School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

She isn't really asking for help though is she? She's asking for society to permit her to be late. She's asking for her child to routinely suffer the attention and embarrasment of being late. She's asking for permission for her child to miss their first few minutes of lessons routinely. The likelihood is that this is Maths or some other very important skill. She's asking for permission to significantly disrupt the teacher and the other children who have arrived on time. That's why she's getting a hard time... because there isn't much else to say except that it isn't acceptable.

Hi
as a senior leader in a school is just about systems. Often staff forget that they are dealing with actual people with stuff going on. The long and short of it it’s..they’re monitoring lateness so? What will happen? If I were you I would speak with someone at the school and explain your circumstances and the efforts you are going to to be on time. Often a reminder that you’re a mum just doing her best goes a long way.

Well that's not true is it - DS was always late from reception onwards. Trying to get there on time meant dragging and carrying a highly distressed, crying and screaming child the whole way there. Leaving ten minutes later meant he was a bit sulky but went willingly.

Turned out he was autistic, found transitions difficult and couldn't handle the noise and chaos at the start of the day.

Do you have any help OP? Is dad in the picture?

Ignore some of the cruel replies here by the way. Only incredibly sad people try to kick a struggling mum who is trying while she’s down xxx

When you say late, are the doors still open or does your child have to go through the office? What helps me (we struggle to get out of the house, meltdowns etc) is knowing that going through the office isn’t nice for a child, it’s embarrassing walking into class and a bit disorientating because everyone else is doing something that you’re probably going to be told not to bother starting. I have to be brutal and we set off even if everything isn’t perfect.

I set a couple of alarms so I know I/we’re on track and my ready to go out the door alarm is at least 15 minutes earlier than it needs to be (and longer if not so local).

The toddler will learn eg shoes on alarm, toddlers usually thrive on consistent routine and clear boundaries.

Most tricky is your DB has got into a habit of wanting to feed at that time, suggest you need to build the feed in to your routine fairly close to leaving, but offer it earlier, don’t wait for them to demand.

If they won’t take it but want it just as you are going out the door you will just have to go in the pram until you have done the drop off. In the next couple of days they will get used to taking the slighter earlier feed.

You can then have a much more enjoyable experience of the walk to school rather than feeling on the back foot to potentially being in tearing panic every day.

Is there a window of time where the door is open? E.g. 8.45-55. Aim for 8.40.

This! I've been there, done that and it's bloody hard. I work in a school now and I can honestly say that nobody is judging you. They are just getting in early to stop it becoming a bigger issue.

I'm sorry but I think that might be the most unhelpful thing I've heard today. And I've been listening to Trump!

Another daft example of school in the uk thinking they’re the police. I would be so annoyed at this - surely the teacher has other more important things to worry about. how often are you late?? I can’t believe it’s three/four/five times a week. If so then you do need to leave earlier. If it’s once every few weeks I’d just apologise and carry on with life.

having said that, our school the gate shuts at 9:05. We have to drop off at gate and aren’t allowed in at drop up or pick up- and if you’re late you have to come back at break time!!!
My friend once dropped her kids over the gate when she was late, the next week we had a letter to all parents specifically asking us to not do that. I think it’s really unwelcoming of the school that they don’t let us in, but it does keep it quick and everyone knows you absolutely cannot be late or your day is a mess.

Such a gracious post OP.
Clearly you listened. You understood what people were saying and you considered and took that on. Good for you!
This is where the thread should have ended. At least,this is where the rude, unhelpful and nasty posts should have stopped. It really, really highlights that people just want to be unpleasant just for the sake of it.
I have my fingers crossed for you. I know it's not easy when everything feels so overwhelming but I can 'feel' your resolve 😊

I did the school run many a time with a screaming baby in the pram and a toddler having a meltdown about no shoes/wrong coat but we got DD1 to school and then I focused on them.

I found a double buggy was the biggest help - we had a pram with a toddler seat over the top, it was a godsend as toddler didn't need shoes etc and could go under the raincover with the baby on cold winter mornings. Saved my sanity for that 1st year with the baby as whatever the toddler was doing, she got strapped in and was safely contained! It gets easier, honestly.

Is there a breakfast club your partner could drop off at or you could drop off at if it works better for your routine? Hopefully there have been a few helpful suggestions amongst the criticism. Getting 3 young children out of the house when you are lacking in sleep isn't easy.

It really shouldn't have taken to the second page before someone asked if your partner could help in the morning? Or is there a friend or neighbour who could take your child at school until the baby is in a better routine?

Your worry tells me you are a great mum . I think any school not giving a mum with a newborn a break are vile ! Honestly I can’t grasp why anyone would make this such a formal thing !

A teacher is being paid to be there, an adult, and responsible for looking after numerous young children. A child is a child, and goes to school (supposedly) for his/her own benefit. It’s not the same at all?

What helped me a friend taught me this. Lay up for breakfast the night before. Put their clothes on the radiator so they're warm to put on.

Could you look on marketplace for a cheap collapsible double buggy and strap toddler in. My grandson was a little beggar with the board. I bought some old fashioned reins and strapped him up. I soon lost them to his mum. 😄

I wasn't being rude when i suggested you might want to see a doctor OP, it just sounds like you are suffering with a lot of anxiety.

Are you quite well?

You're trying your best, it'll take a few goes to nail the perfect routine for you although I actually think every year throws up something 😅

Mine are grown, I've experienced every scenario possible, I found the best things that worked was to have as much as physically possible done the night before, a checklist on the door of everything I had to have leaving that morning, I've 5 kids so there was a few different things needed each day.

The main one after having everything done was, work out how long it took me to get ready, shower etc whatever you do, include a drink, snack for yourself, breakfast on table for kids, then whatever that amount of time was I set my alarm to the time before I needed to wake kids, so if it took me an hour and the kids had to be up by 7am I set my clock for 6am, you get used to getting up earlier, when you're ready things will move more easily as you can focus on them as you're ready.

It can be so difficult at times and honestly the amount of things I stressed about over the years really wasn't worth it when I look back.

Sleepless nights are fuckers x

Thing is though the vast majority of parents will have a baby or toddler as well as a school aged child at some point while doing the school run. it sounds like you’ve got into a routine that doesn’t quite work time wise. You might find when the clocks change you’ll reset a bit anyway but you need to do something different to shake things up a bit.

I have very rarely been a gate opening person but I’ve only been late once or twice in nearly a decade of nursery/school runs. One of my neighbours is the most punctual person ever. I don’t think she has ever been there anything less than 5 minutes early even when she had 3 under 4. You could set a watch by her
.

Op, I was the kid who was always taken in late. It's awful, you feel a right twat, everyone else is pissed off and it draws so much attention. You're being cruel to your eldest here.

Better late than never. It is very difficult when you have little ones too, plenty of good advice on this thread. Good luck, you can do this.

I think anyone that gets three children of different ages out of the door everyone morning on a walking school run and gets them there within a few mins of the official time is an absolute hero. I take my hat off to you. One child here and live extremely close to the school, and it’s still a struggle. You’re a superhero in my book!

I disagree. When I had PND and a baby who cried constantly at night it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed in the morning .
I was doing really well to get up and get my preschooler there by 9:30.
I couldn’t have got up 30 mins earlier . I did pack bags the night before and train my preschooler to be incredibly independent - he had to be.

Don’t judge until you have walked in these shoes. Thank god for the teacher who hugged me when I sobbed on her shoulder for being 15 mins late again and told me I was doing a good job. So are you OP . This will get easier.

I really empathise and only have two kids!

We'd be about to leave and be 5 mins early, and then preschooler would poo their pants or run away and refuse to get in buggy, or one of them would have a huge tantrum and we wouldn't be able to leave because I couldn't carry a tantrumming 4 yo all the way to school on foot by themselves, let alone with a younger child in tow. The rigidity of school hours doesn't work for some families / kids so cut yourself some slack.

Breakfast club actually worked well because that way 1. They were never late 2. Didn't have to make breakfast 3. There was a lot more flex on arrival time so no standing around in the pouring rain etc.

Is that something you can consider?