Modern life doesn’t work

[DeluluTaylor]

I say this reading thread after thread of people trying to work around nigh impossible situations.
I am sitting here with chronic IBS from stress, trying to get the kids out of the door, to a school which can’t meet their need, to go to a job where I’m firefighting as nothing is fit for purpose anymore. Finding care homes for younger and younger people. People who want to work but can’t as they have learning disabilities. Yet in the 20th century an estimated 40-70% of people with LD were employed.
I have 38p in my bank account and all my money goes on paying for a big house that we’re in from 6.30pm 7 the next morning, with a huge garden which none of us have time to do anything in. That I sit in on my own when the kids go to see their father in a bedsit at weekends. Yet there are families down the road with three kids and two parents in one room.

The whole thing is crazy. If you were going to arrive here from another planet and looked at late stage capitalism you would say why do you live like this? Getting in debt to spend two weeks abroad rather than making changes to make the other 50 weeks off the year more bearable.

Couldnt agree more with this. I enjoy working and I have a good work life balance but i’m about to put my third in to nursery. Would happily stay at home for 3 or 4 years looking after the baby and have savings I could use but I know if I step off my career now i’ll never get it back .The working workd is rigged against mothers and discrimination is rife. anyone who thinks otherwise needs to open their eyes.

Nah … I agree there are a lot of elements of modern life that are completely fucked, but you have used some poor examples OP. Obviously the main issue is that you and your children’s father aren’t together and therefore needing to have two homes between you … or to put it another way, that as single people you are raising children … that is always going to be difficult financially.

Why doesn’t your children’s school meet their needs? What could you do about it? Why not send them to a different school? My DD has only ever attended fantastic schools. Admittedly she’s at a very large state secondary where it is easy to fall through the cracks if quiet and well-behaved (which she is), but I’m not sure that things would have been different in previous generations, and that’s if a girl was even able to remain in school until later secondary years - I know my grandmother, born almost 100 years ago, left school age 14, I’m not sure about my other grandparents, but I know none had a tertiary education.

Having 38p in your bank account probably isn’t that normal, unless perhaps it’s the day before pay day and you don’t have any other costs/bills to go out before pay day, and even then I’d think most people do have some savings. I know there are some people who live pay cheque to pay cheque, I’m not saying there aren’t, but I don’t think it’s as normal for working people as you make it sound.

Getting into debt to spend two weeks abroad is a very British thing, it’s not something that all modern
societies do. I don’t live in the UK anymore but where I am now, there are many people who have never travelled overseas. Their holidays, if they have them, is a week camping in the summer, probably a two to three hour car journey from home. People might occasionally take overseas trips but it certainly isn’t a regular thing.

I’m semi retired now but I remember so many times over the years (I started work in the late 70s so this isn’t that new) but I lost count the number of times I used to think, what do we actually do here, where is the money coming from to pay us, what are we actually producing? It just seemed to be jobs of rotating paper from one dept to another 🫤 I used to get a real ‘Reginald Perrin’ feeling about the work I did (If anyone knows who that is).

I think people who can actually see exactly what their own work has produced must get a better sense of purpose and satisfaction in a job well done.

So many things wrong with modern life.

Aspiration and work needs to be rewarded not laziness. If you put in the effort you should be proud.
Expectation based on merit not entitlement.
Too many cars- we should have one car per household. Walking is a free form of exercise.
Welfare system - huge overhaul required. Make payments time limited and reflective of previous input. Don't pay anything until a person is 25
Increase in single parent family - encourage people to think marriage is for life. Yes of course some definitely need to end but how many think divorce is an option from the beginning and then rely on the tax payer not the ex to fund the additional house that is needed. Also, how many people 'settle'.
Education- return to the top 10% going to University. Make it free
Increase apprenticeships and make it a desirable career choice.
The saying 'crime doesn't pay' make this true again for all our sakes.

Having more public spaces that are cherished by the community that can be used on summer evenings or winter days where people can meet, celebrate, relax without the need of purchasing a drink to be there.

Demanding more honour in our politicians, it used to be a privilege to serve now it’s just a selfish gravy train.

Taking responsibility for what you choose to do, the children you decided to have, the house you bought, the person you bred with.

To change the concept that life is supposed to be happy and stop being impressed or jealous of stuff you pay for and be more impressed with kindness, people who try and grow.

Make churches less divisive with actual religion and return them to a more secular society where you can celebrate life together without having to pretend to believe a whole heap of antiquated bollocks.

It’s not like that for everyone. It’s definitely not for me. I love modern life.

Modern life is better in some ways and worse in others.

I agree that most of us are hamsters running around a wheel in an endless pursuit of material things. But we are hamsters who can sit and write about it from a warm, clean, comfortable, air conditioned office, or perhaps from our own cosy kitchen during our working day.

I think what most people miss is a sense of community and human connection. We are made for that. Computers are a wonderful invention but they are no substitute for being with and creating with other human beings. People worked in very physically demanding and difficult jobs but they had everyday human connection and were all in it together.

My grandmother, born 100 years ago, lost 2 siblings to childhood diseases that modern medicine has eradicated due to vaccination. Her father died in his mi-40's when benefits did not exist, 8 children were still at home. Her mother went back to paid employment and my grandmother was raised by her 18 year old sister.

I have heard older people say that we 'have it with jam on' nowadays and it's true in so many ways. But I think many of us long for more time with people, especially the people we love the most. Most people I know are always trying the strike the work/life balance somehow; in ways like using Vinted to buy clothes and recycle rather than buying new. Young people especially seem to be coming up with creative ways to live their lives. As humans we do adapt and evolve and I think that should give us hope for the future.

The answer to that is not to have people doing completely meaningless work.

I was born in a post-Communist country. My mom worked 7am-3pm and my dad worked shifts. We lived in a nice semi with a big garden and a dog. One of the parents was usually at home from 3-4pm, cooked late lunch/early dinner and we spent most of the time outside. Holidays were once a year at the seaside. In the summer on the weekends we went to the forest to do mushroom/berry picking or go to church and see family. No soft-play or parent-organised entertainment. We were happy.
My sister still lives like this back home 30 years later.
When I moved to UK, I left my flat at 7:30am for work to return home at 7pm. My husband worked similar. After a while we realised that if we want children, we cannot go on like this. So now we have 2 kids and work from home, but I know it won't be forever.
Our house is smaller than the house I grew up in when I was a child. My sister has a bigger house than ours and they bought even more land to build another house. I don't know whether this means this country here is going down the drain and Eastern Europe is on the rise, or it's something else. Now I'm not sure it was a good decision to come here or it's simply time to move back?

I think one thing many are missing is that over last hundred years quality of life was getting better and better and now it's dipping.
Yeah, great, people in 60s didn't have x we now have. Fine. Doesn't mean no one will moan going back to it.
In last 15 years my salary rose, yet my wuality of life didn't really. Even pre covid we could afford holidays, theatre etc (saved for it before anyone starts) now, it's considerably more difficult to achieve even 75% of that "fun". There are no cheap cits of meat (they now cost same as medium priced ones), I swear lentils even have gone up like fuck, energy, housing... It's never ending.
So yes. People moan, especially imho us in 30s and 40s. Generally our group can afford considerably less than our parents and grandparents could. And it ain't because of avocado on toast.
Like fuck can I afford same quality furniture or car my parents got when they married without selling a kidney. The furniture will probably even overlive me!
"buy less" is great if that less was somewhat affordable and lasted.

For me it’s about stepping off.

My house is perfectly adequate for my families needs. Yes we could stretch to something bigger in a nicer area, with the associated costs but that would bring financial pressure we don’t need. Buying an older car without all the bells and whistles.

Not buying all the things. Clothes that last beyond the point of being fashionable, one set of skin care used consistently instead of multiple products that sit on a shelf, an older phone instead of the latest model, buying the best quality household goods and keeping them til they’re done.

I applied for a new job recently - an increase in hours and days in the office but a much higher salary. I didn’t get it, and rather than feel disappointed I felt relief. I realised that my current job pays well enough, has a lot of flexibility and I have a great team to work with. I thought I wanted the prestige and salary and to be seen to progress my career but actually I was already dreading the increase juggling I’d need to do to accommodate it. So for me it means valuing the job I have and the lifestyle it affords in the round.

But each person needs to decide what they want for themselves, the idea of having it all is such a fallacy, something has to give and that all too often is health and wellbeing.

And even if it because they went mad in Next, that’s the society we live in. Bombarded with ads and influencer hauls telling us we need all this stuff. I got into debt down that rabbit hole.

Would you have known about your parents' money worries when you were growing up?

I made changes to make every week better, instead of working myself to death for a pension I might not even spend, and holidays abroad.
We have a small house, hobbies that hardly cost anything, both work 30 hours or less, and have a couple of short breaks in the UK a year.
I look forward to every week now.

I get what you're saying @DeluluTaylor

we live in Cornwall. Low income due to it being Cornwall. High house prices... due to it being Cornwall. We always "muddled along" but in recent years the council have increased Council Tax a lot. Not only this the bus is so expensive for short distances so I live on the outskirts of a good sized town & it costs me and my son £6 for a one way ticket. It's 3 miles away!

No safe cycling lanes. In fact, the bus company has gone into administration so we won't even have public transport soon.

They're now discussing charging to park at the few remaining free beach car parks during the Winter.

Honestly can't even afford to park at the beach, can't afford to go into town, everything is closing down, hospital is just awful. I feel like we can't afford to be outside, in Cornwall!

We are looking at moving away for jobs & to actually have a life but it feels a bit claustrophobic at the moment because the whole world feels the same.

I just want freedom, I want to roam, I want to cycle and explore! I want a job with a future!

Thank you for letting me rant and sulk 🤣

It is tricky to balance everything. I love that I live in a world where I, as a single woman, can rent a house all by myself. I'm incredibly lucky in that it is subsidised because it is owned by my workplace. However, I'm not on megabucks, and there is one wage coming into this house. I still have bills to pay, and I maintain the house as best as I can. Yes, it looks a bit messy sometimes (long-standing DIY projects that need fitting in around long days at work), but it will get there in the end... I hope! I have cheap hobbies, don't use the car much, haven't been on holiday for years, and yet money still seems to go in one hand and out of the other!

It just seems daft that we spend the best years of our life in work, with our time off limited to holidays and weekends (if you're lucky). We pay other people to raise our children when we might do a better job ourselves. We ship them off to schools, spend a couple of hours a night with them, and that's it, five days a week... and yet the most important thing that you can give your children is your time (assuming, of course, that you're a good and kind parent, who actually likes their offspring!). Food prices are shooting up, and yet farmers aren't being paid much more (35p per litre of milk, vs. £1.20+ for two pints in a supermarket). It is a bit depressing sometimes, but at least we have better healthcare and education than some other countries, and women have rights here.

Modern life does work ... for the people at the top who are creaming off all the profits and benefits.
We are just cogs in the machine that makes the billionaires wealthy.

I think too every single part of life has become more complicated and commodified.

There was a thread recently about dog ownership being a luxury that will become unaffordable. Pet ownership now means insurance to cover vet bills for increasingly complex treatment, some of which wouldn’t have even been a consideration in years gone by. Dogs need puppy classes and behaviourists, beds, leads, harnesses, multiple toys, enrichment activities, bathing, grooming, special diets. You can literally spend thousands on shit for your dog, which wasn’t the case years ago.

And it’s like that with everything, there’s no holiday, season or activity that hasn’t been turned into an extreme selling opportunity, and people do it because what’s the harm, I’m working hard, my kids deserve experiences and memories. And that may be true but working ourselves into the ground to pay for it all isn’t healthy.

@MsMcCoo In some ways you are right.

My dm didn't have a dishwasher or a washing machine, so did those by hand, but she worked 11-3, termtime only.

I have all mod-cons but I work 8-5 all year. I cook from scratch as she did, but I also make our bread because shop stuff is so poor quality now.

I have a better standard of living - car, central heating, annual holiday - but I'm a business graduate with 40 years tech experience whereas she left school at 16.

I seem to work a lot more to achieve my better life style but it's certainly not lavish. I don't have a life where I can relax about money. Still watching every penny.

dog ownership being a luxury that will become unaffordable. Pet ownership now means insurance to cover vet bills for increasingly complex treatment, some of which wouldn’t have even been a consideration in years gone by. Dogs need puppy classes and behaviourists, beds, leads, harnesses, multiple toys, enrichment activities, bathing, grooming, special diets. You can literally spend thousands on shit for your dog, which wasn’t the case years ago
@Jellycatspyjamas the pet industry, in particular the veterinary section, is aware that there is money to be made by exploiting our emotional attachments to our pets. But it's all gone too far and it will end up killing its golden goose.
The breeders turn out animals which are badly bred and develop health problems. The vets then perform complex and extremely expensive medical procedures to save the animal, which dies anyway.
It's a racket.

Not in the country I live in. The UK is fucked.

@Caterpillar1 I know a few families who have moved back to EE countries.

I agree. How has this come about that people feel they need loads of expensive objects and an expensive house to put them in and several cars to drive around in, more than they need fresh air and peace and time to talk? But I'm not sure that 'society tells us' is the best way of looking at it. These 'norms' and expectations develop in certain groups within our society and are bound to influence us, but we all have a choice to step back and decide to do things a bit differently.

Think about downsizing op. I grow up in a one-bedroom flat (my parents turned the living room in their bedroom) and it was just fine.

It’s a very middle class perspective to assume that people are struggling on the hamster wheel because they feel entitled to buy more stuff.
And please spare us the inevitable “ we had second hand furniture and cut our cloth” sanctimony!
The reality for the majority of the country is that they are doing insecure jobs, with no real
opportunity for progression, and often no real sense of achievement, to be able to scrape by, paying a huge % of income to pay for cramped housing they cant afford to upkeep.
I certainly never buy anything new for myself. I haven’t for years. Inherited or junk shop furniture, Facebook marketplace or Vinted.
I think a lot of things have improved on a wider societal level ( women’s freedom etc) but the way we are all locked in to keeping our heads above water for the basics while living increasingly atomised and lonely lives staring at too many screens and trying to sort problems via AI bots is incredibly alienating.
It’s also not true that we need everyone to work long hours. Weren’t we told that increasing automation would lead to more leisure? It absolutely could- often productivity has nothing to do with hours clocked. But the shareholders pocket any profits from increased productivity, keep us insecure and anxious and think up new ways to do that with targets, charters and KPIs.
As humans we need collective goals, time outside, time creating wonderful things and a sense of power over our own lives, and those things feel increasingly out of reach for many.

OP honestly though, if you can, sell the big house it’s not worth the stress.