Modern life doesn’t work

[DeluluTaylor]

I say this reading thread after thread of people trying to work around nigh impossible situations.
I am sitting here with chronic IBS from stress, trying to get the kids out of the door, to a school which can’t meet their need, to go to a job where I’m firefighting as nothing is fit for purpose anymore. Finding care homes for younger and younger people. People who want to work but can’t as they have learning disabilities. Yet in the 20th century an estimated 40-70% of people with LD were employed.
I have 38p in my bank account and all my money goes on paying for a big house that we’re in from 6.30pm 7 the next morning, with a huge garden which none of us have time to do anything in. That I sit in on my own when the kids go to see their father in a bedsit at weekends. Yet there are families down the road with three kids and two parents in one room.

The whole thing is crazy. If you were going to arrive here from another planet and looked at late stage capitalism you would say why do you live like this? Getting in debt to spend two weeks abroad rather than making changes to make the other 50 weeks off the year more bearable.

Forget those 'expectations'. Do what you can that suits you and doesn't stress you. That's far more important.

Right but it’s not just mothers who want a decent work life balance is it? If EVERYONE started working part time there wouldn’t be enough people to fill all the jobs. If everyone wanted nice family friendly hours who is doing the horrible shifts? My point is, that the people often doing the part time jobs are supported and enabled by those doing full time jobs.

I agree - I'm beginning to wonder if minimalism is the answer, because clearing out my house has made it SO much nicer. And with minimalism you basically don't buy anything other than essentials, so you accumulate more wealth too

I will be battered for this but the obsession of some to have kids at all costs. May be this is the answer of some SEN and other issues so prevalent in modern world today. Oldest fathers and mothers. Having one kid with problems and carrying on having more. I know people are having less kids but this is the younger mainly. These situations make life very difficult for parents and society. It will have consequences as well for the future.

Agree with you OP. I retired just before the cost of living crisis hit and for about one year I had quite a nice life, a life which after over 40 years oc going out to work and struggling as a single parent paying for everything I felt I deserved. Nothing extravagant, just lunches out every now and then, trips to the theatre and cinema, visits to family in London. Then the bills rocketed and the other day out of inrerest I calculated how much my essential outgoings (gas, elec, council tax, water, broadband, insurance etc) have increased by, it was 129% ! God only knows how families and young people just starting out are managing. The cost of everything is insane. The state of the area, in fact the whole city I live in is so run down and depressing due to swingeing cuts as the council is broke. Guess we just have to hope that it will get better but as to how this will happen I have no idea.

@Smoosha Im not disagreeing with you, just was making the point p/t workers are not a tiny % & they aren’t all mothers.

The figures are a few years old, but last time I checked there was £23 spent on residential housing for every £1 spent on productive investment in the UK. That's a major factor (alongside literacy, numeracy, crap infrastructure, and bone idleness) in why productivity is so poor here.

This.

If everyone made the same choices, where do you think the money to subsidise you comes from?

I have no problem with taxes supporting people who can’t work, or where all adults work full time and still can’t pay the bills (although I do think that 2x minimum wage ought to be enough - it isn’t in a lot of places and that is an issue), but if you can support yourself and your family then you should.

YANBU.

I accept, as others have said that life has always been hard and demonstrably much worse in the past.

However, given all the "fabulous" tech, innovations and "progress" we as a species have "achieved", we also seem to be regressing at a spectacular pace, especially at the moment, economically, globally, politically.

There is a constant tension between individuality and collectivity that we seem to be unable to resolve.

The means to support ourselves individually is ham strung by collective restrictions.

A simplistic example. I am "poor". I have things I could possibly sell. I can't take a box of stuff down to my town centre where enough people could see it to possibly sell to them - I would need to apply for a license to do so, costing money I don't have. If I tried to do it without a license, I could be prosecuted and likely fined, ending up with a criminal record.

So the alternative is try and do it online. Which means access to phone / internet. Plus navigation of a billion postage options. Plus buyer expectation that an item should be as cheap as possible and deluvered with Amazon style deadlines and efficiency. If you stipulate collection only, then either you risk putting your address out to God knows who, or figuring out a neutral meeting point that suits both parties, and there is also the risk of buyer flakiness. Not to mention the issue of large items when buyer and seller might not have transport.Plus the volume of online sales means your "goods" might not even get seen by potential buyers. On various platforms even if you do sell something, a dissatisfied customer can demand returns and refunds, adding a whole new layer of complication.

And the first accusation when people are struggling is "lack of resilience" and negativity. Which is what I was accused of when I wound up my shop a couple of years ago. But if you don't have customers and you're spiralling into debt because people are looking at your goods and discovering them cheaper on Temu (by photographing them in front of your face and googling them) you realise the nonsense of it all, and that no amount of positive thought and "fucking gratitude manifestation" will translate into cold hard cash.

I'm in my late 50s and essentially obsolete in many ways. Adult kids are grinding away making ends meet and not having kids because economics. The elderlies I was caring for have died. I want to work but my age and outdated skill sets are against me. Retraining costs money I don't have.

Now I fully expect some will roll their eyes and talk about poor choices, lack of forward planning etc, but there was a time when most people who wanted to earn a living at the most badic level could walk into somewhere hiring, hand over a CV, have a chat with with the manager and both parties would come to a mutually beneficial agreement on a very human level. Now tech means there are infinite steps to go through some of which are entirely AI based.

As for all the other issues laid out in this thread, I coukd write volumes, but nobody has time for that 😆

But thank you OP for starting a thought provoking thread.

And according to my late Dad, it's NeoLiberalism / capitalism that's the issue, and I think he was right.

I sometimes say I think the end of the world won't be fiery apocalypse, it will be collective nervous breakdown due to the uncertanty of it all.

Solidarity to all those struggling - and God help our kids.

@InveterateWineDrinker Wow, that’s a sobering statistic. How can it be fixed though?

Of course there’s an alternative. I spend 75% of my time in my house and I love that. I could spend near to 100% if I wanted but that would be depressing.

We have agency. There’s plenty about the world that’s shit, depressing or scary but we have agency!

Don’t forget that people!!!

I think it is at least partly a choice though. Me and Dh opted for a smaller, terraced house, with a lower mortgage, we could technically take on a larger one but we rather have a chilled out life. I work school hours and am there for our DC always. Again I could earn lots more, but family time is more important to me. We don't do long haul holidays, Disneyland, or expensive clothes, or extravagant hobbies... we go to the library, into the forest, see friends, etc. I feel very lucky.

That is the case for some, but there are also many people who don't have a choice. They have to bend themselves into pretzel shapes just to feed and house heir families. Single parents, those with caring responsibilities, couples who are both in low-paying jobs, etc.

People are living longer but not healthier. Most of my friends parents are in their 70's/80's, very few are in great health. My mum has been struck down with heart disease, breast cancer, osteoporosis and dementia since her mid 70's.

We are being kept alive by medication that skews the statistics. People are living longer but really not in good health, those in old age and good health are in the minority sadly. I work with older people from mid 60's onwards and many of them would not be fit for work.

I agree with this, particularly about the commute. Commuting is such a horrid waste of an existence. DH and I have not overly senior public sector jobs but it means we can live outside of London/SE and afford a nice house close to our workplaces. Se we save time and fuel every day. For both of us a couple of rungs up the career ladder would likely mean London and right now we would lose far more in terms of overall quality of life than we would gain.

welome to the enshitticene

From Google

In 1948, when the NHS was created, life expectancy at birth in the UK was approximately
66 years for men and 71 years for women. Overall period life expectancy around this time was roughly 64.8 years, with significant improvements from the early 20th century.

Completely agree. I think the prevalence of mental health problems (and SEN in kids which has massively increased) is proof that our modern day environment doesn’t suit us.

And all the late diagnosed ND

The environment is toxic, so of course we're not coping with it.

I think in the past, women in particular didn’t work or just had a “little job”. Many were frustrated by this status quo. In the early part of the century, women who were secondary school teachers were forced to give up their jobs when they got married.
Divorce was far less common and whilst obviously some left physically abusive relationships, they stuck with unfaithful/emotionally manipulative/boring husbands and just put up with it. However they didn’t work so had more time when “D”H was out. Single parents were rare.

On the basis that nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce, I’m not sure we’d be any happier in that era

But maybe going without and waiting for things actually made people happier. Morality aside, it’s been proven that instant gratification causes a dopamine hit that we then crave more of.
Im not saying people were morally better in those days, but the circumstances around life then probably made people actually happier in the long run.

So many kids and teens have mental health issues, despite having access to pretty much anything they want. Children and teens in developing countries, despite having barely anything, are far less likely to suffer with their mental health to the extents kids in the western world do. These kids seek joy in family, friends and community. Their brains have not developed the continuing dopamine loop caused by the modern life of the western world.

It’s a really fascinating topic. I was far happier before the mobile phone and social media came into my life. I was far, far happier in the days I had less.

Thank god I thought no one thought like this anymore. I remember when there was less pressure in jobs (getting them/achieving in them and keeping them) and two incomes meant bills paid, savings and treat money. One income meant bills paid and treats/saving was minimal. Life has become so hard for most people trying to be awesome in their job, a great parent, housekeeper and parent and it’s like it’s normal now.

Thank god I thought no one thought like this anymore. I remember when there was less pressure in jobs (getting them/achieving in them and keeping them) and two incomes meant bills paid, savings and treat money. One income meant bills paid and treats/saving was minimal. Life has become so hard for most people trying to be awesome in their job, a great parent, housekeeper and parent and it’s like it’s normal now.

People have been asking what we do about it. A PP reminded us we have agency. What ideas do people have? What would make this better? What could we opt out of? What do we need to ask the government for? What needs to change and how? How would we know things have got better?

But when those things were expensive they were bought with the expectation that they would last.

Clothes would be good quality and handed down through children in the family and then given to a friend with kids of that age. Folk had 2/3 pairs of shoes rather than a pair for every outfit/occasion. Kids shoes were passed down when outgrown.

Furniture was bought with the expectation that it would last pretty much a lifetime. My parents weren’t changing their home decor every few years or changing their sofa because fashions changed. Things were bought and used until they fell apart.

Things being cheaper means that people spend more changing things that don’t need changed. Wardrobes full of clothes because they’re cheap and everyone deserves to look nice etc. It’s not enough to have one water bottle that does its job, it needs to be a brand names, and two or three because one might get lost. Over consumption is killing us.