To feel a bit snubbed not to be invited to wedding?

[hogany]

I get people can decide who to invite to their wedding but it doesn’t stop me feeling that it was a bit rude not to invite me.

Context is that this is the wedding of a childhood friend/family friend. My mum and her mum are best friends, and we would see each other every single weekend growing up. We would see each other on Christmas Day and also used to go on holiday together. Since we turned about 20 (5 years ago), we haven’t seen so much of each other as we both moved to opposite ends of the country. We’d only see each other once or twice a year.

But as our families are so close, I’d always seen myself going to her wedding, and obviously we spoke about it for years. Turns out that the wedding invite is only for my mum (dad passed). They’re having a smaller wedding of about 60 people so they can afford a fancier venue. Further context is that they already live together and own their place so no rush for that.

I totally understand your disappointment but its probably no reflection on you, just that 60 guests at a wedding, unless you have a VERY small family is difficult. That's only 30 guest per bride/groom and sometimes family members and best friends easily account for that. Parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandparents, Uncle and Aunties, its a minefield.

I have one brother, and one natural sister and a stepsister. If I was your age when I was married, for me, it would have been Mum, Dad and his wife, my three siblings and their partners and their kids, 4 grandparents - thats already 16 people before I get to Uncles, Aunties and friends.

Not everyone wants or can afford a big wedding. Its sad but its just life.

Accept it with good grace and wish them well.

60 people is really small

Erm, I don't think so. You must know an awful lot of people to think that. We had about 40 people at our wedding and would have classed that as small.

There's no way I would invite someone I've barely seen for 5 years to my small wedding.
I had the bestest of friends when I was younger but now they mean nothing to me, sad but true.

I am wondering what I would say if someone I hadn’t seen in five years crashed into my life and told me it would be better to have a big wedding in a few years time rather than a smaller wedding when I wanted it.

Do you think there might be a reason she doesn’t want to invite you - or really maintain contact with you, OP?

This.
In fact it's so obvious it shouldn't even need saying.

It's only 60 people, so, in average she can only invite 30 people. That is a minuscule amount, so she had to make hard choices. Maybe 20 family members plus five friends and their partners. If friends have children, then the number of adults is even lower.
You must come to terms with the fact that you are not that important in her life anymore.

I can understand why you feel miffed not to be invited but you said yourself that they are having a small wedding. It really is up to the B&G to choose the wedding they want as a priority rather than worry about inviting/not inviting friends and people they know.

Be happy that your Mum has been invited and you can look forward to chatting with her after the event.

It's ok to feel a bit disappointed not to be invited. The bit that is unreasonable about your post is the last sentence, which implies (I think) that as they already own their own home they should delay their wedding so they can save up for a bigger venue. WTF?! It's entirely up to them if they want to get married sooner and/or not spend a fortune on their wedding day.

Some people have big families. Maybe the bride or groom do, a few siblings, aunties, uncles, cousins and their plus ones.

It's not like the guest list is made up of 60 friends.

30 per side includes themselves, parents, siblings and partners, grandparents is still living. After that, maybe 20 people... That's 10 friends and their plus one.

Are you really in her top ten friends if you haven't seen her for 5 years?

We had a 60 person wedding and it was so difficult to make the numbers work. We had to really narrow it down to our nearest and dearest (which to be honest worked out wonderfully and I’m glad we did). But in those kind of numbers I definitely wouldn’t have had space for the family friend who I’d barely seen in 5 years.

Sadly it’s a part of life that people drift apart, don’t be offended by it.

For most people, they have to make difficult decisions on guest list, unless budget is unlimited. You aren't a regular feature in her day-to-day life, so haven't been invited.

Her 30 guests could easily be something like:
Herself, Parents, siblings, siblings' partners - 6 people
Grandparents - 4 people
Cousins plus family - 12 people e.g. 4 families of 3 or 6 couples (this is a conservative estimate!)
Current close friends plus partners - 12 people
Close family friends of her parents - 2 people
That's already over 30. So if she invited you, she might have to disinvite a cousin or a friend she sees more regularly.

It's a shame, but ultimately comes down to money usually.

I'd be a little sad but I'd understand. 60 is a very small wedding and you haven't been close for a while.

We are at an age where our friend's children are getting married (as are ours) and we aren't always invited. It's inevitable, Unless you are the Peltz-Beckhams, numbers will always be limited. We appreciate the invitations we do receive and for the others we enjoy catching up on the photos and gossip afterwards, as do our DC.

ETA - my best friend from school has been married 3 times but geographical and financial constraints meant I only made the cut on her third wedding. She's still a really good friend. Fingers crossed I get included for the fourth!

If you listed your top 30 people including family would she make the cut?

Even if the wedding was a much bigger affair, you would be unreasonable to expect an invitation for someone you haven't been close in 5 years!

But as our families are so close, I’d always seen myself going to her wedding
do you keep in touch at least via social media/ whatsapp, or do you really only see each other once a year just because you bump into each other?

She's inviting your mum, that's a very nice gesture: your mum is not HER friend, but her PARENTS friend and she still invites her.

Of course it's not rude not to invite you, you are the one who is being rude here!

I think it depends on how many relatives they have and have they invited children or not. If they do and have a few cousins with children - the numbers will add up very quickly.
I also wonder the same as PPs if she sees you as a childhood family friend rather than her own personal friend, nothing wrong with that but it means her own personal friends will naturally go ahead of you.

I can see why you are sad if you’ve wanted a closer relationship though.

60 people IS small - that's 30 for each, so at most 15 couples, even less if you have to invite children. Once you invite your parents, sometimes grand-parents, and siblings , it barely leaves any room for friends.

There's nothing wrong in having small weddings, but most people have to make a lot of cut to limit to 30 guests each.

We had 100 people at ours, which was considered relatively small. That meant no cousins on either side, just aunts and uncles. If both sides have even medium sized families, you can get to that easily. We woulf have hit 60 with just immediate family and their partners before starting on friends.

I think it depends on your family set up if you are of an age where there are still grandparents, if people are going to be coming as couples or if they are families.

60 is likely to be a harsh cut off

We had a few families of 4 in ours, if we had got married a few years earlier they would have been couples, or a few years later they'd have been teens that people would have been happier skipping the invite. I'm slightly jealous of the people that got married young before there was a high number of spouses and kids

My best friend invited all our university gang to the wedding when we numbered 12 spaces, now inviting that group would be about 40 odd people because we are mostly married with kids.

We did about the same number and it allowed for very few friends, we didn't have all our cousins or even all our parents siblings because we both have a parent who is one of 6. Simply inviting our parents and all of our aunts and uncles would have pushed us over.

If you've got 30 invites each, assuming a typical set up where everyone only has 2 kids .
2 grandparents
2 parents
1 sibling their husband and their 2 children
4 aunts/uncles (1 sibling of parent and their spouse on each side)
4 cousins and their families (assuming each aunt only had 2 kids, who only had 2 kids)

Boom you are over without a single friend, brides maid.
If you then factor in anyone having more than one sibling, step families, friends etc

As an aside I wonder if people think we capped the number because we wanted to have a fancy venue

We did want a fancy venue but actually we wanted people that we felt really comfortable with because I would have felt uncomfortable with a larger crowd. We wanted intimate over the venue.

We had a cut off of who we would invite for dinner, who had definitely met my wofe or who had visited our new home (within reason, a disabled aunt and people that would have if they've lived closer!)

Their reasoning for having a small wedding is nothing to do with anybody else and you shouldn’t concern yourself with trying to figure all that out as you barely know the bride any more. Yes, you were good childhood friends but neither of you has made much effort to see each other in the last few years.

Having said that, I think the bride might still have wanted to invite you as your mum’s plus one. Obviously, with a small wedding, difficult decisions had to be made.
Don’t worry about it. Send a lovely card wishing them a happy day,

Replying to @Patchmelinda I feel like the sad loser who never gets a plus one because everyone knows I still won’t have anyone to go with 🙈 been attending all manner of functions alone for years now.

We had just under 50 at ours and we really struggled.

It’s 25 each but if everyone has an established partner it’s really only about 12 guests each. As you couldn’t not invite someone’s partner- I wouldn’t go to a wedding without my husband. Therefore we didn’t give plus ones, only to people who had partners and they were named guests. So I wouldn’t be assuming you were your Mum’s plus one. We were set on 50 though. Originally we wanted 40 but it was just too hard to do as all of our friends are married/in long term relationships so it felt like we were only getting 10 guests each.

Nothing to do with the money. We wanted it to be as intimate as possible. You say you see her twice a year- how often do you chat? I had a rule if it wasn’t someone I regularly chatted to they didn’t make the cut.

I think that your Mum is more likely a guest of her mum at the wedding which is common for parents to invite their riends too.

60 is a very small number given the people who are currently in there lives and then all the family as well.

60 people wouldn't even have covered mine and my husband's close family!

Also I think a plus-one is a cultural thing - definitely not done in my circles unless you have pots of money.

Are you actually friends or are you friends just because your mom's are friends? You see eachother once a year but are you in contact otherwise throughout the year? Do you see each other when you visit home or do you make effort to travel to eachotehers houses?

It is ok to have feelings, but if you see someone once a year without regular contact and effort for weekend visits then it is understandable to not invite.