AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

[Hellosunshine994378]

Blended family situation and looking for a sense check.

My partner’s child has recently moved into our home full time, which is obviously a big adjustment. Since then, there’s been a pattern where the child follows us from room to room or interrupts when my partner and I are together, and sometimes tries to take charge of plans or rules.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour. It seems anxiety-based and about needing reassurance after a big change, which I completely understand.

Where I’m unsure is the best response. So far, we’ve tended to accommodate it by keeping our relationship quite low-key, avoiding adult-only time, and reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort. The intention is to be kind, but the outcome is that our relationship feels very reduced in our own home.

My view is that in the long run, children feel safer when adults are calm and consistent… adult time is normal, adults make decisions, interruptions are gently redirected, and boundaries are clear. Avoiding this might help in the short term but risks reinforcing the anxiety.

My partner worries about upsetting the child and prefers to avoid conflict in the moment. I’m concerned that this isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually help the child adjust.

AIBU to think it’s reasonable to protect some adult time and be clear that our relationship is allowed, while still being sensitive to the child’s needs?

So it sounds like your dsc is going to bed at 9pm but comes downstairs frequently at any time up to 11pm and you feel you can’t have conversations about finances or whatever because she might co e down and you’d both go silent.

there are a couple of possible solutions - one is to say to her something like “partner and I sort out our finances tonight so we’ll be sitting at the dining room table with the laptop and talking money. We’d prefer you didn’t interrupt us but if you do be aware that we will stop what we’re doing because our finances are private”.

other options include going out to a coffee shop at the weekend either on your own or with the one year old, or having these conversations in your bedroom.

I have done all of these.

Your are used to having a one year old, they will sleep a lot but also you can have adult conversations around then because they won't notice. With the 14 year old you have missed the in-between years where children stay up later and later and your adult only time does reduce. With teens there isn't really adult only time unless they decide to spend time in their room, because you're a family, not a couple with a child living with them. I absolutely do not think that you should be making them leave you alone, it's their home and they should be able to feel comfortable in whatever room they want to be in while they are awake. If there is something pressing you need to discuss with your husband, you could ask the teen to give you 10 mins.

What about having the adult conversations in your bedroom about finances, etc? Does she walk into your bedroom if you’re in there with the door closed?

Hi op, we had this with our new 8yr old. They were suffering from a chaotic earlier life and they would follow us about, want to sit on knees, jump on us, constantly wanting attention. It is exhausting. When me and dp would have a hug after work, they were right there joining in 😂couldn't have a hug without them being involved.
Now they have settled right in, can even brush their teeth by themselves now 😁.
Time and consistency and loads n loads of love and hugs is what these kids need. Also, boundaries are crucial. If you need to chat about stuff, ask, no TELL them to go to their room for 10mins, that is not too much to ask from any kids.
Good luck, remember discipline and structure are what these kids are crying out for.
Don't forget the hugs and I love u's xx

Of course we have sex, in our bedroom when the kids are settled for the night. It can mean being a bit creative to not be heard, or early mornings. I don’t send my kids to their room so their dad and I can get it on.

Also here to say that 9pm is too early at 14.

Don’t be daft. You can do that when youve all gone to bed at night. Whether it’s a stepchild or your own.

I presume that the big row between your DH and DSC over going out to dinner was that it's was a dinner for two and your DSC didn't think that was OK.
If they were taken away from their DM against their will they're very insecure and anxious now, can you imagine having your whole life blown up and having no say in it? I'm sure being shadowed by your DSC feels odd at the moment but the more trust you can build up the better, in time they'll stop when they feel more settled.

PS
This took about a year

All of this.

And the consensus is wait until she is in bed - as all other parents of teens do.

Why is this not doable for you and your DH. ?

Most parents get the opportunity to adjust to the teen transition, but you are straight into losing your evenings.

Be kind to her, it’s a big change and she clearly needs the attention.

I should also add that it shouldn't just be essential conversations that you can set aside time for - DH and I will sometimes tell the kids (13+) we just need half an hour and to only disturb us if they're bleeding or on fire 😆(We're usually in a room downstairsa so they're not left thinking this is a weird code for a quickie)

There have been massive changes in our household recently, including financial challenges, which my partner and I are actively and positively working through — and that we still need to discuss together.

Nobody is failing the child. The issues I’ve raised are about practical day-to-day adult conversations and boundaries. I think the narrative here has shifted from what I actually posted.

Have you tried going into your bedroom for private discussions, the main living areas of a family home are always going to have family coming in and out.

I think kids once they hit a certain age will have an opinion on everything, particularly as they enter their teens. When my best friend had her son and he started talking and interrupted it completely changed the dynamic of our meet ups and I really wished they would tell the child that the adults are talking but then when more of my friends had kids and I had a kid I discovered it is completely normal. They just want to feel part of the family, equal. If they have already been uprooted that may be even more prominent. If you are not being allowed to talk whatsoever I would just say "hey x, would you mind if I finish my point and then it will be your turn to speak". My friend's kid is now a young teen and very into coding and games so will often go on the computer for an hour which gives us some adult catch up time.

Kids want to be heard and have a voice. One piece of advice I read which is quite good imo is to include them in decisions that aren't life altering for you so they feel they have a voice. For my very opinionated 4 year old we will give her the choice of going to the beach or the forest, tell her where her mum and dad are going separately and ask who she wants to go with or show her two outfits and ask her which she'd like to wear. You could ask opinions on days out, clothes for the baby or even ask them to help you decide where dad will take you for your date night.

Does she ever have friends over? It might be idea to invite one/two of friends over to hang out, help her become a bit more independent. How long has she lived with you full-time, if she hasn't made many friends yet do you or your partner have friends with teenage kids you could invite for dinner some time or just meet out and about? Has she joined any after school clubs or have a hobby or interest you could encourage?

Thank you, all of this is really helpful.
Glad you cleared up the quickie part 😅

No stepkids, but DH and I have lunch at least once a week (both hybrid) or on phone if someone is in office.

We book time and have a list of things (agenda) to discuss.

It's not ideal, but it works as life is too busy to have adhoc conversations, esp without our 7 year old interjecting.

We also use an online project tool and calendar to run our house - again on one hand it's nuts, but it does work.

All these people saying 9pm is too early for a 14 yr old - are you mad? They are meant to get between 8-10 hours sleep a night!

My DD has just turned 16 and she goes to bed at 9pm on a school night as she gets up at 6am. I'm not saying she sleeps straight away but she is winding down for sure.

Surely OP you can just have adult time when the child goes to bed? Seems simple to me.

OP, as someone with chidren who seem to be around a lot.... I think I understand. We can and do tell them to og to their roooms sometimes, but that's not necessarily appropriate here. My two suggestions are:

1 Definitely make her room a safe, appealing space. It can be a nice project for you all. What does she need to make it feel like hers? Do you want to paint it together in a colour of her choice? Does she nee dsome new/different shelvingor cupboard space? What posters can she buy to hang on the wall..

2 Frankly, we do a lot of our more meaningful chat either in breaks at work (by phone) or similarly while the children are at activities. When DS was a bit younger - 12/13 or so - he had a lot of challenges at school and as we were getting his meds right so this was a frequent issue. So we had to pick our moments!

But people are giving you plenty of solutions to your insurmountable problems. You're just ignoring them all.

Talk once she has gone to bed. If she comes down, pause for 5 minutes then carry on. If she hangs around say you need to get to bed as you've got school tomorrow and me and your dad are talking.

Go to your own bedroom and close the door.

Tell DSD you need half an hour to discuss "adult" things and could she go and have a shower / unload the dishwasher / tidy her room.

Take her and a friend out somewhere and let them go off and wander / shop whilst you and DH have a coffee and chat.

Use WhatsApp / emails / phone calls during the day to sort stuff out.

Literally what parents of kids (and especially teenagers) have to do all the time.

I think there's a difference between imposing rules and boundaries for the child's good, that you can clearly explain and justify as being for their good, and the idea that rules and boundaries that serve the interests of adults will by default benefit the child because rules and boundaries are 'good'.
So if it were me, I'd focus on the justifiable things like a reasonable bedtime that's good for them and also allows you some space for now.
I'd be very wary of sending her away for your privacy at this stage, as however you dress that up, it will land badly and will serve only to prolong the insecurity that's causing the behaviour.
In time, if she develops confidence she is loved and wanted and your relationship isn't a threat, she is likely to create more distance herself. Be careful not to arrest that by showing her otherwise.

This is far from what I’m suggesting and believe me with a 1 year old in and out of our bed… sex is not part of our set up that regularly to even make it post worthy 😅

I’ve reacted to most of the posters that have given great advice, it just can’t be seen

I assume having such strong anger to this post, you aren’t having a great day. I hope this improves for you 💐 x

3 yo DS, 11 and 14 year old DSDs here. I hear you, its difficult when you have a toddler on the go from 7am and a teen who needs emotionally available parenting until 11pm. No perfect solution, we just divide and conquer, whoever does the toddler morning can bath/bed early night once hes asleep and the other stays up to be around for the maybe musings and the late night homework discoveries. Its not forever.

We also WhatsApp each other the not for their ears stuff

Thank you
Both points are really helpful
Lunchtime chats seem like a great shout if we can get them to marry up!!

That's rude. The bulk of that post addresses some of the practicalities of what you are asking. And it's clear that you are swerving the posts that have laid out why you will have to readjust your own expectations, not just find solutions to have her mould better to your preference.