friendship.

This is misguided as often life gets easier again as it gets older and old friendships can be revitalised or perhaps you get some new friends so it's less central.

No one is expected to do it. But using excuses of how busy you are doesn’t wash. The OP is making choices.

Why not? My friends say they are busy, I say I'm busy, we all understand what 'busy' and I'll catch up in a week or two when I can means? Why is it taboo to be too busy to have long emotional back-and-forths with a friend?

I can see how posting on MN takes a different sort of headspace than engaging in a conversation (via text/messenger/whatever) with one person, or even a group.

There are plenty of occasions when I can post on here, but struggle with the more personal interactions. I do explain this to people, and apologise for my lack of response, and I hope that my friends understand, and don’t condemn me.

I hear you OP. Lots of comments on here to the tune of 'it only takes a few seconds' etc but if you are doing that a lot, every day, every week for multiple people, it can absolutely suck the life juice out of you. I have direct experience 😂There are a lot of people (friends/relatives) who I know want more from me that I am able to give at the moment in terms of communication and sometimes people fall through the cracks. I honestly do try and communicate with people who I care about regularly and thoughtfully especially if they are having a hard time but realistically I could spend most of my life on whatsapp if I really did the maximum expected.

I haven't read the whole thread but a thing I find helpful are voice notes - one long distance loved one and I keep in contact purely that way. I wonder if you could leave her one saying something a bit about how you are feeling. You understand, you care etc but you are juggling a lot and struggling to keep on top of all the comms at the moment. Might take the pressure off without hurting her.

Yes, but the problem is that OP hasn't made this clear and she's expecting her friend to be on the same page. I also don't necessarily think this is something that naturally happens in all friendships; I've had some ebb and flow, and others that haven't and remained just as strong and "intense" throughout my life.

OP is within her rights to want less intensity, but it's unfair to make out that this is her friend's problem. All she's done is continued in the same way as before while OP has changed with seemingly no warning. They've both been stalwart in supporting one another, and now that OP has moved onto a stage in her life where she doesn't need that level of closeness, her friend is wondering what's going on.

But then again, this is Mumsnet where no one has close friends, everyone is NC with their family, and god forbid anyone answer the door! Meanwhile in the real world, people can strike a balance and communicate their emotions and needs to reach that balance without going scorched earth on long term friendships.

It's a very short sighted idea to start shoving friends away when in a relationship. Friendships often stand the test of time, as OP's has until now. I wouldn't be shaking off old friends for DH if you paid me, and I'm very very happily married.

I’ve had this with a friend before, where I was you in this situation. It became a big bust up. We compromised on me texting “I’m busy right now but will respond later”. Acknowledging her message, but also not needing to take the time there and there.

totally surmountable problem, even if you do feel resentment (like I did!) for being told how to communicate.

fast forward 5 years we’re still best friends despite living in different countries. Shared expectations around comms is crucial for any relationship to thrive, friendship or otherwise.

Did later in your situation mean later that day or week though?

I feel like this would still feel quite suffocating, because you're expected now to add replying to your to do list and will receive consequences if you don't.

Everyone's different so I'm genuinely glad that worked for you, I do find it interesting how different everyone is with this stuff. When I start to feel on a short leash and like our communication pattern is being monitored it just makes me recoil completely and struggle to persist with the friendship.

I totally agree with you and this is how I would feel too.

Friendships are so important and need to be nurtured just as much as romantic relationships. I see so many posts on here from women at all stages of life, some new mums, some child free, some happily married with teens, and others divorced or widowed with grown children who have flown the nest, and they all have one thing in common: loneliness.

Friendships have come and gone for a myriad of reasons, and sometimes that really is beyond our control. But letting them go because of poor communication or a new shiny relationship is a first class ticket to loneliness, and I feel like this, "if it requires effort then I don't have time for it, I'm busy with my own life" attitude that's knocked around often does women a real disservice.

It’s happened to me in a situation similar to this but I was actually going through a mental health crisis at the time, and she just didn’t bother with me. When I very nicely and gently said that I would appreciate a bit of contact when she knows I’m struggling, she blew up at me, accused me of being too much , and left in there sat in the cafe to pay for our just delivered drinks. I was absolutely heart broken we were the best of friends, and it still hurts now. She herself had struggled with mental healthcare, but much like this situation , was in a good place, new relationship and it seemed didn’t ‘need’ me any more . Despite the fact I just helped her tremendously in many ways through her divorce, with finances, solicitor, mortgage etc. I still feel absolutely betrayed.