To feel a bit snubbed not to be invited to wedding?

[hogany]

I get people can decide who to invite to their wedding but it doesn’t stop me feeling that it was a bit rude not to invite me.

Context is that this is the wedding of a childhood friend/family friend. My mum and her mum are best friends, and we would see each other every single weekend growing up. We would see each other on Christmas Day and also used to go on holiday together. Since we turned about 20 (5 years ago), we haven’t seen so much of each other as we both moved to opposite ends of the country. We’d only see each other once or twice a year.

But as our families are so close, I’d always seen myself going to her wedding, and obviously we spoke about it for years. Turns out that the wedding invite is only for my mum (dad passed). They’re having a smaller wedding of about 60 people so they can afford a fancier venue. Further context is that they already live together and own their place so no rush for that.

Your mums are friends. You and she are not.

I don’t think 60 is small for a wedding at all - my wedding was smaller and by no means a small wedding. Anyway, not the point!

Haha I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this 😂we had a veeeerrry small wedding and I would have had it even smaller if the parents hadn't involved themselves.

Why are people getting of defensive over the "small wedding" comment. I've supplied services for weddings and a 60 people would absolutely be on the smaller end of scale for this, the average is about 80-100 people. It's not a bad thing to have a small wedding.

Unless you get chronically offended people like OP who don't make the cut.

Rise above, send a beautiful card with a warm message. Let them. My husband's one of 7, I have a billion cousins, we were married young with massive and many friend groups. Did we still have to miss people off the list because of numbers? YES!
I never feel entitled to an invitation or for being a bridesmaid. If I'm invited or asked it's a delight. But if friends or family want a smaller do or elope then that's they're choice and I respect it.
My childhood neighbour was similar - we lived in each others pockets growing up but we don't see each other much anymore and I'd not expect to be invited to her wedding. I'd enjoy looking at the photos, I'd send her a lovely message but I wouldn't expect to be there.
Would I be hurt not to be invited to my sons' weddings? My besties'? My siblings'? Yes! Anyone else is a brucey bonus!
Try writing your own list of 60 people to invite to an imaginary wedding this year. Actually make that 30 as the other 30 are for your partner to choose. Does this girl make it onto your list?

Further context is that they already live together and own their place so no rush for that.

Good on her for owing a house at 25, but I don't see what that has to do with anything?

You were good friends through your parents, but aren't now-send a nice card and move on.

I am surprised you're not touched that the bride even invited your mum to such a small wedding, when she's only a friend of her own mother. It's a nice touch, so it's a bit weird to feel snubbed that you are not going too.

I agree

And in that 30 you have to factor in if people are married/long term established partners. Not inviting their partner would be a serious snub and people will take it personally. We had a small wedding and this ate the majority of our guest list but we knew we couldn’t not invite them.

Back when I was single I would never have expected a plus one to a wedding (obviously I’d be delighted if I got one) but I would be turning down an invite if my husband wasn’t invited. Upon speaking to everyone I knew when doing my guest list, they all felt the same. I wouldn’t expect someone to come and celebrate me and my new husband but tell them to leave their husband at home.

So if everyone out of your 30 has a partner you’re really looking at 15 guests you’ve chosen yourself.

I don’t think you have been snubbed. The small venue explains it really. But I can understand why you are disappointed and I don’t think you are unreasonable to feel a momentary pang. Especially if nostalgia for old times when your dad was alive and your families spent important days together is playing a part.

If were you I’d send a nice card or a nice message and still keep the friendship such as it is alive. There is space in our lives for all sorts of friendships and associations and not all of them have to be very full on.

I understand that pang of disappointment and longing for some of the ways things used to be.

It doesn't sound like you really have a separate friendship with her so its fair enough she hasn't invited you

A small wedding is small wedding not every single person somone knows will be invited to their wedding i cant beleive you dont realise this

Not being invited to a wedding does not mean someone is being snubbed or whatever label you want to stick on it

If you need new friends maybe go and try some other group activities or some othet way

I think it is high time people stopped asking questions like this on Mumsnet as the responses are so typical and depressing bordering on trollesque! The responses are no way representive of real life. Or how people really live or think in the real world. Op you are right, she is trying to make a point by excluding you and not your mother. It is downright bitchy and controlling behaviour whether she has a right to do it or not. You have every right to be angry and upset!

If she invited your mum plus one (not sure if she did) could you accompany her?

Controlling behaviour 😂

If she's going alone, it would have been kind of them to have invited you along to accompany her.

It's a small wedding and you are no longer that close. We had a small wedding (50) due to the venue and it was tricky deciding who to invite (or not). Some of DH's aunts and cousins (from his massive extended family) were mortally offended and we were snubbed from a couple of weddings (so that was a bonus).

controlling and bitchy behaviour? seriously?

she is trying to make a point and what point would that be?

On a totally separate note, if YOU don't get invitations, don't ask why, just read your post again 😂

Your post explains why invites might be in short supply

I miss the laugh reaction

Snort.

I like ‘Snort’ as a replacement for the laugh reaction 👏

My parents were invited to a former colleague and friend of my Mum's, daughter's wedding. The daughter and I are were only born a few months apart but in different school years. However, we used to see each other a lot growing up, into our teens and a bit in our 20's. I moved away to another part of the country, not long before she met her then boyfriend (who became her husband). I wasn't invited to the wedding, and the fact my parents were, didn't particularly bother me. To be honest my parents didn't really know why they were invited!!

I think sometimes, you just have to accept the situation for what it is. You haven't been invited, you only see her twice per year, so you're not super close anymore. I know it's easy for me to say, but don't take it to heart.

I have a good friend in the wedding industry and she has said her average wedding is 100-120 guests. Not a massive fancy venue.
So on that id say 60 is smallish but not really small! To me really small would be 30 or less.

60 people is hard, I had 50 and it was hard to even fit immediate family on both sides. It also sounds like as much as you're an important part of her growing up, you're not necessarily a close part of her relationship with her fiance and so aren't included , if you only see eachother twice a year have you met her fiance much? Just one of those things, dont take it personally.

Maybe your friend felt that as you live a long way away she didn’t want to inconvenience you.At least when it comes to your wedding you have one less person to invite.

I disagree with some on here, I think inviting childhood friends/uni friends etc is lovely. They are part of our history. How many people have tons of people in their current life? I suppose if people have big families then that number can be reached easily.

I have tons of people in my current life, outside of family. I certainly wouldn’t need to dip into ‘historic’ friends or the children of my parents’ friends to make up wedding or party numbers.