School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

If you’re going to lay into the OP unnecessarily, at least get your SPAG right

My son is late for school at least twice a week, about every ten days he flat out refuses to go in and either skips a day or a half day. Nothing happens. Not a bean.

You do your best, I am sure you are, sod the school and their stupid rules.

Teachers aren't in charge of attendance and they wouldn't make the call to monitor someone. However it is actually inconsiderate to the class teacher to be ten minutes late everyday (involves faffing around with registers etc) and disruptive to your children who won't like feeling different.

You just have to be aim to be there ten minutes early and then you'll be on time. I know its hard with a baby but you if you can be consistently there at one time you can be there at another.

I’m with those who have suggested looking again at your timings in a morning. Gates at our primary open at 8:45, they close at 9. In my mind that means school starts at 8:45 and we need to be there for then. Arriving after that is late to me. I’m halfway home when some are making their way towards school.

no wonder your child is not bothered with school with that attitude. Shame you are unlikely to grow up, and he will be the one put at disadvantage from it, and will be the one suffering the consequences.

The gist of your posts is that you're more bothered about "standing round like a lemon" than being on time. That lateness isn't helpful for your child every day. They miss a calm start to the day. They're already behind before the day has started. Get over your lemon feelings and get into school on time.

Yes, this. I also walk and fell into a routine where we were getting slightly late every day (because winter and gloves and boots and blah blah) and then I was gently asked why we keep being late and I adjusted my leaving the house time to 10 minutes earlier.

Yep we leave at 8.25 for a a 8.40 start (8.50 doors close) and if we are past 8.30 I start losing it that we are late. Sometimes we do actually leave at 8.35 as I have a baby who always poos before the school run but then we aren't actually late.

I’m another one saying double buggy. I found the baby + toddler stage very difficult and it saved my sanity that both could be strapped in, against their will if needs be, and we could get the hell out of the house. And then they don’t have to be as ‘ready’ - they can be in PJs with slippers and a blanket chucked over them.

I do agree with a PP who says your DH could do more to get stuff ready the night before or in the early mornings be he goes. It shouldn’t all be on you.

Agreed.
But also - and I know this is not fashionable nowadays and goes against the child-led mantra pushed down our throats - but parents need to take charge.
You need to stop being controlled by your toddler and baby and make sure you are on time. No excuses.
You need to work on your baby's sleep for a start. Why are there so many non-sleeping babies now? There were some but not anywhere near the epidemic there is now when my oldest was a baby. Maybe it's because 12 weeks' maternity leave focuses your mind somewhat.

How unpleasant

Buggy for toddler, sling for baby or double buggy. Give the toddler a wee tub with Cheerios or fruit in, chuck a puddle suit over their pyjamas, no shoes necessary. Dress the baby and toddler when you get home.

The only way I managed was baby in sling and toddler in pram. Both were often kicking and screaming, but couldn't get out of their respective straps. Everything prepped the night before, I got up earlier than the older two (baby was already awake) to get my own clothes on a make a coffee.

We had many mornings of waiting out the front in the freezing, snowy weather, with screaming children. I would often buy a croissant for toddler if she was too difficult.

I'm a teacher, so I really understand the importance of the first 10 mins of the school day, so I would always rather a difficult wait outside the school than for my DS to be late.

OP - don't overworry - of course you are struggling with a baby and a toddler. I have the same challenges and I sometimes rock up to nursery over half an hour later than I planned... I will have to try better for school but you are not alone and all of the other parents at nursery have similar issues!!

Exactly this.

Perhaps you could share how you managed the school run with a baby in tow?

I’m going to bow out after this because my head is pounding and I’m not actually taking anything in anymore. I didnt post to argue that being late is fine or that it doesnt matter, I get now that it does and I said that already. I also didnt post to be told I’m selfish or that my kids will be damaged for life because of a few late mornings during a rough patch. That stuff has tipped this from helpful into overwhelming for me.

For clarity again, because it keeps being twisted, I am not prioritising my feelings over my child. The “standing around like a lemon” thing was me trying to explain why Ive been cutting it fine, not me saying thats more important than my kid. I can see now that aiming for just in time is what’s tripping me up and I need to get comfortable with being earlier even if its uncomfortable. Im going to do that. Bags and clothes will be done tonight, alarm earlier, baby fed earlier, toddler in the buggy board or walking and if shes screaming then shes screaming. Eldest will get there on time. Thats the plan.

I dont think I need to see a doctor because I dont like standing at the school gate and I dont think my partner is some useless waste of space either, he works long hours and we’re doing the best we can with what we have. Im exhausted, not neglectful, not lazy, not incapable. Just knackered with a baby who doesnt sleep and two other kids who are small and loud and unpredictable.

I appreciate the people who shared their own messy mornings and said this stage is brutal but temporary. Im taking the practical stuff and muting the rest for my own sanity. I’ll sort the routine and move on from this because spiralling about it isnt helping anyone.

What a nasty comment. Can see why you’re nae mates.

Please don't stress OP. What if you go and see the teacher, explain that mornings are difficult because of sleep, but make your main message less about that and more to say that you realise it hasn't worked well in the mornings, but you are making some changes to morning routine as you know how important it is to start the school day on time.. That will reassure them about how you parent (if that is a concern to you), and will show that you are willing to try something else in the mornings so as to get there on time. I don't think you would then hear any more from them provided your DC gets in on time.🌸

Yes, this. Sifting through all your words OP, it's clear that you actually really, really dislike the thought of arriving even slightly early at school. So you have chosen to actively avoid even the chance of that happening. That's the stark reality.

All the stuff about non-sleeping baby/tricky toddler is just.....guff. Because I am certain that if you knew you would be given £10K if you could just make it to school on-time, well you'd make damn certain you got there, wouldn't you?

Getting your child to school on time just hasn't been a priority for you. It's only now, when a teacher has made you feel really uncomfortable, that you've actually decided to do something about this. Because suddenly, you are directly feeling the consequences of your inactions.

Up until now, you have been putting your feelings and your preferences first and foremost. You haven't prioritised your school age child. You've regularly left them to deal with the fallout of continually arriving late. You've regularly exposed them to the negativity that causes in the classroom (did you ever consider that your poor child 'feels like a lemon' for always being the late one?).

It is actually very selfish behaviour and, ultimately, people who are habitually late are selfish.

Honestly, accepting I'm going to be standing around waiting is the only way I can avoid being late to anything in my life. If I try to get there on time, I'm late 🤷‍♀️

Could you take a snack for your eldest two and feed the baby there if needed? Give yourself a fake arrival time that's 15 minutes before you actually should arrive (not 15 minutes before you'd be classed as late, 15 minutes before you'd ideally like to be there). Then you'll have a pretty big buffer in place.

OP you’re doing a great job, don’t worry and don’t let the unhelpful posts get you down. The sleepless nights and toddler struggles will leave you feeling vulnerable which is why the teacher mentioning monitoring will have freaked you a little. I would have felt exactly the same. You want to sort this out and you clearly will! I wish you all the best.

Get a second hand double?

I’ve been there nd equally felt bad although they didn’t monitor lateness at that time.
i can only suggest a reward for the toddler for being ready to go and a double buggy etc where shows won’t matter so much, trying to get the baby’s routine to fit in with yours more and leaving extra early . Good luck and keep going

Dear me.

a shocking example of MN at its worst.

Would be nice to do a survey to see how many commenting actually do this routine themselves with this number of kids each morning.

OP any school here (Scotland) monitoring is normal. They just want to know what’s happening. Nothing else. A quick chat with the head, or staff or anyone there and that’s it done.

I do feel for you. When my twins started post covid I got the standard letter re attendance. I was broken at that point with four under four. Or four and under.

every single bug that has ever existed hit us as the children were exposed to normality.

the council sent out their lovely attendance letter as I happened to be in the school doing a play workshop.

that was my breaking point. The lady at the council said, and I quote,

it’s a standard thing, chat to the school (I did) hang on in there and burn the letter or ignore the message.