To feel a bit snubbed not to be invited to wedding?

[hogany]

I get people can decide who to invite to their wedding but it doesn’t stop me feeling that it was a bit rude not to invite me.

Context is that this is the wedding of a childhood friend/family friend. My mum and her mum are best friends, and we would see each other every single weekend growing up. We would see each other on Christmas Day and also used to go on holiday together. Since we turned about 20 (5 years ago), we haven’t seen so much of each other as we both moved to opposite ends of the country. We’d only see each other once or twice a year.

But as our families are so close, I’d always seen myself going to her wedding, and obviously we spoke about it for years. Turns out that the wedding invite is only for my mum (dad passed). They’re having a smaller wedding of about 60 people so they can afford a fancier venue. Further context is that they already live together and own their place so no rush for that.

Because it's a small wedding, she probably didn't want to invite your mum either, but as she's your mum's best friend, she probably felt obliged to for her mum's sake.

I really wouldn't see it as a snub OP.

How many people have tons of people in their current life? I suppose if people have big families then that number can be reached easily.

We had 50. DH has 3 siblings who had partners, at the time he had 4 nephews/nieces plus his parents, so that was 12 right off the bat. We had only two single guests and the rest had partners and some had children. Like I said before, it was tricky putting together a guest list,

Did you read the part where they haven't seen each other much in 5 years? The mind boggles..

60 people weddings fill up incredibly fast just trying to include your own families and the people you’re in regular current contact with. Obviously if they were having a larger do I’m sure you would have been invited.

YANBU to be sad you aren’t going but YABU to feel snubbed.

Don `t wait for the invite to arrive
> invite yourself

If you're not close friends, why would she ask you?

For the best effect, show up in white and wearing a veil, crying ‘No one snubs me!’?

Snort

The idea that 60 is small for a wedding lol.

We about 40 at the day and then a further 30 at the evening and it was insufferably big and stressful. Spent the whole day feeling like I was herding groups of cats and chickens.

My honest advice to ANYONE getting married would be to only have like 20 people of less, just your absolute closest people you can relax and be yourself with. Do not waste time/money/energy inviting 50 or so people your not close too but feel you 'have to' invite because otherwise they'll bitch on mumsnet. They will not make your day 'better' just far more 'stressful'. At virtually any other thing inviting 60 people would be thought of as insane.

A marriage is a contract between TWO people and requires TWO witnesses. No one expects to be entitled to witness any other contract like a house exchange, divorce, birth registration etc... you wouldn't even think to invite an old neighbor, school friend, coworker, family friend to witness those things. People only want to go to a wedding for whats in it for them, they like the free food and party not because of the 'marriage' or the people getting married in most cases.

Or crash the first dance à la vicky B

Yes YABU, and I think you realise that.

60 people is small, that's 30 people she has to pick- no wonder you didn't make the cut.

For context, I'm getting married this year and we're basically inviting everyone we know- the guest list is currently 180 people and counting. We can only do that as we're having it in a very casual village hall type place with lots of space, as that was our preference, but if they want a fancy venue with a cap on guests that their choice.

Exactly. I think people forget that when you want to invite a friend you need to invite their partner, or sometimes children. So one friend can instantly become 3 invites gone.

I’ve planned a 50 person wedding and 10 spots were taken up by children. Parents and siblings and all their partners was an instant 15. Including said children, Thats 25. That’s half the guest list gone and I’ve not even started naming actual friends or including their partners/plus ones.

Of course its lovely. However it just really adds up both in terms of numbers and cost.

We had a small wedding because we found that we would either have an intimate wedding or a ginormous one. A small wedding actually caused less hassle in terms of invites. Eg I work in a large office (60 people) its easy to invite no coworker then it is to try and invite half of them. The boundary was then clearer.

Between us we have 30 aunts and uncles alone, let alone cousins etc. We quickly realised that cousins were coming at the expense of people we were actually spending time with on a regular basis.

60 people goes really quickly if you consider an immediate family of 2 grandparents, 2 parents, a sibling their spouse and their 2 kids, one aunt and uncle per parent , your two cousins from each of your aunts and their children already puts you over

60 people is 4 families of 4, and 7 couples each.

It's also a massive bloody expense, its not uncommon for a wedding to be 80 odd quid a head, and you begin to look at your mums best friends kid and wonder if you'd normally spend that much to spend time with them

Equally large weddings are overwhelming for some people.

I wanted to have a wedding that felt like a big coming together and a laid back atmosphere, where there were warm faces of the people that I loved staring at me when I came down the aisle. Other people love a massive party and dont struggle with the huge audience
I would have struggled doing my vows etc in front of a huge crowd of people id met once, if at all from my wife's uni days, in a larger venue.

Again I also think it depends on timing. My 11 uni friends would now be coming as couples and families which would take up 40 odd seats and have cost several thousand pounds. If i had have got married young I could have invited just the 11 of them, if I had got married much older it would have been just 20 odd of them because their kids would have been old enough to leave.

The reality is (according to mumsnet) an evening invite, or invite to a wedding several hours from your home, without your spouse and your young kids isn't really an invite at all.

Invite yourself
> Just turn up prepared

Act the part - blagg your way in
> guest pictures - to go WITH the OFFICIAL wedding pictures
To capture everythin from a different view

I think 60 people is hard, because if you've only 20 cousins/family don't expect an invite, but 60 sounds huge. We have 12 people in our immediate family and then another 7 kids. And then with 60 I'd say my aunts and uncles would expect an invite which is another 24 and that leaves 17 people before cousins or current friends.

I also think the 5 years is an anomoly. I've friends I havnt seen in years because of distance but we text all the time. I also have people I'd see more regularly but because our parents are friends and we've never socialised independently of our parents.

Would she be one of your first 30 people you invited to anything of yours? It sounds like it was a situational friendship that was really important when you were a child and less so now. She will have a whole life of people and family around her for the last 5 years and inviting only 30 people of that means her immediate family, a handful of extended family and maybe 10 friends. Is she genuinely one of your top 10 friends who you would invite instead of your cousins or adult friends or your siblings?

I wouldn't be offended by this - sad to miss it, but not surprised and I wouldn't take it to mean she didn't want to see me once a year like always. It's nice to catch up with childhood friends if you both enjoy it, but that doesn't mean either of you have to stop making new relationships.

Nah id be hurt too,people get tossed aside so easily now for lavish shite that's not needed..you'll get all the perfect mumsnetters saying it is though,if your mum was invited,you were thought about but still tossed aside,very hurtful,I lived in another country when friends i grew up with got married and was still invited to their weddings..

Never fails to amuse when someone calls other people trolls with a way more trolling post than any of the other posters her so far managed. Bravo!

Yes of course inviting historic friends is nice. In an ideal world, with unlimited numbers and budgets, great! But the point here is that with limited numbers, choices have to be made. Do you invite someone you see all the time and is a big part of your life now, or that friend from the past who you’re no longer close to? You can’t fit both.

60 realistically is 15 from each side plus partners. They've kept it small because that's what they want

They’re having a smaller wedding of about 60 people so they can afford a fancier venue. Further context is that they already live together and own their place so no rush for that.

Who the fk are you to say and decide that? You're not invited. Get over it.

You say you now live at opposite ends the country and only see each other a couple of times a year - that's not a situation in which I'd expect a wedding invitation unless it was one of those enormous weddings where the couple invite pretty much everyone they know.

60 people is a tiny wedding.
Think about it logically. She gets to invite 30 people.
That's roughly 15 people plus their partners.
Once you've counted family; aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, maybe cousins, how many free spots do you think she has left? Maybe 7 plus ones?
Do you think you are one of the closest 7 people in her life right now?
If not, then don't feel snubbed. It's simply about numbers.

I think it’s a shame a close childhood friend wasn’t invited but of course it’s her decision. And 60 is a small wedding. Justified in feeling hurt (I would too) but it is what it is - send your congratulations on the wedding and move on 😊

You admit you are not really in contact with them so don’t understand why you would expect a wedding invite?

I could get if it was one of those massive weddings where they invite all and sundry but this is tiny so I would not expect an old childhood friend who they are barely in contact with to make the cut.