Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

I don't think anyone should have to be in constant contact.

Most of my friends will message at least once a month to a few times a month. My best friend we message daily but it's not a problem if we have a break of a day or two.

Bit of a difference between a few days and going weeks or months without contact.

I support my friends always and they in turn. But we have a healthy relationship for us.

However, I would tell them life is a bit busy at the moment and I'll get back to them soon or if I'm having a phone break.

Communication is important but so is not being a slave to your phone!

The sad thing is that people like this don't realise the more they try and squeeze someone and pull them closer, the more people rebel and move away.

They end up lonelier and squeezing the next one harder next time.

But that's not for a friend to fix. They can recognise the pattern and do something about it. Or expand their life so their eggs aren't all in one friend basket.

I have a hunch some of the people on this thread having a go at OP are like that, and have experienced that loss of friends before due to being overbearing, and it left a wound.

Everyone has different expectations about contact within a friendship so there’s no right or wrong, just what you’re comfortable with which can change over time.

Personally, I’m a relatively low frequency contact friend (I prefer doing something together in person than texting/phoning) and I’d find the frequency of contact with your friend too intense. There’s no one I text daily. I’ve muted a few different WhatsApp group chats I’ve been added onto because they’re too much of a chore.

The OP sounds like she’s becoming resentful of her friend’s neediness and I don’t think she should be made to feel guilty about that.

I once had a close friendship that I really tried to keep making work, but I got to the stage that I dreaded seeing her name appear on my phone. I realised that we were no longer compatible as friends.

What does your family and other close friends think of this relationship OP?

She sounds rather exhausting. I think you'd be entirely justified in explaining that you care about her but don't often have the time for lengthy messaging conversations.

Thanks for the reply. You sound like a thoughtful friend. It doesn't sound like either of you are BU really, as you've said you're just in different situations with different needs at this point.

I don't know what exactly she said to you, but I guess I feel, if she just expressed loneliness but you then converted it into a perceived obligation on you and then resented her for it, that's on you a little bit? In the same way that, if she doesn't feel she has enough nourishing relationships in her life, that's ultimately on her to try and solve (though that can be easier said and done). Are you possibly being a bit perfectionist about trying to be the perfect friend/partner/parent/whatever to all the different people in your life, and would you resent her a bit less if you were putting less pressure on yourself to meet all her (and others') emotional needs? I think you might just have to accept that she may feel a bit lonely/neglected at times, as (I'm guessing) a single person living alone, and that won't always be something you can solve. My guess is you might actually be a better friend to her long term if you take some of that self-imposed pressure off yourself and feel able to stay friends as a result, rather than letting resentment build up and maybe letting the friendship go because of that.

Do you feel able to have an honest conversation with her about some of the stuff you've shared here, and how the friendship might evolve in a way that works for both of you? Do you want the friendship to continue?

I have these conversations with my two closest friends but they require far more time and a far greater emotional investment than a quick response.

I have two friends I have very long WA exchanges or phone calls with but they happen every couple of months.

I don't have the time for them a couple of times a week.

I mean, I probably do but it's equivalent to having enough money in the bank to buy something I really want but not being able to afford it at the same time.

In that, if I have an hour, I can only use that hour once. If I have other things to do but spend the time messaging a friend instead, the other things I need to do won't get done. And, yes, sometimes I am going to prioritise those things above having a chat.

If someone lives alone, works from home (so no commute), doesn't work or works part time, they are obviously going to have more available time than if they are out of the house for 12 hours a day and get home to a partner and children. And yes, sometimes people have to prioritise and yes, sometimes there will be higher priority things than chatting to a friend.

In my teens I learned that people can only give you what they have got to give and that goes for me too. If that doesn't meet expectations well that is a pity but doesn't mean that people have anything more or different to give. I also learned that this can vary according to life stages. OP if you haven't got what you friend needs now, then that is a shame but not your fault or hers.

I'm with you OP, can't stand sending pointless messages

Seems like people are missing that she's sending lengthy VOICE MESSAGES. So it takes 5 mins per message to listen to (unless you're speeding it up), and then she's expecting the same back.

Any normal friend you could just say 'hey, I'm on holiday at the moment, will text/call when I'm back', and not getting a telling off in return.

I think it depends on the kind of friend.

I have one friend I speak to every single day, have done for over a decade. It's not banal stuff but neither is it a chore to discuss deeper topics. Yesterday we discussed work, kids, politics, books and the novels we're writing. Lots of humour throughout. I'm not glued to my phone at all.

Another friend I speak to a few times a week. Longer bursts of conversation, again nothing banal.

I've never been asked to give "life updates" like it's a Christmas round robin. I hate those sorts of exchanges.

I have an acquaintance who wants messaging every single day back and forth, and that is banal shit. I have zero interest in what she's making for lunch, if she's got new body wash, what the price of eggs is in Lidl, if she's getting a new couch, and she's waiting for Amazon to drop off a parcel. I don't reply to her often. I don't see her as a friend, and she absolutely throws hissy fits when I don't message her back in kind. I have to remain friendly for various reasons, but I don't enjoy it.

If this the kind of "friendship" you have with your friend, OP, then I get it. But if she's actually someone you care about, I can't imagine not wanting to chat to her. I love my friends dearly, I'm extremely busy with my job, kids, DH, pets, hobbies, but I always find time for them and it's never a chore. We have a lot in common and I thoroughly enjoy our exchanges.

People's views will always differ vastly on this. Personally, I think your friend sounds clingy, intense and entitled. But there are always people in these threads who feel very differently.

This is the problem with messaging g these days that people cant wait for a response.

Unless it’s anything urgent or important my friends and I take several days to respond to each other and no one is offended.

I honestly have no interest in idol meaningless ‘hi how are you’ type messaging - I couldn’t deal with anyone who was needy over message response times.

I’m with you. I couldn’t deal with that level of neediness

That would be a bit full on for me tbh, she either has a lot of time on her hands or just wants to keep in regular contact.

Having heard she sends voice messages about issues and thoughts and wants to input in your life too with lengthy messages back, I'd be out.

I don't even have that with my best friends! It's just more than I could manage on Whatsapp.

I do have two friends with whom we do that kind of VM intensively for a couple of days, but probably once every few months we exchange them, not weekly.

More than that it would be too much for me.

I speak to the kids once a week on whatsapp, short messages and d ft from the States once every week for about an hour which is great. In fact she's due to call anytime now, I love our catch ups and to see her on screen. She sometimes does baking while we talk and sometimes craft projects, I'm there with her so to speak. We love a dance session too and generally having a daft m and d time too.😀

I agree with this - took me a long time of one sided effort with a friend to get the message, both just were in different stages in life. I wanted to make an effort to maintain the friendship when the fact it, it had gone quiet for a very long time. No issues, it just is what it is.

You’re making her feel that you only bother with her when you’ve got nothing better to do. And it’s true, isn’t it?

I despise voice notes! You’re forcing people to listen to your voice and they may not want to. A written message will suffice!

Not for the busy OP it won't

Time for an honest conversation with her,bshe needs to back off

Ditto. I despise them and I don’t listen to them.

Thankfully only one of my friends ever sends them and we laugh about how they go unheard.

They're an awful way to communicate imo.

"respond to her musings and then psychoanalyse my relationship, soul search, bare my insecurities and ask for her input into my life"

Is that how the relationship used to be, and both ways? But now you are more sorted and don't need it but she still does? She can't fathom the 'new' you?

It depends… I had a friend who expected/wanted daily, multiple times a day messages. When you’re a mum, wife, work, have a life it’s hard to constantly be messaging. So yes I did grow resentful of this and the ??? Or you’re taking ages to reply messages just because I couldn’t text properly for a few days.

If your friend isn’t hounding you daily and messages once a week or two for a catch up then yes you probably would be bit unreasonable for a one line response or emoji reply.

This