Sleepover - opinions pls

[Daisydoo23]

My DD has been asked to go to a theme park and stay over in a hotel with her friend for her birthday and her family (mom, stepdad, brother and sister plus friend) so they get 2 days at the park. A bit of context:

My DD (11) has been friends with a girl from school for around 12 months.
I have spoken to the girls mom around 5/6 times at the school, a handleful of texts.
DD has said previously that the friend cannot go downstairs until told to (which i think is strange).
Neither have been to each other's houses for the day in that time, let alone sleepover

I understand it's a nice gesture, but AIBU to think it's bold of the mom to ask for the overnight stay considering the above? I personally couldn't ask someone for permission for their child to stay over elsewhere considering they haven't even stayed at my home or even visited for the day?

I have said that DD can go for the day but I'm not happy for the overnight stay, I know nothing about them, haven't met the other children or stepdad. The mom said the stepdad would take the mom and siblings and come back for my DD with her friend, well I drive, so surely it would be easier for me to just take her myself?

But I just wanted others opinions really. Wwyd have done in this situation?

I agree with you OP, I would feel uneasy about this as you don’t know enough about the family.

I would want to know what the room set up is. Where is the brother sleeping, and how old is he? Is the sister also bringing a friend meaning there will be 4 girls, the brother and the parents? If it’s 4 girls there it would make me feel a bit better about it as presumably the girls will have their own room and not everyone in together.

At 11 I would regularly have sleepovers at my friends houses with 3 or 4 girls and we’d all just sleep on the floor and laugh all night but we had all been best friends for years and our parents were all really familiar with each other but I never stayed in a hotel with any of them and their parents.

I think your concerns are justified, I wouldn’t totally rule it out at this stage as she could go and have a brilliant time and make great memories but I’d want more information about where the parents and the brother are sleeping and what the set up is.

you can always pick her up after the theme park if you don’t like the sound of it after you’ve got more information

It’s an easy no from me

Think you're being a bit OTT

The coming downstairs thing is odd but just your DD relaying information which might not be right

Fine to ask about sleeping arrangements- is the brother in a separate room? But maybe they would prefer a sleepover out of their house if they're particularly houseproud or particular (which the downstairs rule would imply)

Can you invite friend over before the trip?

And the driving thing is probably to try and prevent any inconvenience for you

I would feel exactly the same as you @Daisydoo23

I wouldn't allow it, and also wouldn't feel comfortable. Your phrasing is quite odd. 'Bold' of the mum to ask? I think it's a generous offer, a two day trip to a theme park. Doesn't mean you have to accept, or feel comfortable with it. Same with the driving - sounds like they are trying to make it work and you seem put out that they have offered.

I would be cautious and not want my child to stay over.
Only exception would be that if I knew the child's parents were e.g. teachers/girl guides leaders etc... in that instance I'd be more inclined to let my child go, as I'd know in my gut if I trusted their integrity as someone who worked with vulnerable groups/children. But that doesn't guarantee I'd say yes, it'd just make me trust them a bit more than your average parent who didn't work in a role that requires an enhanced children's DBS check!!

I had a more extreme situation in that my DD was invited on a weeks holiday abroad after knowing the friend for a few months. DD was asked directly - shown pictures and everything - before mother asked me! It was at the same time as a much less glamorous uk family holiday we had already planned.

I was very very uncomfortable and quite angry at being undermined. But I kept it all calm. Thought about what DD wanted. Got to know the family. Worked out details. It helped that parents were lovely and known to my DP through work.

I managed my issues. DD went on the holiday. She had an amazing time. The kids are still close friends some years later.

Okay so i could have worded it better, I meant as in its I think it's a big thing to ask for someone's child to stay over night, especially if you hardly know them. I don't particularly mind the step dad taking them but it's seems logical to me for me to take DD rather than him do 2 trips

My DD is 10 and there's absolutely no chance she would be going. I wouldn't even have the balls to invite a child for a sleepover without them having been to our house several times before. It's inappropriate.

If it was just the Mum and sister going, my answer would be different.

Nope wouldn’t be happening

I think it sounds great fun and I wouldn't have a problem with it at all. I also don't think it's that unusual for their age.

Plenty of nonces in the Scouts... just because they haven't been caught doesn't mean they are more trustworthy - it just means they enjoy spending their free time around kids. Which could be a massive green flag OR a massive red flag - there's really no inbetween and its impossible to tell.

Wow I don't blame you for being upset you were undermined. That's how I felt with this situation. I'm glad it worked out well for you and your DD.

And your evidence for that is what exactly? 🙄 Awful comment.

I think it sounds ok. When is the trip, can you have the girl over to your house first/ speak to the mum ?

the going downstairs thing could be for a number of reasons - alarm set, dog, creaky floorboards etc.

This is exactly how I'm thinking. To ask for a sleepover yet never even having had the child over for dinner? It's bizarre to me. I mean even the mom and sister, mom's can be dodgy too, or i dont know if she's easily persuaded by the stepdad so I'd still be cautious

Tbf I get where she's coming from. DBS isn't really worth the paper it's written on, unless someone's been caught before

Most UK theme parks are shut at the moment, so is the trip a way off yet? Time to get to know them a bit better maybe? Or are you not in the UK?

I think I'd want to know the room set up, that the girls were sharing with mum and the brother and step dad elsewhere. Other than that, if your DD wants to go, I'd try to make it work.

It would be nice if you could find a way to make it work. Is there time for you to get to know the family a little better, can you call the mother to talk about details or even meet up along with your DDs? Or what about helping with the transport there and even staying for the first day. DD is guaranteed day 1 and you can decide if you are comfortable leaving her there, based on the dynamic.

I’d be fine with it. 3 kids all adults now and went on plenty of sleepovers.

If this was my DD’s best friend asking, I wouldn’t even question it because they’ve been friends for 8 years and we know her family well. Parents I’ve barely spoken to? No, I’d be a bit more hesitant to agree.

I think it sounds like brilliant fun and you should do everything you can to make it happen. Eg get to know the parents more, have the friends over to your homes.

What a bunch of arseholes, inviting kids on theme park trips and nice holidays.

OP I would make sure the birthday girl is happy with you messing around with the arrangements, driving back and forth. Part of the treat is the sleepover in the hotel and she might prefer to take someone who isn’t assuming her family are predators.

Deleted - posted twice