School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

'Everyone else' doesn't manage it so don't beat yourself up about that. Most people manage it most of the time and at some point you will be one of those people. Some people don't manage it some of the time and many, many, many of us have been there at one point or another. You're not unusual and you're doing you're best. Recognising that you're not abnormal in this will help calm your anxiety a little bit.

@Jumimo yes some people do manage it. Others don’t. Some people are different. Children are different and sometimes difficult. Are you aware of that?

I hope you are ok OP. I think most parents struggle with something to be honest. For some people it’s life/school admin. For me it’s keeping the house clean and tidy. For other people like yourself it’s getting the kids to school on time.

I’m sure some people who are constantly late judge me on not hoovering enough!

I always prioritise getting the kids on time above almost everything. Here are my tips.

Think what time you need to be at school at comfortably, then what time you need to leave the house, then what time you need to get up to be able to leave without stressing. So for us, we have to be at school for 9, but I don’t like getting there last minute so I aim for 8.50. It takes 20 minutes to walk, so I aim to leave at 8.30. If we cycle or go by car it doesn’t take so long but we still leave at 8.30 because it’s not a big deal or a waste of time to have to wait for the gates to open at 8.45. For us, it takes an hour to get ready comfortably, so I aim to get up for 7.30. It may take you longer with 3 younger children. Inevitably we don’t always end up leaving at 8.30 if someone has lost a glove or is having a bad morning.

We are rarely early but I’ve only been late a couple of times in 6 years.

From a teaching and learning persepective , lateness is so disruptive to both the tardy child and the class.
It's embarrassing for the child to come in late. And the rest of the class may be settled, have begun a lesson which all has to be explained to the latecomer.
It disrupts everyone .
I don't think parents appreciate what a nuisance it can be when you are trying run a system. There is one child in a class I work with who misses my phonics lesson every single morning !!!
I have 5 kids myself , all who were two years apart and never slept till they were 3 so I know how hard it is . But lateness is a bad habit and it can be sorted if you want to sort it .

They do if they prioritise it and deem it important. I get it, it’s hard, but being on time is important and impacts on the other 29 dc who did get there on time. I did the school run with dd1 and toddler twins who screamed every time dd1 went into school and left them. It was a rubbish part of the day for everyone to witness the double tantrums. No one is saying it’s easy but many, many parents manage it.

but all children are "difficult", it's so ridiculous to pretend otherwise.

It's not a case of parents being lucky because they are on time, vs parents unlucky, it's a question of priorities.

Parent disorganised, stressed, rushing or sprinting to be less late, stressing out everyone else? How could that benefit any child?

Adding to the disruption to the entire class which these parents don't care about ,it;s their child who should be the priority, and who deserve to arrive at school in a state of stress and anxiety

Yep, same. My daughter has never been late for school but I drop the ball in plenty of other areas. Balance is hard to achieve.

Ah, sorry, I hadn't realised I was speaking to someone perfect!
It's just that I interpreted your post as rude and dismissive of someone who's having a struggle.

In answer to your question I think everyone's different and we all tend to have different abilities with everyday tasks, some people find particular things harder than others and some are taking proactive steps to try and address their gaps (as OP is clearly doing).

Also ultimately the real non-negotiable is the safety and care of the 3 children OP is responsible for - that's her immediate priority, in legal terms and in terms of her childrens' wellbeing, and the school starting time is secondary to it.

Please explain to the school the situation. As a teacher first and then after becoming a parent only then did I realise how bloody hard it was to get them ready! I used to huff and tut at those coming in late and give a late mark, now I look and think hey you're here, let's change that to present. Most of them just look a bit bewildered and need time to settle in, not to be told off and pressured into catching up.

However, do try to get the motions in place to get there early or on time as yes it's monitored so less stress in the long run.

It was hard but we had to do the early morning routine as I had to drop off at nursery/breakfast club before going to work. Battles every day, it was a nightmare 😔 xxx

Yeah you tell the teacher that your ‘Tarquin’ will not be rushed wtaf

I've got a photo of my then two year old daughter crawling along the floor at the exact time we needed to be leaving the house for her to get to nursery on time for me to get the train to work. One sock half on, the other one nowhere to be seen, after many attempts to get her dressed. I vividly remember the feeling of wanting to tear my hair out that morning. I prioritise being on time to the point my daughter has never been late for school but as a toddler it was a nightmare. Making something your priority isn't quite the same as a magic wand.

There are some good suggestions here and I hope they help. Even though it's 'only a few minutes', that can have an impact on the school day which affects all the other children and that is why the school takes lateness seriously.

no need to be goady

We ALL struggle, and yet.. we manage. You are the one who is being dismissive, and pretend that only people with casual attitude towards time have difficulties, why is that?

Also ultimately the real non-negotiable is the safety and care of the 3 children
are you implying that it's not our priority?

Maybe consider that the safety, care and well being of our own children is such a priority that not stressing them out by arriving late, in a state of distress is part of caring for them.

Yeah you tell them your ‘Tarquin’ will not be rushed wtaf

Not all children are difficult. Just some are. And yeah we used to sprint and they found it fun tbh. People are different. We’re not all clockwork oranges.

The OP has been managing as best as she has been able to. She is going to try to manage in a different way. Can we just stop with the self righteous wank at this point?

You are lucky if you had one of those perfect children who get themselves ready and wait dutifully at the door for you to go to school, I haven't met anyone in real life with such easy children 😂

There are many of those teachers who also have babies and have to take them to nursery before going to work. While i totally agree with the brutal aspect of punctuality, it's the responsibility of parents to get them there in time. Xxx

I’m not even remotely irate. I just call out what I see as nasty, bullying behaviour where I see it and I see it here. You are entirely free to turn a blind eye to it. That of course says a lot about you. I have to dash now as I’m getting a flight and I don’t want to be late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To give an alternate perspective, I work in a setting where children are brought in for classes. Some families arrive ridiculously early, waiting around for half an hour or more for the session to begin. Their children often arrive calm, happy and ready to join in - but by the time the session actually starts, they’re being told off by their parents for being silly or running around, asking to go to the toilet (again!), crying, having a tantrum and refusing to go through the door. In the meantime, the ‘just in time’ children, who are whisked through the door and straight into the activity, don’t have time to get themselves in a pickle - they just come in and get on with it. In the early years, standing around outside waiting for school to open isn’t the best start to the day for every child.

I'm suggesting the partner steps up on the school run front

How long is the walk to school ?

have a timetable when to do stuff and phone or Alexa

730 up dressed
745 breakie
8.15 hair teeth shoes coat etc
820/30 out the door
830 walking to school
845 school starts

depending if a 5/15/25min walk to school and adjust times

how old is toddler - assuming over 2 if a baby as well

would it be easier to go to school in baby grows and shoes and dress once back so only eldest to sort out ?

far better to be there early than late

Op mornings are really tough. I was 10 minutes late to work this morning because my threenager point blank refused to get dressed. Cue massive stress. Anyone suggesting neglect or selfishness is out of order and don't listen to that, some people just love a pile on.

I think you need to have a chat with your dh to really look at his working hours, maybe he can compress hours/ change shift/ look at flexi working/working from home depending on his role. Or he needs to get everything set out the night before so that when you get up you can just roll out of bed and go.

I think at this stage of a young family it's survival. I think you set a rule with your toddler that they must go on buggy board on the way to school and then can walk back if they want. Make it a game so they think it's fun. Or practice with a wrap/sling when you're not under pressure so you feel confident and wear baby (nurse while you walk if you nurse) and stick toddler in the pram. They can both go out in their jammies and a coat over so the only one you really need to get properly ready is the one going to school. I shower etc at night so if I need to get up and dress and go I can without feeling too yuck. Does your dh do a stint with the baby from say 7-11/12 where you can put in ear plugs and sleep to help with the night waking exhaustion?

Have absolutely everything laid out the night before ready to walk into. Get yourself dressed to shoes before you look near anyone else if you can. I'd also plan breakfasts that can be eaten on the go like banana and egg muffins in a tub you can batch make and keep ready in the fridge so they can eat while they walk/ go in the pram (might also entice the toddler into the pram). I'd also look at getting your school age child equipped to dress themselves if they don't already. Do you have anyone nearby who is doing the school run and who could take your dc with them a few mornings to take a load off? Or family who could help with this?

It's really tough and getting so many out the door is a lot on one person in the morning. And it's devastating when you know how much you put into it and noone else sees it, especially with a young baby. I remember when ds was really little and i was up all night nursing having a morning where it felt like we were never leaving the house, it took everything in me to get us out and I missed my dentist appointment by 3 minutes (2 of which were because people in the queue to reception were blocking me getting the buggy in the door) and the receptionist made a sparky suggestion that I should make afternoon appointments if I couldn't get myself out of bed. And I went home in floods of tears completely humiliated. Shit happens and now I'd have torn her a new one, but when you're in the thick of surviving a new baby period, it's just not realistic. So lots of solidarity here op. You're doing great.

It's not that simple though. Often the 15 minutes between 8.45 and 9 are really busy. And you have to account for 30 kids. Whilst lots of schools now like you to squeeze in interventions or brief your TA etc. Registers are usually online now and take a bit of concentration.

If the teacher closes her online register at 8.45 then that means if a child is then in the door at 8.48 she may have to ring the office and get them to change the register. Often these online registration programs have a cut off point or you can't ammend once you've saved them. She will at the very least have to reopen the register and faff around whilst trying to do something else.
What if four children wander in between 8.45 and 9? That's a lot of back and forth/ potentially getting it wrong.

Or it can lead to confusion as a child can come in but miss being registered because the teacher has closed the register and then gets distracted by actually teaching. So the child isn't officially in school. What if there is a fire? Registers are a very vital safeguarding tool and teachers need to get them right.

When I was in a similar situation I:

• had a school run tracksuit I just pulled on, I did showering etc post school run.
• only got school age child dressed, the others went in onesies & jackets.
• used a pushchair for toddlers even if they could walk. They walked on the way home without time pressure
• breakfast for non school age children at home post school run, snack before.

Basically everything possible to make life as easy as possible and give every chance of the school age child getting to school calmly.