School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

Did you post this on TikTok yesterday?

My DC really could not care less! I wish they did.

Problem with telling you they are monitoring your lateness is it doesn’t give you any incentive to turn up if you know you are going to be late.

If you know you are going to be late, phone in sick then you can’t be late.

Set your deadline for leaving 15 minutes earlier. eg if you usually aim to leave the house by 8.20, now aim to leave by 8.05. Stick to it.

We've definitely been late before. No one is perfect and shit happens. However I do disagree with posters who seem to think its ok to be late everyday (not saying you are saying this @usedtobeaylis . It is disrespectful to the teaching staff and makes their life harder and disrupts learning for the rest of the class. It's also stressful for the child.

Not trying to put the boot in to OP (who I think has left anyway) but if you are late everyday then you need to change your routines.

Schools have turned into uppity overlords who think they have rights they don't, and I mean ethically and morally even if they can bully and harass as the arm of the state.

You've done nothing wrong and being late doesn't matter. At all. Studies have shown that kids could easily learn in about 3 hours everything they're taught at school that seems to take the whole day, if they were actually organised.

Your kids will have their whole lives to be regimented, uniformed puppets with no way to escape. You've fallen for the indoctrination.

If my kids were young now, I'd be home schooling them to remove these authoritarian nutters from my field of vision and my kids' vulnerable minds.

You're doing fine, just smile and pretend you give a shit, but you are going to have to learn to give zero shits about what these bullying twats have to say and that includes the good Red Guard members on mumsnet who will come for me (and be completely and totally ignored) for pointing these truths out.

are you quite well?

I don't know what tv show you are currently watching that inspires your rant, but it's sounds very entertaining

In case you were being serious, You've done nothing wrong and being late doesn't matter. is exactly the point people are making about parents who are late. That's the general attitude.

"It's a fact that it's always the same people who are late, always the same who are casual about time while everyone else make efforts to be on time - everyone is struggling, everyone has kids to take to school, that's the point"

This is all fantastic in theory, but in the real world children just don't work this way. Please see: "We're leaving now, you ready to go out the door" child: "I really need a poo" and we all know how long those can take small children to do. In that situation there's nothing for it than to drop everything and get them to the toilet. In the meantime the other kids are starting to fuss and take off shoes etc get the shoes back on, baby fills nappy. This is going to be harder for some parents than others. As a lone parent it's going to be harder for me to get places on time than for a parent with a partner to hand. It's harder still when you've multiple kids. Harder again when you're adding in SEN or parental vulnerability.

I don't see a parent who doesn't care or who is remotely "casual" about this. I see a mum who is trying her best who's extremely stressed about this and feels overwhelmed and outnumbered in the morning. You can feel what you want about lateness, it's a massive pet peeve for many people. But let's not pretend op doesn't care. If she didn't she wouldn't be on here asking for help and advice.

I think sometimes people can be very dismissive about people who are late and it's much easier to assume its purely because they're selfish or lazy or whatever. But that's not the reality for a lot of people. I absolutely HATE being late and find it extremely stressful. Still happens sometimes because I have adhd and find certain things harder than others might because of how that affects me. I have strategies I use but they don't work 100% of the time. And when you add kids to the mix it gets unpredictable.

Are you a hysterical mental case? I mean, I'm just asking in the same spirit you did pretending to ask a question while slinging an insult 😂

However I do actually think you could indeed be a hysterical mental case and I base that on your massive and immediate projection and straight to infantile insults while being unable to actually discuss anything rationally like an adult.

No point in talking to hysterical mental cases so I won't. Ciao! 😘

Don't stress too much about it, not the end of the world. It's a difficult phase, you're doing your best.

It's hard.
When my eldest started full time, I had him and my 3 year old walking either side of the most hideous double buggy (which had my toddler and newborn in). My newborn absolutely hated the pram and screamed the entire way there and back. Many times I picked her up and carried her whilst somehow using my other hand to push my heavy toddler who was still in the front seat. It seemed to last forever. But it was over and much easier within 6 months.
My advice would be, pick your battles! Take short cuts where you can. The one in school was my priority, as in, getting him looking half decent - clean uniform, clean teeth, looking smart etc. Most mornings, I hadn't brushed my hair and I was wearing a milk stained tshirt under my coat. My 3 year old still had her pyjamas on under her coat. My toddler always used to take his shoes off and throw them, so I stopped putting him in shoes altogether and just covered him with a blanket - he, too, was in his pyjamas under his coat. It's just a case of survival - you aren't going to please them all, all of the time, so just do what you can to get your eldest to school. When you're back home, everyone else can be fed, dressed, and whatever else they need!
Keep going, you are doing fab. And try not to worry!

Both of mine couldn’t care less that they were late.

I tried getting up earlier. We were the latest we had ever been.

The earlier get ups just left more time to mess around

DS would run out the door and go and roll around in the flowerbed in the front garden

Only person who was distressed at dc being late was me.

OP you aren’t a neglectful mum as some of the PP are implying with their ‘helpfulness’ dressed up as support. For one thing you wouldn’t be getting yourself on edge about it AS YOU CARE DEEPLY and are trying your best!

I do agree with the strategies some have given you about clocks being set 10min fast / wrap up baby and jumper over pjs for toddler etc. The only one that needs to be ‘public ready’ is your LO focus on that. Definitely specifically tell the school that you are wrangling 3 out the door so they see the bigger picture as well. Nobody can shoot you down in flames for being open & honest with them.

Motherhood is a total rollercoaster and I’m always in awe of mums who have more than 1 LO to wrangle. ✨

I didn’t. I think you might have missed my point. Some well-organised adults have children who struggle with the morning routine. Some children have parents who struggle with the morning routine. I do. I’m time blind. My husband is a pro and it’s military precision when he’s in charge. With me…I’m just always chasing my tail. Believe me. I’ve tried all of the things…some people are just different

I always used to be late for things. Then one day I was late for something important with catastrophic consequences. Since then I have always been very anxious about not being on time, so consequently am often so early that I am the first to arrive. Unfortunately this then makes me anxious that I have got the venue wrong! Hopefully you will find a middle ground OP.

Surely there's a window of arrival time? Aim for the start of that.

I'm a parent of 3 so I get it. It is hard. But I'm also a teacher and I picked up on OP saying "I think Ive let myself believe being a few minutes late doesnt really matter and clearly to them it does." 'to them' being to the school. It's not that it matters to the school, it matters to your child. It is hard being the kid who is often a few minutes late. They miss the socialising and settling time. They miss the first lovely warm greeting where we all come together and start our day. The very first thing that happens to them in that school day is that they are late, they interrupt the class, they shuffle around on their own, trying to quietly put their bag away. They miss thenews and instructions. They try and quietly find a place to sit and everyone else is already sitting with friends. It's a shit way to start, especially if you're little. I'm not a monster and I understand that it's not the poor child's fault their parent got them there late, so I make a point of warmly greeting my latecomers too, but not every teacher does. Getting your child to school on time sets them up for success.

And how would he step up other than sticking him in breakfast club, given that he starts work before the DC starts school?

There is a perfectly capable adult at home who can set an alarm a little earlier.

Would it be possible to get a grandparent/friend to help out just for a while? Or could your partner shift their hours just for a bit?

Maybe he could get the OP a second alarm clock and set it a bit earlier.

Gosh people are being so dramatic. It’s a few minutes. Even if it happens regularly it seriously doesn’t matter in the great scheme of things.

Ftr, ds is now 19, still autistic/adhd and still a nightmare to get anywhere on time.

Weirdly I always get myself places on time/early, I cant stand being late for anything, Sooo I know it cant possibly be me thats the problem 😆

I decided its hereditary, his Dad (my exh) is chronically late for everything

It’s not easy, but there have been good suggestions here. We had to be out of the house by 7.30am at the latest when I returned to work after each maternity leave years ago when we only had a maximum of 6 months off. I had 3 in 3.5 years but we soon developed a routine for mornings. Doesn’t have to be perfect but punctuality is really important.

It’s a real pain when children arrive in class in dribs and drabs. In my experience, they were always the same ones!

Yeah, I think in many cases it's just the way your brain works. And if you don't get it you don't get it and you'll never understand why 'just leave earlier' is a pointless thing to say. It's like expecting a cat to bark just because you've explained it nicely. Or condescendingly; neither way will have much impact.

🙄