Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

That's not a friend but some sort of vampire who transfuses back to the OP. I'd be letting that 'friendship' drop, she sounds like she needs to off load to a therapist .

I'm so sorry, that must have been absolutely dreadful. It's really sad when you think you're on equal footing and working on a basis of reciprocation with someone, only to have that dragged out from under you. Some people get caught up in their own worlds, and while it's true that it shows what kind of person they really are, it doesn't make the taste any less bitter.

It sounds like you were a lovely friend to her. I really hope you're doing okay now. 💐

I agree. I work 6 days a week (at 75 years old) but always make time to text a friend. I have a long term friend who doesn't respond for days and then says "she wasn't in the right place" is overwhelmed with her life although she doesn't work at all. When I said so she called my needy but I feel if you don't have fairly regular contact you can lose the closeness especially, as in this case you live a long way away and don't see each other much.

Well I’ve come to eat humble pie. Being expected to be in constant communication throughout the day, rather than communicating every few days, is very different. It’s a style difference so she can’t have a go at you.

It's not being a slave to your phone. The phone itself is irrelevant, it's not like mindlessly scrolling. It's about communicating with a friend.

What about before phones? People would pop in and see each other, or chat in the street, a brief chat about their day or just sharing a pleasant moment. Admittedly, this meant physical proximity mattered but then phones mean you can have the same sort of sharing without that.

It doesn't need to be "life updates" either. It's hard to put into words what I mean, but its more about sharing life rather than living your own life and providing "updates" to "stay in touch". Think about the sort of little communications you have with people you see everyday. Some people do that (or want to do that) via text.

I find it really odd the way people seem to stop sharing like this. It's a sort of diaengagement. Even if they send a text or make a quick call, it's somehow distant, as if they are not really there. Not enagaged.

I don't know if it's an age thing, or something about living in this time period, but it's sad. The sense that we're all "busy" in our own lives rather than interconnected.

*Edited to try to explain better

** disengagement !

Yes!
This is the sort of friendship so many people don't seen to comprehend. Sharing thoughts and life, not banality and not a chore.

Exactly this! You explained it brilliantly in your post! It's like living alongside someone in a way, conversations don't necessarily get finished but instead spill into another topic, or get interrupted by another train of thought. I have so much time for friends who share like this with me, they really add something to my life and I do my best to make sure they're getting the same from me. It never feels like ticking off a task on a to do list.

Interestingly my initial response was being absolutely livid - how dare someone demand particular forms of communication from me?! But actually , after a week, I’d cooled down and thought - what’s the alternative - that I lose this friend because I have to add something to my “to do” list, or that I just give a little bit and still have a very close, very hard to replace friend.

idk, meaningful friendships come by so infrequently as we get older, and I really think we should treat them as preciously as we do romantic relationships.

reflecting on your point about recoiling - it might be worth asking why you have that particular reaction. For me, it’s because it’s what my mum always does. Once I understood why I reacted like I do, and realised the situations aren’t equivalent, it makes it a lot easier to think rationally about it.

But she’s asking for constant updates. I have a good friend who lives 3 hours from me (she moved for her DH’s work). We won’t message for months (both busy working Mum’s), occasionally check in and when she comes back to where we live, non stop talking over a coffee. That’s proper friendship where time doesn’t change the fact you really get on.

Writing messages about what’s gone on in your life is tiresome, so agree its much nicer having a chat in person or on the phone. In reality, phone calls are less popular these days and no one does them, which is why everyone messages. I think once a month to catch up on life either message or phone calls is more than enough when she doesn’t live close. Friend sounds very needy wanting life updates after 3 days???

So beautifully put!! ❤️

The friendship you mention sounds great. I know exactly what you mean about certain friends, you can go months without seeing them but when you do it's like no time has passed.

But as for "Writing messages about what’s gone on in your life is tiresome ..." you seem to have missed my point. I'm talking about the sort of friendships where you share the day-to-day, thoughts and feelings, just sharing life. Human connection. Not providing updates like some dispassionate news bulletin!

Do you honestly find it tiring to connect with other humans? I wonder if this is the problem underlying the societal mental health crisis - people are too busy doing stuff to be able to engage and connect as humans. I always thought maybe they were just busy with other humans, but perhaps not. Perhaps the depth of connection is what’s missing, almost entirely.

Don’t most people connect with other people all day long at work, partners, kids etc? The point op is making is why should she be needing to constantly connect on her phone when she wants to cut off in the evening? Everyone feels differently about phone use and op is clearly finding it too much.

Its not a change in society - im sure I wont be the only one who can remember their home phone ringing and my parents saying ‘who’s calling this time of night’. It was probably 9pm. Now its very normal to have multiple chats with messages till late in the evening. You wouldn’t have called a friend who lived far away every 3-4 days in the days before mobiles, so why should her friendship be judged on whether she replies practically daily or not?

If I was her, its time for honesty. Tell her friend she really values her friendship but she doesn’t do constant messaging and its naking her feel overwhelmed. Chat on facetime once a month and have a proper genuine chat.

Same!!

But for OP it does. And tons of people seem to think she ought to just suck that up. Even though her list of interactions shows plenty of connections in their interactions. This is making her stressed and unhappy. Why does she just have to absorb that?

I think you have hit the nail on the head here.

I share with the people I live with, that's the whole point.

I also share crap like what I had for dinner with my mum.

I can't share that type of stuff with friends as they are not interested and I have too many friends. If I updated friends every three days, I'd be texting someone several times a day on rotation and that's just not what I can give to a friendship. My best friend I speak to about every two weeks, but it's been every two weeks for over forty years and if there's a crisis, it would be daily.

I don't think this is why people are lonely. They are lonely because they don't reach out to the people around them in their local communities, shops, voluntary work, join local groups etc. It is what are called 'loose social connections' that are more predictive of loneliness and the bad health effects of that; close friends come after that.

This isn't a crisis of friendship, in the past people didn't talk every three days to someone at the other end of the country, they talked with who was close by.

No one is suggesting that OP has to. If that isn't the kind of friendship she wants anymore, despite it having been the norm for her and her friend previously, then she needs to communicate that clearly with her friend.

As it stands, she's got her life sorted and a new partner, and doesn't need her friend to discuss these things with anymore like she used to enjoy. She wants to change the way the friendship works. She's entitled to do that if she really wants to, but she needs to realise that her lack of communication of these changes is causing her friend to feel confused and likely hurt.

She's acting like her friend is suddenly stifling her, when in reality all she's doing is the same thing she's always done - which they both used to do for each other. That's not her friend's fault. OP wants to redefine the boundaries of their friendship, so she needs to speak up and do it properly rather than just being wishy washy and leaving her friend in this weird limbo.

I think you're either being disingenuous or havent understood the situation.

Of course human connection is important.

The point is when you have IRL human connection where you are constantly sharing your thoughts and swapping thoughts back and forth with the people you live with, local friends, partners, family, it becomes challenging to then repeat all of that in writing or over the phone, multiple times a week, multiplied by the number of non local friends and family you have.

If I were required to provide this level of depth and frequency to every friend I have, I quite literally would not have time to earn a living.

What especially irritates me is that if she goes eg to stay with her parents for a week, or on holiday with a friend, her communication drops off. And guess what? I get it....

That's a lot of projecting.

This has been an issue between us for years now.

Its not the first time we have had this discussion and actually we had a big argument about it around 3 years sgo.

A few minutes every 3-4 days is hardly a lot. It doesnt take long to say how your week is going or what you've got coming up. A back and forth for a few hrs is still only minutes, you dont need to reply immediately if its not convenient. You dont really sound any busier than the average person, in fact living with a partner and extended family is literally just living for many people. I live with 4 adults and almost a zoo of animals. Life is hectic but I make time for friends, if I'm too busy I'll respond but say I'll message later as working or doing x,y,z.

If you're not interested in the friendship thats fair enough but your excuses are frankly bizarre. Your updates are just telling us all why you're reasonable when others are saying your not.

I don't think this is anything about living alone.

I live alone and am very scant with communication. No news is good news. Delighted to hear from you but equally delighted not to hear from you.

I don't need other people or their communication to fill my day, nor solve problems. I am there 100% and very reliable. But I don't give away my thoughts, ideas, nor respect easily (am a Taurus!).

This includes family and friends.

My newest friendship (since 2 years) my friend is still getting used to me. Every month or so, we have a 30 min convo on the phone. We do share a hobby interest. But she has remarked am not great at communication and my reply is I'll communicate when I want to 😬.

Bottomline, it's your friends personality not living status that affects how often she communicates. And it's your boundaries you've responsibility for.

It's not projecting, I'm not sure if you know what projecting is.

I'm going solely off the information you've given. If you've argued about it previously, what exactly was the outcome? Did you set your boundaries and stick to them? Explain why? In your OP you describe not wanting her to feel rejected, etc., so I'm assuming you've continued to keep up the contact at the level you are. If you aren't happy then it's still your own making for not sticking with the boundaries you've set (if you've set them at all).

My point still stands; your friendship used to be one way, and now you want it to be another way. If you're either not communicating that or breaking your own boundaries and blurring the lines, then what do you expect her to do?

Do you actually even like her? Because none of your posts sound like you do. I wouldn't dream of talking about my friends like you talk about yours. If you don't like her and the friendship has run its course, be honest about it and let her go and find someone else who she meshes with more deeply. She obviously has a different style of friendship than you do - one you used to enjoy and now don't anymore. It's you who has the issues here, not her.

I think it’s really rude to respond with an emoji.

I'm not being disingenuous.
Perhaps I wasn't clear though - most of my comments have been about friendship more generally, and to some extent what I think your friend wants, rather than this specific situation.

As far as the specific situation goes, I do think it's uncalled for to not respond within, say, 24 hours, to a message asking how you are. You could easily reply in a few seconds, saying you're ridiculously busy but you hope she's closer to resolving XYZ thing you spoke about. Written in a kind tone.

It was a bit of a massive drip feed to mention you'd actually had an in depth conversation or two not long before!

I feel for your friend though. It seems clear it's you that has changed, meaning she has lost a good friend. It is always sad to lose a good friend, and obviously contributes to feeling alone. I do wonder what it is that has made you change. Unfortunately some people seem to drop friends, or at least not really enagage, once they are in a romantic relationship. (Then come crawling back for support when they are single again!) If you have been having in-depth chats I'm not saying this is you, but something has made you step back a bit. Maybe just lack of geographical proximity?

You now mention that you are "constantly sharing your thoughts and swapping thoughts back and forth with the people you live with, local friends, partners, family", but previously made it sound like you only share in this way with the people you live with. If you're keeping up a decent sharing community and many relationships outside the family that's great, and precisely what more people should be doing!

You don't need to have that level of friendship with everyone. But as I said above - she was clearly one of the few you did choose to share like that with.

Agreed it's crap if her communication drops off when on holiday! The sort of sharing friendship I have written about would mean still sharing whatevers going on. Could you perhaps use this to explain to her why you can't always reply in depth (but do reply briefly!)

I feel for her though. Even if it's absolutely completely reasonable for specific friends to become distant or fall by the wayside ... it's horrible to feel alone. Every single one could have a totally understandable reason for disappearing, but it doesn't stop the resulting situation being soul crushing. Please have compassion for that, at least.