School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

This is absolutely true!! I worked in attendance too.

Exactly. I've been trying to get him places on time for 19 years, and most noticeably since he started nursery aged 2.

I have done all the "get up earlier" and "leave earlier" advice, and it does not work.

With appointments I can fudge it purposefully telling him a time 30mins earlier than we need to leave, but that doesnt work when they know what time we are meant to be somewhere every day, like school or college.

You cant even use the clock change trick these days as the right time is on their tablets/phones.

He simply does not register time and its passage the same as others, and I know that's part of his asd/adhd.

My adhd goes the other way and makes me pinpoint focused on the time and im constantly calculating how long everything I do takes and how long I have to get somewhere.. to the point one off appointments can put me into a kind of hyperfocused paralysis where I can't do anything other than clock watch.

An awful lot of ppl should be thoroughly ashamed of their conduct in this thread! OP was clearly on the edge & looking for reassurance, advice & kindness.

Rather than do that, a significant number CHOSE to push her off the edge then stand over her throwing rocks!

Just disgusting

It's like expecting a cat to bark

No. Don’t do that. Don’t lower and compare our behaviours to that of animals. We are human.

If you are continuously late, it’s ultimately down to your organisational skills. It’s as simple as that. Some will adapt and coordinate better than others but ultimately it is all within your control, whether you like to face that fact or not.
If you cannot be bothered to put the effort into breaking a habit because it feels tough, then just admit that. But don’t sit there passively and pretend like your brain is hard wired to make you 9 minutes late to any occasion.

We were always late for school and it was very stressful for us as children. We were blamed but really at that age it was out Mothers job to get us to school on time. She has ADHD but obviously undiagnosed back then. It's interesting that you say you don't want to wait around. Every single person who is on time is often early and waits around. It's part of being on time. Everyone I know with ADHD would never ever consider arriving somewhere early. They aim for dead on the dot (or later) every time. Only a few minutes is still late. School has started already.

@Jumimo Different things are difficult for different people. For example, some people find empathy and appropriate social interaction difficult apparently.

@oBoltFire just to say that just because your DH isn gone early doesn't mean he can't help. When he gets up, why can't he set up bags, breakfast etc to help you for when you get up, especially if you've been up and down feeding a baby.

I’m struggling a bit to understand how the choice is between being late and standing around for ages waiting for the gate to open. Have you been trying to get there exactly as the gate opens?

Well from what I can see many parents are incredibly arrogant and no longer have the slightest shred of respect for teachers or appreciation for what a privledge it is for their children to receive a free education.

Schools are strict because children have a right to an education. If as a parent you can't be arsed to get them to school then you are absolutely responsible for not providing them with that right. By all means homeschool them if you want to if this works better. However what you can't expect is to persistently disrupt other kids and other teachers because you don't know how to set an alarm clock. You also can't expect the state to pay for your child if they reach working age with no qualifications and no work ethic if you haven't taught them that and have totally disregarded the school when they've tried to teach them that.

Or she could just be disorganised like I was, and just needs this mentioned to ensure she leaves the house earlier.
Giving the kids bananas for breakfast and adjusting the arrival time twenty minutes earlier in your head are both great pieces of advice. I used to always aim for school start time, which I now see was my downfall.

We struggled too. Had similar discussion with school. It was the younger one causing delays every time. Getting up earlier didn't help - it just dragged the whole thing out longer. What worked was a sticker chart - a sticker for every day she didn't cry before we left. 4 stickers in one week unlocked a treat.

But learning to wait and be patient is a great lesson (obviously not for half an hour). I find the just in time children come in not as prepared as the early arrivals, takes a few minutes to adjust.

It’s what you make a priority. The parents who are persistently late do not make school or their child being on time a priority. I always feel sorry for a child walking in late, it must be so embarrassing.

What is it you do or did if you’re retired, out of interest? Not sure why you didn’t home educate with such strong views!

They monitor that in my school from the beginning. Starting the day a few minutes early will help. I had to explain my daughter that morning routines need focus and she learned in a few weeks, we weren't late per se but just the rush I did not wanted to happen now is off.
Don't overthinking it and start making those small changes. Will work. It did for us.

Do you consider all the parents who get there before gates open to be silly lemons? I imagine not OP (or I should hope not??) so no need to apply that logic to yourself

Having read the whole thread rather than weighing in on the philosophical nature of the human condition of to be late or not to be late - sounds like one key issue is that you are walking to school at toddler pace/being able to use a buggy board if you're lucky. Both of these scenarios are slow and liable for massive tantrum disruption. As you're dealing with a specific issue with timings you should definitely get a large enough buggy to chuck everyone under school age in and then you can at least be an early morning tantrum on wheels rather than stuck trying to soothe and appease. Get your school kid in and then you can divert attention to sorting the younger ones. Best of luck x

Not sure if you will read this OP as you said you are leaving the thread.

As at least one PP said, I have always used the method of mentally tricking myself that we need to leave much earlier than we really do. I have 8.30 as my “this is the latest we can leave” time, and I start getting frantic by 8.35 if we haven’t left. In reality, we would still just about make it through the school gates before they close if we left at 8.45 (although I try not to remember that!)

This will pass OP! You are currently doing the hardest bit. I remember those days of getting my eldest out the house to school after no sleep with a baby in the buggy. However, I read this thread in bed with a coffee as my eldest got herself ready for secondary school (and she ran out the door 30 seconds before her bus was due 🤣).

It sounds a lot for your toddler so i second a double buggy (we had a tandem one so it was long rather than wide). You are letting your child down by being consistently late for school, even by just a few minutes, so you do need to rectify it. You won’t be standing around like a lemon. You will just be waiting for a short while with your children like the other parents (surely you don’t consider them all to be standing around like lemons).

Wow what a great attitude to have 👀

You've proven my point nicely.

Not sure if you'll read this, but I hope you do! I was in a very similar situation with my children age wise and it's so tricky! But I know from experience how easy it is to get into these habits without realising so cut yourself some slack. The school honestly sound like they are just giving you a gentle reminder and nothing more. You sound like you have put some things into place to help yourself in the mornings so I'm sure you will be fine going forwards. If it's any help I used to find the all in one tracksuits a lifesaver for my youngest, if the mornings were a particular challenge they could just go over their pajamas and still look dressed! This will honestly pass so quickly even if it feels like you are in the trenches now!

one day your child will refuse to do what you say and you will realise you have no levers to make them do what you want.

Are you intending to storm The Winter Palace this morning?

What a load of arrant nonsense. How low is your bar if you think that being able to get get your child to school on time makes you a perfect parent?

Most children if denied the basic privledges ie wifi/pocket money will a) get their butt to school and b) Learn a difficult life lesson. That if you want the privledges of a modern society you have to contribute to that society.

You can't make them do something that they don't want to do but you can sure as hell make them think hard about whether it's a battle they want to fight. Who is actually in charge here?!

Yes we are human, and our neurology and how our brain recognises time and its passage has documented differences from person to person.