AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

[Hellosunshine994378]

Blended family situation and looking for a sense check.

My partner’s child has recently moved into our home full time, which is obviously a big adjustment. Since then, there’s been a pattern where the child follows us from room to room or interrupts when my partner and I are together, and sometimes tries to take charge of plans or rules.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour. It seems anxiety-based and about needing reassurance after a big change, which I completely understand.

Where I’m unsure is the best response. So far, we’ve tended to accommodate it by keeping our relationship quite low-key, avoiding adult-only time, and reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort. The intention is to be kind, but the outcome is that our relationship feels very reduced in our own home.

My view is that in the long run, children feel safer when adults are calm and consistent… adult time is normal, adults make decisions, interruptions are gently redirected, and boundaries are clear. Avoiding this might help in the short term but risks reinforcing the anxiety.

My partner worries about upsetting the child and prefers to avoid conflict in the moment. I’m concerned that this isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually help the child adjust.

AIBU to think it’s reasonable to protect some adult time and be clear that our relationship is allowed, while still being sensitive to the child’s needs?

The problem is you’ve gone from
parenting a baby, where your expectations about private discussions etc would be reasonable, the parenting a teenager without any of the in between. That means you’ve not grown with the child and adapted your communication and parenting to meet their needs, throw in recent changes and possible trauma for the child and no wonder you’re struggling.

In all honesty how many of those discussions need to be done in the moment? I don’t know what you mean by supporting your partner to develop consistent parenting but that isn’t something that needs “right here right now” discussion. If there’s something he’s doing you don’t like you should support him in the moment and discuss at another time.

What I’ve found as my two have reached teenage years is that they need less practical support bit much more social and emotional support, which means being around me and their dad more. Most conversations can happen in front of them, if it’s truly private I’ll give them a job to do, send them for a shower etc. I find our relationship plays out with the kids present, so Valentines Day is low key - a card and some flowers rather than plans for a night out or elaborate declarations of love. Remember you’re showing your step child how relationships work so they’ll be around you for the in jokes, quiet intimacies etc. That’s how they’ll learn what a healthy relationship looks like.

As your 1 year old grows, you would naturally adjust how you relate to each other, there are fewer truly private conversations and expressions of affection - you need to adjust your expectations of how your relationship works to accommodate your teenager.

A conversation about going out together can escalate into a full-blown argument at home. Which leaves my DP feeling incredibly guilty

Why are you having a full blown argument about this in front of the kids?!

What is there to even argue about?

Cruel? I haven’t made any suggestions at all so unsure what you have read?

The only suggestion I made regarding our once a month outing was that we have tried the sitter route and it doesn’t go down well?

Not between me and DP, between DSC and DP.

Jesus Christ it really is take all SM down. What on earth.

You are contradicting yourself. You've just said in another post that her 9pm bedtime is non-negotiable. So therefore you have from 9pm every evening for your "adult only" time?

She's 14, I would say give it time, make her room feel really like her own and when she relaxes a bit I'm sure she will revert back to average teen who likes her own space as well. I would certainly get back to your monthly date night though

SO much sense here. Completely agree with these wise words.

Non negotiable with posters that don’t agree, I haven’t once said she’s banished upstairs. She still regularly comes down usually stops around 11pm but as I said makes adult conversations hard. Can you imagine how awful it would feel to walk into a room and people go silent… she would feel even more insecure

I agree with those who say that you are expecting something very different to normal family life

I don't think I have any 'adult time' when my children are in the house.

I would expect to have to go out tbh - for an arranged evening/ time out of the house to really get that when you have kids - and yes I include teens.

Do parents of older children/teens not have sex lives, then? Or is it only stepparents who have to make sacrifices where that's concerned?

I'm a step-mum so I am definitely not for "taking others" down. It's a hard and thankless job a lot of the time.

BUT... I do think you are making everything so much more difficult for yourself than it needs to be.

There doesn't need to be a "conversation" with a child (step-child or not!) about you and your partner going out for dinner?! Why would a child need consulting on this?! You just book a meal and arrange for someone to look after the kids?!

And then you say you never get any time to yourself but then go on to say that you send her to bed at 9pm every night?! So talk then?

I think wise point about the problem being you have a 1 year old to compare to - naturally as kids grow you suddenly realise they can overhear/ they can udnerstand etc.

it grows with you - and you suddenly have a teen who is far more aware and engaged without the slow realisation

I think your expectations are very unfair on the teen tbh but I can see how it suddenly feels a big leap from parenting a baby.

I have a 14 year old and 12 year old - if I want to speak privately to my husbnd we often hide in our room! while they are watching tv

My 14 year old goes to bed after me ! I have zero expectations of 'adult time' now in the house.

The bonus is that I can go to the pub now and leave them for the odd hour or two - I think you have a big age gap and you want to tuck kids in bed as you do the 1 year old. But teen life is really different.

We have 2 dd 12 and 14. They aren’t downstairs all the time but may be constantly wandering, or have friends here.

guaranteed adult time is 9pm + when they are in their bedrooms. And if that’s gone (eg we are busy) we talk in bed at 11pm. We don’t go out in the evening as dd14 has asd and doesn’t like babysitters. But I have to say we don’t struggle with adult conversations as we both wfh a lot so can carve out time to talk at lunch.

it does sound hard op. A lot of adjustment for you all.

This is Mumsnet. You’re not allowed to say anything negative about a step child and you can’t have sex unless there’s at least 3 walls between you, a lock on the door, they’ve been asleep at least an hour and you don’t make a noise above 1 decibel. Good luck.

In my opinion 9pm is fine to send a child to bed on a weekday, they can have an hour or so relaxing / reading / crafting - whatever they do to relax and then try to get some sleep. I’ve been in the same situation you’re in except I am the biological parent. I have lived through it so I understand your partners need to reassure them and sometimes if you are disagreeing over it you can become stubborn and defensive. I fully admit that I was defensive and it didn’t work. It can start to feel like the non bio parent is being unkind or unfair (especially when you listen to people on here) However, having lived it, I agree that you shouldn’t be having all your conversations interrupted or being followed around the house by a 14 year old. I wouldn’t stand for that from my 8 year old who is biologically ours together and neither would my OH. I asked a similar question when my eldest was 14 and I was ripped to shreds and so I listened and continued reassuring her. I ended up with a child that I gave everything to, I spent every weekend doing something with them, I allowed them to be involved in every conversation and decision, I mean I was Mary Poppins, always overuling the step parent if they mentioned they would do it differently, always telling them not to upset my child. And do you know now that they have left home and have their own family there have been some snide, entitled comments about how I parented despite my best efforts. I am very much only considered by this child when they NEED me. If their partner is away for example then I am expected to entertain them despite not having seen them for weeks when they were busy. Birthday’s forgotten (particularly the step parent who paid for a child that wasn’t his and we were never married) or been given a gift which zero thought went into and cost pennies despite them lavishing one another with expensive gifts. It occurred to me this morning that if I die unexpectedly they’ll need the password to my phone in order to put a photo of me on my obituary. I am always taking their photos and sending them to them and they couldn’t care less if they have one if me at Christmas or with their child. I’m being droll but I think you get the picture. Your partner may well need reminding that one day this child will leave home as will your younger one and what will you have left? A relationship that’s been nurtured or resentment from both of you? One of you because you had zero adult time and it time effort and money into parenting them and they still don’t respect you or even value your contribution. The other one resentful that despite all their parenting efforts and putting their own needs aside and neglecting their relationship that their child still thinks they didn’t do a very good job. All the suggestions you have made such as redirection and gentle reminders not to interrupt are perfectly fine as long as that is what you would do with your own child should they exhibit the same behaviour.

I wouldn’t let this fester OP. I think it’s relationship ending if you let it continue. Your partner needs to realise you’re not doing this because you don’t care about the child. You may have to concede a few of the points but you certainly won’t be celebrating 20 years of marriage if you can’t have a conversation with your husband and a bit of affection in your own home.

Of course there are fairly frequent adult-only conversations. It could be sensitive ones but even just day to day things: anything to do with finances, personal health, etc + the multitude of topics where you want to align views with your partner before involving children (holidays, etc).

I think the way to go is not to ask for ‘adult time’ but ‘time to discuss x’, this way the reason that you want to be left alone is not them, it is the topic IYSWIM.

I also believe that there is an element of having lived with their mum just the two of them. My niece lives with my sister and when she came to visit us it was quite a shock, as you describe, interrupting us to give her opinion on things that were not confidential but still not her business.

@Hellosunshine994378 so you're a family in crisis with financial difficulties and issues with your step-daughter's mother and other challenges you've alluded to.

All three of you, as the adults, have made all of the decisions that have led you, including the children, to this point. None of this is her doing. Her life has been turned upside down as a result of adult actions. And, undoubtedly, major adult mistakes.

You, collectively, are failing to provide a safe, stable, happy life for your teen.

Stop looking to her behaviours for the answers. They are just the symptoms of your failures as adults. Turn the focus on yourselves. How are you behaving? What can you change? (And for heaven's sake, this is clearly not about bedroom decor...)

14 is a hard age, obviously the child has had some upset and have some anxiety so they want to be close to their dad. I think for now you need to except that adult time will be almost 0. Let the child settle into their new routine and surroundings. At 14 they are at that age between being a child and a young adult, they need extra reassurance whilst also believing they know best but still needing guidance from adults. In the next few years they will become a lot more independent and will need less 1:1 time. For now I think you just need to put up with it. When they feel less anxious and more settled you will probably find they will spend more time in their room or out with friends.

But she isn't coming down continuously from 9-11pm is she (if so that needs addressing completely separately as that's not normal at all)?

If me and DH are talking about something once DSD has gone to bed and she comes downstairs, we just go "everything ok?" and she usually replies "yeah just getting a drink / finding my charger / some other random thing she's forgotten" and then goes back upstairs. You don't need to go silent?!

You seem to be making massive mountains out of molehills here....

In fairness you weren't clear on who was arguing.

But my point still stands, what is there to argue about?

Why is it a full blown argument?

Has anyone suggested that you and your partner speak on the phone during the day while the 14 yo is at school. I can’t imagine there is much that is “we have to dicusss this right now” about the bigger issues? And if you are needing “adult time” to discuss parenting challenges in the moment I think there are much bigger issues at plague here

Some of the responses on here....WOW!

Teen keeps joining you when you're together in a room chatting, and it hasn't occurred to you that it's actually just because she wants to be included because the home is a group setting?

There's nothing wrong with setting aside 'date night' time and going out without her, but when you share a home with people they shouldn't feel like they can't be around you - after all, you're hanging around with one another so why shouldn't she also have company? At 14, she's perfectly old enough for you to say "We need to chat about a few things, so we're taking a cuppa to our bedroom/living room/study for an hour" and for her to respect that. The problem is you seem to expect her to just give you space without clear boundaries

Is the child around the both of you 24/7? Don't they go to school? Could you speak during the day on the phone?

Do they follow you into the bedroom if you wanted to have a conversation there?

I just had an 'adult-only' conversation about whether we are happy leaving DD home alone for a longer/bigger trip out than we have done previously. It happened on a phonecall that actually started about defrosting chicken! It's just sort of organic (the conversation and the chicken) and doesn't have or need special time carved out for it. If the conversations you need to have are far more involved and complex and sensitive, then maybe book a lunch together or schedule a phone call over lunchtime in the week or something. Then occasionally at home there is the 'we just need a minute to discuss x, we'll be in to watch the movie in a minute', or discuss once everybody is in bed.