To feel a bit snubbed not to be invited to wedding?

[hogany]

I get people can decide who to invite to their wedding but it doesn’t stop me feeling that it was a bit rude not to invite me.

Context is that this is the wedding of a childhood friend/family friend. My mum and her mum are best friends, and we would see each other every single weekend growing up. We would see each other on Christmas Day and also used to go on holiday together. Since we turned about 20 (5 years ago), we haven’t seen so much of each other as we both moved to opposite ends of the country. We’d only see each other once or twice a year.

But as our families are so close, I’d always seen myself going to her wedding, and obviously we spoke about it for years. Turns out that the wedding invite is only for my mum (dad passed). They’re having a smaller wedding of about 60 people so they can afford a fancier venue. Further context is that they already live together and own their place so no rush for that.

Exactly, my DH has 5 siblings, I have 27 cousins, 60 doesn’t go very far.

Once you include all the relatives, 60 people total doesn’t leave much room; and some people have a lot of relatives. I’d wish her well and assume she’d have invited you if there was room, but there isn’t. Are you invited to the evening reception?

We had a wedding with 40 guests and we paid for an extra few more at about £100 each. It really doesn't go far as DH and I chose 20 each. That didn't even include all family members. We had closest friends with their partners & kids, grandparents, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews but not all aunties and uncles. We couldn't afford a big wedding. They'll just invite who they see regularly :)

To be fair the OP says she understands they can invite who they want - she is also entitled to feel how she wants in return! Especially as her mum is invited, who you wouldn't imagine the bride feels closer to.

I had a friend whose wedding I was surprised not to have been invited to, especially as she invited one other friend from our circle who I wouldn't have thought she was closer to. That's of course absolutely fine and her right, but yes it made a bit of a statement and I have rather backed off from the friendship since (not cut her off, but certainly made less effort than I otherwise would have).

Your emotions are valid OP, people can absolutely invite whoever they like but it's alright to feel disappointed and sad that you're no longer as close as you thought.

Yes but often with old friends that is the case, particularly if there's a lot of geographical distance. She doesn't say they've had no contact. Personally, the older lifetime friends were the more important ones to have at my wedding, the ones that have been with me in the landmark moments, rather than whoever I've been at the pub with recently. OP's friend perhaps doesn't think like that, but it is ok for OP to feel hurt that their friendship isn't valued as much as she thought it was.

I get that it's a smallish wedding, but it would have been nice to have been asked to accompany your mum as she's going to be on her own. Sounds like you have a lot of history with this person and were once pretty close. Or they could have asked you and your mum to just the evening, it wouldn't be an issue then.

To those that are questioning my controlling behaviour comment. It is controlling because the bride knows full well that inviting the mother but not the daughter is going to cause some sort of tension between the mother and her dd. She is creating a hostile family environment by putting mother and daughter on the opposite ends of the divide. The mother will probably feel a bit guilty going to the wedding knowing her dd is very disappointed by the lack of invite, but also conflited not wanting to let the bride down. The bride knows that there will be some form of discussion that will take place between mother and her dd when the invite is received. The bride is in full control on what that conversation will entail. It is a nasty thing to do, and yes controlling!

I’m not saying that OP should have expected an invite given the size of the wedding and limits on numbers etc, but so many people seem to be jumping on the “well, you haven’t seen each other in 5 years” bandwagon. I only manage to see my two best mates once every two years or so if we’re lucky (we’re based in the South East, South West and Brum), though granted we all message regularly on WhatsApp, all have kids (which obviously makes logistics of availability more complicated), and send each others kids birthday and Christmas presents etc. Only seeing each other face to face once in a blue moon doesn’t mean our friendship has died.

60 people is a tiny wedding. When DH and I made our list, we were at 60 relatives before a single friend was on it.
@hogany try it out yourself. Start writing who you would have for your wedding guests if you were to be planning one, multiply by 2 for your unknown fiance's guests and you'll be surprised how quickly they add up. Then have a look at costs of venues! Friend of mine is just looking at a marquee in the grounds of a stately home, no entry to house itself, and that's £17k inc catering for 80 people. Why shouldn't your 'friend' have a wedding in a lovely venue? That's obviously more important to her than more guests which would probably mean they can't afford the level of country house/barn/beautiful place but instead have to pick the village hall level. That's fine if that's what a couple wants - I've been to lovely village hall weddings, but it isn't what they want.

I understand where you are coming from but we don't know how close the bride is to the friends she has invited or how many of her landmark moments they were there for. Perhaps as many or more than the OP.

I'd love to hear the brides take on this!

Are you normally this much of a drama llama?

I can’t begin to tell you how many invitations to weddings my mother has had where I was not invited, and vice versa. We rub along regardless without the kind of hostility and hysteria you seem to see in completely ordinary situations.

Look at it this way - 60 guests is 30 each. Assuming that bride and groom invite 5 relatives each (and it could well be more), that’s 25 each. If each additional guest brings a plus one, that’s about 12 guests each. That’s not actually that many, so it’s perhaps unsurprising she doesn’t invite someone she doesn’t see that regularly.

Just send her a card and wish her well.

You are seriously suggesting that the bride is planning her entire wedding guest list based on the maximum amount of harm she can cause the OP? Really?

Yes I completely concur with you
I think as well, as original commenter's Mum is invited & you would usually add a plus one, it would be natural to automatically, invite her daughter too💚

This is an absolutely mental response to your mother being invited to a wedding you aren’t invited to.

in my house it would go:

mum: oh (childhood friend) is getting married!
me: lovely, I’m happy for her.
mum: they’ve invited me; isn’t that nice?
me: yeah that’s lovely. Wish them well from me. Fancy a coffee?

They've obviously invited OPs mum out of respect for the historical relationship, and maybe she is invited as a guest of the bride’s mum rather than a close personal friend of the bride. It would be even more insane to fall out with the OPs mum or create ‘tension’ over something so so stupid and inconsequential. THAT’s controlling, not having a small wedding. Bloody hell.

I'm sorry you feel snubbed. But with such a small number of guests, I think it's actually incredible your mum got an invite.

Greetings original commenter 💚
I'm sorry to hear this & I'd be confused due to the fact your dear Mum's invited, as she sadly can't bring your Dad, I'm surprised as to why instead, Your Mum's plus one, couldn't be yourself? 🫂Especially I empathise because you & your friend had discussed being at one another's weddings, previously - It's natural to feel disappointed & I hope your friend will reflect & consider your feelings too🙏
Wishing you all the utmost very best
💚🫂💚

Small wedding and you're not as close as you were 5 years ago. Fair enough as they.need to limit guests. Send them.a lovely card and wish them well.

Yes I think I would expect to be invited too. But if she or her partner have large families maybe there just isn’t room and you didn’t make the cut. Remember out of 60 she only has 30 invites.

It's a small wedding and you've not been close to her for 5 years. I wouldn't expect to go, honestly. It's a normal part of life, losing touch with people. How many of us are really still close with our early childhood friends? Not many, I bet!

It's unfortunate but not unexpected nor unfair, Op.

Given that you once were so close, still send your friend best wishes on her wedding day.

You could also offer to help her out in any way. There might be a dog that needs sitting, a family baby who needs wheeling around the block or an old relative who could do with a lift home from the reception.
Try not to harbour bad feelings.

YANBU for being disappointed not to be going, even as a plus one for your mum.

YABU to be aggrieved at her decision to have a small(ish) wedding at a nice venue which eliminates a lot of satellite friends and perhaps more distant relatives from the guest list. But then I had 18 at my wedding so I maybe would say that.

I remarried 4 years ago and DD married recently - both weddings were for 60 - so 30 guests each - when you include immediate family and close friends that doesn't leave a lot of space for acquaintances which is what you are - so sorry, but YABU

Things change, people drift apart, youve rarely seen her in 5 years and live at different ends of the country
I wouldnt invite someone to my wedding that id not seen in years why would she?

I don't think you have been snubbed, they have a very small number of people, 30 each, once you take family into account it's probably half that number.

I have a uni friend that got married recently we were really close for years, but due to work and family and living in different parts of country didn't see much of each other over recent years. I was invited to the evening celebration, and fully understood reasons for not being able to invite to the day.