To feel a bit snubbed not to be invited to wedding?

[hogany]

I get people can decide who to invite to their wedding but it doesn’t stop me feeling that it was a bit rude not to invite me.

Context is that this is the wedding of a childhood friend/family friend. My mum and her mum are best friends, and we would see each other every single weekend growing up. We would see each other on Christmas Day and also used to go on holiday together. Since we turned about 20 (5 years ago), we haven’t seen so much of each other as we both moved to opposite ends of the country. We’d only see each other once or twice a year.

But as our families are so close, I’d always seen myself going to her wedding, and obviously we spoke about it for years. Turns out that the wedding invite is only for my mum (dad passed). They’re having a smaller wedding of about 60 people so they can afford a fancier venue. Further context is that they already live together and own their place so no rush for that.

Honestly they can invite who they like their fancy venue is what they want, you seem to think they should wait for a bigger venue which might never happen, i am sorry you are upset it but it really is what it is.

60 people is really small. You haven’t been close for 5 years. They are entities to have the wedding they want in the venue they want at the time they want.

You are entitled to feel however you want of course but I would never expect an invite to a wedding of someone I have barely seen in 5 years.

The reason is they have not invited anyone they're not close to. If they invited people they used to be close to, or the family of Mum's best friend, it would no longer be a small wedding, which is what they want

Has your mum been invited on her own or with a plus one? Bit strange if on her own.

If I was having a wedding of 60, there’s no way I’d invite someone I’d barely seen in 5 years.

I’m sorry but you haven’t spent much time together in five years and it doesn’t sound like you are close friends. The only reason you spent time together in childhood was because of your parents and clearly you have not chosen to maintain a close friendship once you became adults. I think you are being a bit entitled here.

I can see both sides. Like you we had family friends, and grew up with their dc, who I didn't see regularly as we got older, but I did invite them to my wedding, with their parents. I viewed them as cousins in a way. That said, if the wedding is small, they have probably had to cut the list and prioritise friends and family they see on a regular basis. I would send a card and wish them well.

How well do you know the partner?

Maybe she thinks you’ll go as your mother’s “plus one”?
Check the wording of your mother’s invitation

I don’t think 60 is small for a wedding at all - my wedding was smaller and by no means a small wedding. Anyway, not the point!

She can obviously make her own decisions but you are absolutely entitled to your feelings. The sad thing about weddings is it does force people to break their potential guests down into tiers. And sometimes if you’re a guest on the receiving end of that you find out what tier you’re actually in.

Do you seriously imagine someone you were friendly with as a child because your parents were friends, but whom you’ve barely seen for five years is going to shoehorn you into her 60-seater wedding venue above people she has an actual relationship with?

You aren’t in her top 30 people, it’s not a big deal.

I can see why you’re a little stung, but I also think it’s reasonable that she didn’t invite you. You haven’t maintained a friendship as adults and 60 people is a relatively small wedding (if you’re giving your guests plus ones/inviting all their partners). Essentially it’s 30 people you choose, and it’s reasonable that you’re not in the top 30 given your relationship.

Your mum probably wasn’t one of her top 30 people either, but it’s a favour to her own mum to invite a friend or two.

60 isn’t that many people, 30 each side.

I didn’t get an invite to my godson’s wedding, my parents did. His Mum is lifelong friend/practically sister of my Mum. I was surprised at first, but then found out how small the wedding was and then understood

Ha, I had the opposite side of this at our wedding! Mother in law insisted that we invited both daughters and their husbands of her best friend and the son and his wife of her other best friend even though I had not met any of those people and my husband hadn't spoken to or seen the two daughters or the son for over 20 years.

So I had to pay for 6 extra people when I had no idea who they were. Tried to say no (well, DH tried to say no to his mum) and she went in a massive sulk, cried, said her friends would be "devastated" if their adult children and partners weren't there, the works. It pissed me off as I hadn't invited my mum and dad's friend's adult children and husbands/wives even though there were a few of them I had seen and still spoke to, and they completely understood! My mum and dad just had their friends there. DH gave in for an easy life and it's weird seeing the pictures now and seeing randoms at our wedding! My DH has literally only seen them at our wedding, prior to that hadn't seen them in over 20 years and yes, you guessed it, in the 8 years since the wedding has not seen any of them AT ALL. Doesn't even engage with them on social media or anything. So may as well be randoms to him too.

LOL I’d expect as well as she knows the friend shes barely seen in 5 years

I think everyone is missing what the AIBU is about. Yes you’re within your rights to feel snubbed and upset, I would too. Although your lives have changed and you don’t see each other much you grew up together and very close and probably feels almost like family so I get the upset at not being invited

This! She’d looked at who is most important in her life (and presumably more present) and there were at least 29 other people ahead of you!

You’re being unreasonable. She doesn’t want a huge wedding in several years’ time, she wants a smaller wedding now, which is completely fair. With only 60 guests, by the time you’ve invited family on both sides, it doesn’t leave much space for friends, so obviously she’s going to prioritise the people she’s closest to now, rather than historical friendships that have become distant.

I don't think you've been snubbed, you haven't got a close relationship with her and live miles away. Just think how many people she now knows and is closer to than you - university/college, workplace, social or hobby groups - and with only thirty people to invite, you didn't make it because you're not really close any more. It's just a fact, not an insult?

60 people means 30 people each - ish. Family will take up half of that, plus half a dozen friends each and their plus ones. That leaves one or two spaces for parent’s friends like your mum. At a wedding for 60, unless you are current very close friends (and it doesn’t sound like you are) I wouldn’t be expecting an invite in your shoes.

I understand why you are disappointed but I completely understand their decsion. As pp said bride as 30 guests. Mum dad, sibling and partner, couple of aunts and uncles. Grandparents. Niece and nephew. Likely only leaves space for 5 or 6 friends and partners. I think it is really generous they have included parents friends like your mum.

I am sure if numbers were not limited you would ne invited. You just arent in her top 30 - be honest is she in your top 30? Do you expect her to change venue?

Ye had a situationship not a friendship.
I don’t know why you think ye are friends, you have hardly seen her in 5 years!
Time to give your head a wobble OP

Yeah I'm shocked that you're shocked!

I'm having a wedding of 60 and basically not inviting anyone I've not seen or spoken too further back than a year! Also both me and my partner need to have met everyone coming, apart from one exception who is a partner of someone who won't know anyone.

Wedding invites reflect what your life and relationships currently look like, not childhood nostalgia.

30 people each is tiny, as pps have said. That barely covers family for many.

Throw in the fact you haven’t see her for five years and it’s not surprising, or any kind of snub.

I wouldn’t expect your Mum to have a plus one (as pps have suggested) for a wedding that small.

They’re entitled to have a fancy venue and fewer guests if they want - probably a good idea as they’ll enjoy it more.